"It" Can't be Helped (Revised) | ♾️ | Blue Exorcist

15

My breathing hitched and my eyes snapped up to my twin's. My reality crashing into me like a tsunami. The concern and anger in his eyes suddenly made a lot of sense, and my helplessness to placate his negative emotions shifted into the helplessness in my situation. He knew. Not only has he seen my scars, but I'm sure he was also shocked with the newfound knowledge of my connections and abilities I'd gained. I knew, however, that the latter realization paled in comparison to learning about my coping mechanism.

His eyes swirled with apprehension, but he spoke after a few tense moments. "Why?" It was his only question, but I couldn't even begin to find my reasoning. My mouth fell open, but no words came forth, and I heard him take a deep breath. "Dammit, Rin. You can't expect me to understand this, can you?" His eyes raked my naked torso, perturbation flashing across his features.

Abruptly, Yukio was gripped by the collar and pulled back. His body was replaced by another, and I barely registered Shura's presence before I was yanked to my feet. I sharp sting spread across my cheek and I was left staring off to the side. Shocked, I blinked a few times, processing the sudden change of events. I had barely digested the fact that my secret was out. I was exhausted, and now my mentor was pissed. "What are you thinking, Okumura? And I expect an answer," she seethed. I dragged my eyes back to met her fuchsia ones, a fire burning deep within them. Some of my classmates protested at her actions, but I didn't pay attention to their words. I was at a loss, and it was like I'd forgotten every word in the dictionary. "No! I'm not taking it easy." She quipped back at the group. Her tone was sharp, and if I hadn't been the cause of her irritation, i would have warned my peers not to set her off. "I need an answer, right fucking now. What the hell are you thinking, Okumura? What is the meaning of this?" Her fingers poked at the tender flesh on my shoulder. I winced, biting back the pain and taking in a deep breath.

"I-I..." What could I even say? There wasn't a thing on this earth that could placate her, not if she was this pissed. Even if there was something I could say, anything to justify my actions, it's not like I could speak the words. My jaw was locked, and my body felt stiff. I could feel just how rigid my muscles were and how shaky my hands felt at my sides. I couldn't even tell if my jitters were from anxiety, adrenaline, or fear. A combination of all three was highly possible.

"Come on! Spit it out!"

I exhaled, my head falling to hide me face. "I'm sorry."

Shura seemed to hesitate, her posture relaxing ever so slightly. Her voice remained firm, however. "That hasn't answered my question."

I nodded, understanding that my lack of communication was a bit frustrating. "No matter my answer," I swallowed the lump in my throat and met her eyes once again. "It won't be good enough."

He eyes searched mine, and I saw her falter. Something in my expression made her soften, and she sighed. "Any answer is better than no answer."

I nodded, there was no running away from this. I drew in a shaky breath and tried to explain myself. "Uh, so you wanna know why?" My voice came out timid, and I hated how vulnerable I felt. However, there was no turning back the clock. I had to deal with the repercussions of my actions. Hopefully, my cooperation lessened the consequences. "It keeps me grounded. Helps me stay... sane, I guess." It was a shitty excuse, but I knew that no matter my reason, I wouldn't be able to convince them. My actions were deranged, borderline insane, and explaining them would only dig me a deeper grave.

Shura exchanged glances with my twin, and after a few moments I watched him straighten. He guarded his expression and cleared his throat. "Let's get back to the academy. We can discuss this more when we are in a safe environment."

I nodded, and my classmates copied my actions. My supervisors turned on their heels and made a bee-line for the front door. As we walked out, I let my eyes wander over the expressions of my peers. The were all disturbed. Their concern was borderline fearful, and I wondered dryly if they thought I might snap on them. Little did they know that the only harm I'd cause would be directed toward myself.