CHLOE BAKER'S LOST DATE

Chapter Thirty-Six: The End

I spend a night with weird dreams and when I wake in the early morning in a bed that still smells like Ben because I haven't changed the sheets since the last time he stayed over, I feel a wave of sadness. This is the emotion I've been holding at bay this whole time, ever since I told Ben it was over. I don't know if it's regret or fear or sadness or a mix of all of them, but it's pinning me to the bed. It feels like I'm never going to get out of it. Like days might pass and I won't notice. Like this is the point in the movie of my life where a montage starts to play to some heart-kicking song and the pages turn over on a calendar and by the time I'm ready to get out of bed, it's a different season.

I hope it's fall.

Not just because I love fall, but because I can already feel the heat pushing at the windows, overcoming the air conditioning.

If I stay in here, I won't have to face the day. I won't have to wonder if Ben will text me. I won't have to wonder if I'm ever getting my job back. I won't have to wonder if I'm in the middle of making the biggest mistake of my life.

Because I probably am, and that's so much pressure that it's crushing me. I am being crushed by my own stupid decisions. But how do you walk those back? How do I fix the mess I've made? I can't make a chart of all of the things I've accomplished with Ben, like I did for the BookBox, which as far as I know hasn't even worked.

I'm not sure if I even want to. Because my heart hurts right now, but it could hurt worse.

My head is such a mess. So many questions swirling around that I can't grab onto any of them. But the one that's there, front and center is: why hasn't Ben texted me? Why didn't he fight harder for me? He just accepted it when I broke up with him without barely putting up a fight. If he was in love with me, then he wouldn't have given up so easily. He would've tried harder for me. He would've ...

I don't know what he would've done. Put up WANTED posters? Gone searching for me when he already knew where I was?

Made some big romantic gesture so he could prove his love to me?

Do I want him to show up with a boom box? Is that what I'm waiting for? How could it be? We don't have a song. We weren't together long enough to find one. So what would be playing on the boom box, even?

I pull the covers up over my face. I've been living in a fantasy. I need to face reality.

But how does one do that exactly?

###

I fall back asleep and when I wake my phone is ringing.

Ben!

But it's not Ben, it's Tabitha.

"Chloe?"

"Yes," I sit up. My head feels woolly. I glance at the clock. It's mid-afternoon. "I'm here."

"Is this a good time?"

"Yes, of course."

"I've talked it over with the President and we've decided to give you one last chance. You'll be on probation for the next year, so you can't make any more mistakes, but—"

"Thank you."

"I wasn't finished talking."

"I'm sorry."

"That's all right. I was just going to say that you can come back in on Monday."

"Not today?"

"Why don't you take this week off? We think that you can use some time before you get back into the thick of things."

Ugh. I need work. I need a distraction. "Okay."

"Did you have something you wanted to say?"

"No, no, I mean, thank you. I appreciate this. And you won't have to worry about me. I promise. I'll do a great job. I won't screw up again."