Trust and Anxieties (A Soukoku Fanfic)

Anxieties

Chuuya was walking at a moderately slow pace but began to pick up speed unconsciously.

His chest was tightening even more now.

What the heck was wrong with him?

This feeling...

He's...

He's felt it before.

Exactly 4 years ago.

When he and Dazai were 18. When Dazai defected and reportedly went missing. When he, for the first time in his life, cried and begged for Dazai to come back. Repeatedly calling him while drunk from downing a whole bottle of Pétrus '89 wine. After that, tried to forget him.

It was that feeling.

Hurt and...

something else.

But why now of all times? What was this new feeling?

Fear?

Yeah right! He's never felt fear in his life! It sounds crazy but it's true. He's been in so many situations that would have left most people traumatized.

But not him.

So, what was it? Not fear! He refused to accept that he was scared! What was there for him to be scared of?! At that moment, he thought back to Dazai and the woman.

That's what he was scared of.

He was scared of Dazai leaving him again. Scared that Dazai was lying about his feelings for him. Scared that he would get tired of him. He was standing in front of a door. He looked up. It was his house. He hadn't even realized that he had already made it to his front door. He should forget about these thoughts right now! There's no way he was going to let them get to him! Pulling out his keys, he unlocked the door, walked in, closed it, and locked it again.

Silence.

It was quiet. 

Way too quiet.

He looked around before his eyes landed on his kitchen's island table. A person was sitting there, a bottle of wine in their left hand, their phone in the other.

It was him.

Was he having a flashback? His chest began to tighten again, but this time, his heart was also pounding.

A panic attack??

No, he can't possibly be having a panic attack right now!

Just breathe! Just breathe... In and out... In and- his tight chest lessened, his heart slowly but surely slowed till it was beating at its normal pace. He needs to lie down. Taking his coat and hat off to hang onto the hooks built into the wall next to the door, before trudging up the stairs to what was once just his bedroom but was now Dazai and his shared bedroom. He was too tired to change out of his work clothes, letting himself flop down onto the bed, eyes fluttering out of exhaustion...

He was out like a light.

Dazai's POV (Third Person):

"Chibi~ I'm home~," Dazai called out in his usual (when it came to Chuuya mostly) sing-song voice.

Dazai looked towards the right side of the wall, Chuuya's coat and hat already having been hanged meaning he was home and probably went to bed, considering how late it was (in Chuuya's definition). Dazai did the same taking his coat off and hanging it on an unoccupied hook. Normally he wouldn't care to hang his coat up, but now that he lived with Chuuya, he abided by his rules. Walking into their shared bedroom, he found an asleep Chuuya, his usual work clothes still on.

"Agh, you're not gonna be able to sleep comfortably like that, Chibi..."

Dazai thought about what to do. He wanted to do his boyfriend a favor by changing him into his sleep clothes, but that would mean taking his clothes off... He blushed at the idea. It was a thoughtful idea but also a somewhat inappropriate one. After a few minutes of thinking and running more possible discreet ideas in his brain with no luck, he decided to just go for it. He just won't stare! Everything needed to be removed except his boxers! So he wouldn't see his-

Yeah, yeah! It'll work for sure!

Okay! Here goes...

Dazai should've known that it wasn't going to be that easy. The whole time he struggled to not admire Chuuya's skin and his chest.

Damn it!

How could a man's chest be so beautiful and alluring??

It took at least 5-10 minutes for Dazai to get Chuuya out of his clothes and into his sleep clothes, especially since he was trying his best not to wake him up. A few times Chuuya would stir, causing Dazai's blood to freeze, staring at him with visible fear in his eyes of him waking up. Fortunately, Chuuya would just continue to breathe in and out, a lucky sign for Dazai that he was still sound asleep. After laying Chuuya back down and under the covers of the bed, Dazai changed into his sleep clothes as well, his favorite pair of PJ's. Call him childish, but his PJ's were comfortable as fuck! Slowly, he shuffled under the covers, laying next to the redhead, a smile beginning to adorn his face. He brought a hand up to the enchanting face of his lover, stroking his cheek gently.

What did he ever do to deserve someone like Chuuya?

Someone who accepted and chose to be with him even after he had hurt him by defecting from the Port Mafia, blowing up his car, then 4 years later, almost watched him drown with no remorse in his tone whilst talking to him through a microphone connected to a loudspeaker. Dazai would always feel like he didn't deserve this kind of happiness, that he didn't deserve to be with Chuuya. But, a part of him tells him that he does. That he should accept that he does deserve and need him. They both do.

He continues to stare and stare at the beautiful face in front of him. Never wanting to look away.

A long yawn is let out. 

But alas, exhaustion and a need for sleep were beginning to consume him. Dazai leaned up, pecking Chuuya on the forehead, "I love you, Chuuya," he whispered, "Sweet dreams~". One last look at his chibi's cute sleeping face before he let his eyes fall closed.