Trust and Anxieties (A Soukoku Fanfic)

Why Can't You Tell Me...?

Dazai watches as Chuuya rushes past him, so quickly that he drops the idea of running after him. 

What was that all about?  

Their interaction flashed in his mind. Him opening the door to reveal a depressed-looking Chuuya, cheeks soaked with tears once he lifted his head. And when asked, "Why?", immediately denied it and just ran.

What the hell happened? And why was he here at the agency?  he thought. 

Dazai then remembered the letter Chuuya had written for him this morning, something about needing to go somewhere early in the morning and that he didn't need to worry about it. 

Was where he needed to go here? Why though? He could've just asked me to go with him...

No... That wasn't it. 

Chuuya knew perfectly well that he could have just asked to come with him, actually not even ask, he would have straight up forced him to get up and go to the agency early. For him not to only meant one thing.

Chuuya didn't want him to know.

Didn't want him to know why he visited the agency alone, by himself, with no one but whoever he had come to see, be the only one to know whatever the reason was. I'll ask Rampo if he knows anything. he thought, but soon quickly dismissed the idea. Even if he asked the know-it-all member, in respect of Chuuya's privacy, would not reveal anything, not even a hint whatsoever. He'd say something like, "That's for you to figure out on your own. I'm not part of your guys' relationship". 

The sun's rays of heat soon brought Dazai's mind back, its solar radiation becoming a little too much for his body to handle for someone wearing a long-sleeved trench coat, that covered an equally long-sleeved striped dress shirt along with a black vest and long white pants. Although it's not an entirely uncommon occurrence for Yokohama to have quite high heat waves, today seemed to be the worst of this month (FYI the month is August, yes, I decided to go with the current month we are in because August is the hottest month of the year in Yokohama, although it's mostly rainy, not sunny, though it can be sometimes).

He ought to go inside. Quick!  Less he wanted his skin to endure the harsh heat! 

Phew~ Nice and cool, save for the air conditioner.

 "Oh, good morning, Dazai!" 

Dazai looked up, the beautiful doctor adorning a small smile as she greeted the brunette. He smiled back in return, "GoOoOd~ MORNING, YOSANO!" he mused, "Quite the heat wave we're having today, huh?" She briefly glances out a nearby window,  

"Yeah, it is pretty hot today, I think the weather report said it was at least 90 degrees, you gonna be okay? Considering your usual day-to-day clothing".

"How considerate of you as always, Yosano! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine! I've dealt with heat like this in worse clothing!" he winked. 

Yosano raised an eyebrow as she eyed her crazy co-worker from the top, down, small, but visible beads of sweat already shining in his wavy hair, dripping down onto his face. With a slight upturn of her lips and a small shrug, she decided against pointing out the brunette's condition, "If you say so~. You should probably drink some water though, wouldn't wanna get dehydrated. I can bring up a water bottle for you if you'd like since I was just thinking about grabbing one myself". 

"That'd be great! Thanks~!" Sometimes Dazai would still wonder how and what he'd done to deserve such wonderful kind and caring people who weren't just his friends and co-workers but to him, his family. Reaching the main office, he was immediately greeted with a snide remark of,  "Your late, as usual", by his very unamused idealist partner. 

"Always so harsh, Kunikida~, won't you cut your beloved partner some slack~?" Dazai pleaded with, what he calls, his "charm" voice. Kunikida sent a deadly glare, 

"If anything, I should properly threaten you or make a deal with that boyfriend of yours to drag your ass out of your bed every morning if it'll fix your purposeful habit of tardiness!" he snapped. A small set of mocked laughs was all that followed as Dazai walked over to his desk, plopping down into his chair, leisurely placing his feet on top near the edge. A click of teeth sounded, the small debut put to rest. But the room hadn't even been silent for a second when Dazai spoke up, 

"Hey soooo, any of you guys know why Chuuya was here?" Although he had dismissed the idea of asking earlier, Dazai found that he couldn't simply let the matter go. Everyone, except Rampo, turned to look at the brunette, confusion written on their faces. Before either one of them spoke a word, Yosano walked in with a pack of water bottles in hand. 

"Hey, guys! Thought you'd all be thirsty," she said tossing each member a nice, iced fresh bottle. Turns out she'd spotted that they'd bought a whole pack and settled on just bringing the whole thing up for everyone else. 

"Much appreciated, Yosano!" thanked Kunikida as he caught the bottle perfectly midair, "Now Dazai, about your question, you said Chuuya had come here?" Dazai nodded, he relaid everything in detail. From Chuuya's letter, to running into him at the agency's doorstep and rushing past him without giving him a proper answer. 

"First of all, I want to know how the hell he even entered the building! Most of us, except Rampo most definitely, had no idea that he even entered since we're almost always here in the office every day," Kunikida stated, pushing his glasses up, "Second, are you sure you want to pursue this matter? If your own boyfriend couldn't tell you why he'd up and left you in bed to come here on his own, then it's clear he doesn't want you involved in his business". As harsh as Kunikida made it sound, Dazai knew that he had a point. Before either can say anything, Yosano politely interrupts, 

"I can see your point Kunikida..." she pauses, "However, in this situation, it's different". Her statement shocks the other members, all are silent, content to listen (to the unfolding drama hehe). "To answer Kunikida's question on how Chuuya entered the building, Atsushi let him in on his request to see me". Now it was Dazai's turn to be shocked.

"To see you??" 

A subtle nod, "Mm. He wanted to discuss some recent old and somewhat new emotions that have been bothering him, knowing that I'm a doctor and not someone who's too unfamiliar with him". 

Emotions that have been bothering him?  "What kind of new emotions?" Dazai needs to know!

But, "I can't tell you. That's for Chuuya to tell you himself. Even though he didn't explicitly ask me to keep our conversation a secret, I already know that I've said too much". 

His shoulders dropped so fast, he didn't have time to process and tell his body NOT to show how disappointed he was. Dazai should've guessed as much that that would be Yosano's answer. Of course she wouldn't tell him in detail! It'd be disrespecting the trust Chuuya had given her! She's said as much as she can to help him figure out what to do next. 

With a sigh, he swivels his chair around to face the window, "I see. I understand," he responds solemnly, staring out into the city, whilst everyone else eyes and/or glances at him with pity as they get back to work.

Who knew relationships could get as complicated as this in the beginning?

After a few brief moments of blank staring, Dazai picks up his headphones, placing them over his head, before leaning back into his chair, eyes closed. This time, astonishingly so, he has no music playing. His headphones only serving to muffle the small sounds of rustling, typing, and shuffling of papers around him. His eyes open, now interested in the ceiling, he mumbles the lingering question in his mind.

Why can't you tell me...?