Blue, Beyond

A Shell Of A Human

"Complacency will be the architecture of your downfall" - Jeremy Gutsche

CATES POV

Cate found herself staring off into space. Her children were outside in the yard, doing their own thing. She was watching Ignatius (14) push Edith (7) on the tire swing in the yard, by the tree line. Roman (18) and Dashiell (21) were living on their own now, so it was just those two at home. Ignatius tries his best to be there for Edith, since there's such a large age gap. He's a good big brother.

   Cate was sitting on a blanket in the yard. Andrew was beside her, reading his book. She was also reading a book... she just could not focus on it. Seems to be a theme these days. She just cannot focus or get out of her own head. She felt... Empty.

Usually watching her children gave her so much joy.... But she felt, hollow and unbearably alone. Unfulfilled. That word kept ringing in her brain, interrupting her life, thoughts, her work. "How dare I think something like this. I have everything" she thought to herself. "There are so many people who would kill for what I have here, and truly I am content with it, most days" she reasoned.

   Yet, she felt as though it all meant nothing. "If you can't share your life with someone you love, what is the point?" She thought to herself. She loved her children of course but... this was different. This wasn't about them. It was about her. She had contemplated leaving Andrew so many times in the past but hasn't because of how it'd affect the children. "They don't want a shell of a human as a mother though, do they?" She thought to herself.

"If I'm not happy, of what use am I to them?" She sighed. "What was that?" Andrew looked over at Cate, unsure if she even said anything in the first place. "No, nothing. I didn't even know I said something out loud" Cate laughed, nervously.

Andrew scoffed, then got back to reading. "Need to be more careful. No more thinking out loud" Cate thought to herself. Cate just looked at him, while he was unaware. She searched. She tried to find that last thing she could hold on to but... it wasn't there. She was sure of it. Did she regret anything? Of course not. Was he right for her at the time? Yes, she honestly believed that. Was he what she wanted now? No, he wasn't.

   Cate truly knew this deep down. This didn't stop her from trying. She looked again. She studied his features. The curve of his nose, the way it scrunched when he read a line of significance to him. The way his body looked. It wasn't what it once was but she didn't mind that.

   What was it then? What made her fall out of love? What made him? They never talked about it but... they knew. The love just was not there anymore. Yes, they loved each other, they loved what they gave one another but... in love? No. They fell out of love somewhere in time and she just could not pin point when or what it was... if it truly was any one thing at all.

   She still had the memories and she truly did cherish those. She looked at their marriage fondly, over all... and him. She just didn't want the same things anymore. She wasn't the same person. How can one person ever be?

"I'm going to go for a walk alone. Do you mind watching the kids?" Cate excused herself from his company. "Yes, go on" Andrew said, not looking up from his literature. Cate stared for a moment longer. It appeared as though he did not notice anything she was doing. After a moment longer she got up.

Cate took a walk on their property, as she did many times to clear her head. She would usually use this time to smoke a cigarette while she was out of sight from the children. She did that now too.

She decided to text Annie.

Cate: "Miss your face"

She sent the photo she took of Annie asleep and laughed.

Annie 🍎: "WHEN DID YOU TAKE THAT? Also, I miss your beautiful face too. When can I see it again? 💗"

Cate: "When you weren't looking 😘 You're so pretty! 😍😂 Also, I'm not sure. Andrew is in town but I suspect he'll leave soon anyways. Maybe I'll sneak away, if he doesn't... 😉"

Annie 🍎: "You know what they say about payback 😉 Also, I would love that. I'll take whatever time I can get with you"

Cate smiled at her phone from ear to ear.

Cate: "Your wish it my command. I'll let you know when I can 😘"

Annie 🍎: "Looking forward to it, to you"

Cate sighed and held her phone against her heart. Like a hug. Then she smiled, took her last puff, and headed back to the house.

   It had been three weeks since they've seen each other. They've texted every day and Cate was good at sneaking off in the middle of the night to call Annie. They missed each others presence immensely, though.

   Cate and Andrew had an open marriage. This was no secret but... relationships... feeling things like this... it crossed a line. Cate knew this. Anyone Cate or Andrew has ever slept with until this point has only been a one night stand, maybe a few times after but... never any strings attached or emotions put into it. Strictly physical. That was the rule.

Cate was getting tired of the rules and not just the ones in her marriage. She felt boxed in, from a lot of angles in her life. She didn't know when it happened but she seemed to have just been going through the motions for so long. It felt as if she had just woken up recently.

It was as if her life was happening to her. Thing's kept coming her way, and she just handled them when they did. She didn't realize that this in turn put her into a routine, a complacency of sorts but once she realized it, she could no longer ignore it. It was there and she was not letting life just happen to her any longer. She was going to do something about it. It was her life damn it, who is anyone to tell her how to live it?

It is easy to talk a big talk, though. This was what was really conflicting to her. She felt this desire to break free. To be herself. She wasn't the only person involved, though. She has children, Annie, and believe it or not, she did care about Andrew as well. He may not be the one but she still loved him. He was her friend. Her partner. It's hard to see him as the enemy, because he wasn't. He isn't. No one is, it's just how these thing's go.

*Author Note*

HEYYY!!! Hope you're enjoying this! Just a personal update from me.... I CAME OUT TO MY MOM! She took it very well and.... Plot twist... She is also fruity!!! Wild world we're living in, folks! Hope
all is well with you fruit cakes, too! Please send any feedback you have or questions. I love to hear from you! Xx 💋