Comfortably Numb (Kellic)

Chapter Six

Thoughts of Vic plagued my sleep. I woke with tear stained cheeks and hunger tearing at my insides. A loud growl filled the silent room. I've been fasting for a few days now. Well, not completely fasting. I'd eat yogurt or a banana here and there- or a slushie. I think I've found my weakness within those things. Especially the red ones.

I shoved the thin sheet off me, and pushed myself up. I've been weak lately. Not just from the lack of food- but my emotional side is drained as well. Being with Vic so much put me into a stage of overdrive. My new therapist- which I've come to find I dislike- says it's unhealthy. He says I'm falling for Vic, and that I'm in no mental state for a relationship. His name is Chris. Chris something. His last name is something weird. Fronz, maybe.

The cool air hit my skin, sending a chill throughout my body. Twice thoughts made me pull a shirt over my head. Most of the time, I walk around shirtless. Not like my mother is here enough to see my scars anyways. Nor if she cares.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I walked down the stairs. I grabbed my phone from the counter and sat on the couch opposite of the television. Supernatural is on in an hour or so. My phone vibrated in my hands, nearly scaring me shitless.

You have any plans today?

Vic had been asking the last day and a half if I wanted to hang out. Each time it was the same response: No, I'm busy. Thanks though. I sent the message, setting the device on the glass countertop.

"Kellin," A gasp escaped my lips and I bolted upright. Mother's silhouette stood in the door frame. I blinked a couple times, willing away the blurriness. "I didn't expect you to be awake."

"I didn't expect you to be home." I shot back, more venom that intended.

She frowned at me, picking her purse up from off the stool. "I have a friend waiting. I won't be back till morning."

I don't think she planned on telling me in the first place. Just by some miracle I was awake.

I nodded and relaxed into the couch. The opener for Supernatural played through the speakers, calming me. I get so uptight sometimes. It's over the smallest things too. Maybe I do need to go over and see Vic. Though I don't want to get attached. Chris advised I keep my distance.

Distance is something I've grown used to. I stay alone a lot and distance is one of many factoring causes. Some part of me thought that I'd get hurt if I ever got close. I've never attempted to find out and I'm not going to either.

Another growl filled the relatively silent room. It does it often, but not where I can hear it over a television show.

A wave of nausea rolled over me. My vision blurred. I doubled over, clenching my stomach in pain. It has never hurt this bad before. Hunger pains aren't exactly pleasant.

There's only two choices: either I can continue to fast, resulting in a perfect Kellin over time; or I can eat, resulting in more weight. Something I definitely don't need anymore of.

I lifted my shirt and poked my stomach.

"Stop." I mumbled, as if it were a creature that'd listen and obey.

Another pain ripped through me. I sat up, clenching my head at the dizziness. I could hear my own heart beat, progressively growing louder and louder.

I stood up and held onto the bar, trying not to fall. I feel, and probably look, like an eighty year old man.

It took a bit, but I made my way to the fridge. I grabbed an apple and a bottle of water. My stomach growled again.

Why do I have to be this way? Why can't I be happy with the way I am? Well, I would be if I was the way I wanted to be. Though life isn't that nice, now is it?

I sat down at the bar and took a bite from my apple. I chewed slowly before swallowing the mushy lump. I've never been a fan of apples. That's why I prefer bananas, but we happen to be out. I made a mental note to visit the grocery store. Not like my mother will do it. She has more important things in her life.

My phone vibrated again. I glanced at it, sitting on the counter. I could faintly make out Vic's name. Not like anyone else is interested enough in me to indulge in a conversation. I'm surprised he did.

I picked it up and unlocked it, going to my messages.

I can pick you up?

He always picks me up. Well, when we hang out, that is.

Sure.

I sent the message and slid my phone into my pajama pocket. I'd take an Advil and drink this whole bottle of water, and I'd be good.

I hate being left alone when I have a peculiar tendency to self destruct. Though it seems to be one of the few things I can get right. Well, almost. According to Sykes I could slit a vein and make everyone happy.

Everything went blurry as I stood to head to my room. My head started spinning and my stomach clenched in pain.

This hasn't happened before. It's kind of scaring me.

Listen to me, I've been so intent on wasting myself and I'm scared. Though, I think it's because of the unknown. Like the old saying: people only fear what they don't know. Which is true. I've never really took the time to be religious. Nor seen the point. If there was a god, wouldn't he show himself? Not to mention how shot to hell this world is. He'd save it by now.

My knees went weak and I found myself falling to the floor. I didn't feel the impact. I didn't feel anything. I didn't hear anything but the rapid thumping of my heart. I couldn't see anything but the blackness threatening to cloud my vision.

I couldn't help but wonder: is the the last thing I'll feel? Is this the end for me?

Hopefully so. I've never really tried to carry out the full destruction of myself. It was only a few cuts here and there, never deep enough to hit a vein. But deep enough. They always healed. It was always half-ass fasting, never completely depriving myself of food.

But maybe my body finally gave up. Maybe the world shoved me hard enough, finally hurling me out like a disease.

The bad part is I'm not sure whether this would've been my decision if I wasn't already too far gone. I couldn't help but feel as if I would've saved myself.

Then again, who would want that? These are the darkest days of humanity, drawing even the smartest minds to insanity. People judge and ridicule someone to the point they won't bat a lash at the thought of taking their life. Some try, trust me. Few have the nerve. Those that don't, get called names and get bashed for 'seeking attention' until they've had enough and take a gun to where death is inevitable. Which, it is anyways. But I'm meaning it in the way that someone can't find you bleeding out of a floor and take you to a hospital leading to your survival. Survival that you're not sure you wanted.

My stomach felt like it was caving in on itself. If I survive this, maybe I'll be thin enough to be normal. Maybe I'll be confident enough in myself to eat and take my shirt off, ignoring the fact I'll look like an emo zebra.

The blackness took over my vision. Everything felt fuzzy, and I soon felt myself going numb.