Comfortably Numb (Kellic)

Chapter Sixteen

Everything hurts. I don't want to feel anything at all. They said it'd hurt for a few days, but not as to why. I'm in the dark here, even though I don't see a reason to care about it. I just feel like I should maybe know what I've done to myself.

It's kind of sad that I inflicted this pain upon myself just to get away from this world. There are people out there like me. They pray for the day they fall asleep and don't wake up. Suicide is such a delicate and horrid thing. No one should have to live this way. The way the world is today though, it's harder to find people that love it and themselves. Like I've said before, these are the darkest days of humanity, drawing even the smartest minds to insanity.

I pushed the food around my plate with the spork they provided. Plastic, of course, with rounded edges. They try to tell me all patients have these. I'd believe it if they didn't take all my strings last night. Raided the bag Vic brought me, removing the strings from my sleep pants and hoodie. They really think that's going to help. Of someone under suicide watch wants to kill themselves enough, they'll find a way. Smash their faces into a wall repeatedly, drown themselves in the toilets, shove the end of the spork into their larynx. I could come up with a thousand ways to hurt yourself in here. I guess that's why I'm fucked up. Things like this run through my head without any rhyme or reason. They're just there.

"Kellin, your mother is here. I'll send her in once you're done with your food." A nurse said, poking her head in the door that always remained slightly cracked.

I pushed my tray towards her. "I'm done." I said, smiling politely. I'm not a complete asshole.

The food thing still gets me though. I'll eat. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. They're still there. They always will be. Just like every bad thought I've ever had. They just get louder until you can't handle it anymore and I've reached my limit. It's terrifying people put guns to their heads to shut the voices up.

The nurse cleared my table, rolling it out with her. Mother is bound to have some pity party. I hate it with a passion. If I wanted her pity I would've tried to kill myself when she was home. I don't need it, nor do I want it.

She pushed the door open, surprisingly by herself. I figured she'd have her boyfriend with her. Well, whoopte-fucking-do.

"Kellin, sweetheart." She said, pulling me in for a hug. I sighed against her.

Really, I miss the way we were. But people grow up and people change. Things happen to relationships between parents and children. Mine just so happened to kind of fade. Yeah, she's my mother. The only one that has even attempted to be there for me from my family. That's not saying she couldn't have been a better mom though.

"They wouldn't tell me what happened. Are you okay?" She asked, holding me at arms length.

This took a whole lot of stress off my shoulders. They probably didn't tell her because they really don't know themselves. I wouldn't tell the truth anyways.

"I was feeling sick, you know. A stomach ache, a headache, I figured it was the flu or some shit. So, I took penicillin." I lied straight through my teeth, like I had a thousand times before. This time though, I felt.. bad about it. She needs to know, but she doesn't. She doesn't need that stress on her.

She frowned, creases forming thin lines on her forehead. "You know you have an allergy."

"I wasn't in it at the time. I didn't think about that."

I did though. That was literally the only thing running through my mind and at that time, I was thankful I was allergic to one of the most common medicines. When I was younger I hated it. I had to have special medication when I came down with the flu. Luckily, I never did often.

"Well, I'm going to speak to the doctors. They said I should talk to you first." She forced a smile. The dark bags under her eyes indicated she hasn't been sleeping too much. I hope it wasn't about me. I'm not worth the time or worth loosing sleep over.

She squeezed my hands, and turned to exit the room.

"Mom," What am I thinking? "I love you." I felt the need.

"I love you too, Kellin." She smiled, leaving this time.

--

I was shaken from sleep by an all too familiar face. First instinct was for me to smile. I couldn't count the times I'd hope to wake up beside this face. Or at least call my own.

"Hey." His voice sounded as if it'd fail him at any time. It was raspy and weak. I hate myself so much for putting him through this.

I smiled and pulled myself into a sitting position on the bed. "Hi." I croaked. God, I sound like an awakening corpse already.

Vic held up a blanket and a pillow, and that's when I noticed two coffees sat at the table beside the door. "I'm spending the night with you."

I'd be lying if I said my stomach didn't do flips just then. No matter how fucking shitty I feel, he seems to make me feel a fraction of a bit okay. I used to hate it. Now I'm seeing him as some sort of light in my darkened state of my mind.

"They're going to allow that?" I asked, holding the thin sheet up nonetheless. I can understand why he felt the need to bring his own blanket. These are shitty as fuck. Though I wouldn't tell him I've been burning up at night. The whole 'on fire' thing is getting worse.

"I didn't ask." He smirked, sliding in beside me and throwing the cover over us.

My bad little boy. "Joining the dark side, I see."

His laugh made my heart swell. I could feel my own self reacting in such a way to this, and it kind of shocked me. I wouldn't have expected any person to make me feel this way.

My head rested on his shoulder, his arm was wrapped around my own shoulders, our legs were tangled together, and his free hand played with the fingers of mine. I didn't want to smile. I shouldn't have been smiling. Someone, he, isn't allowed to do this. My walls were built to keep people like him out and they're failing effortlessly. It's like I haven't even tried. Or maybe I just gave up with it all. What's the use in fighting it anymore?

I've been distant too long. Like a ship's mark on the horizon. Vic is the only one that has bothered with me. And for some god awful reason, that means a lot to me.