Seventeen | ✔️

Twenty-Five

The drive to the mountain was a long one, but boy was I excited for what was to come. I was leaving Otto in the dark, although I could hear him trying to come out, trying to ask me what I was doing, and what I was planning on doing. But I was much stronger than Otto, and I had been waiting for this moment. He wasn't going to ruin it for me now, so I wouldn't let him get through me. Never again.

He only got past me once, and that was the last time. The last time had been such a mistake, it was almost detrimental to both of us. If I had been caught, Otto would have been punished, leaving me to suffer along with him. Wouldn't that have been torturous?

Her name was Jolene. I didn't even want to recall what happened with her. Otto had been so smitten by that woman, and I couldn't understand why. She didn't seem to be so special, but maybe there was something I had missed about her? Either way, I didn't like her, and I never wanted Otto to be happy. I never wanted Otto to be in love. Love was dangerous for both of us ever since Susanne. And that was the reason why he could not wake up until I was finished with the task ahead of me.

•••

My head was pounding, and it was definitely not due to a hangover because of my newfound sobriety. My eyes fluttered open slowly, and my vision was blurry as I tried to make out where I was. And then I realized I was lying on the floor in my house. What the fuck?

Oh shit!

Otto. I started to remember that he had come home from his meeting with Harrison, and he told me they were going to the mountains together. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted that he had to go. And then we fought and he knocked me out. That fucking asshole.

I slowly stood up, groaning because my head was throbbing with pain. It was definitely not a pleasant feeling. But right now, my head was the last of my priorities. I had to focus on the real problem: Otto hadn't been himself. He was in the process of dissociating, talking in the third person. That was how he transitioned from himself to his other personality, or at least that was how his therapist back home once described it to me. Usually I was able to help him stop his dissociations by telling him to wake up, but not this time. By now, he was probably completely dissociated just in time to seem normal with Harrison.

This is seriously fucking bad.

I wasn't sure exactly who he could be when he dissociated. I was never around when he would fully dissociate because he always ran away before anyone could see. But I knew one thing for sure, and that was that Otto didn't have a good track record when it came to relationships. All of his girlfriends ended up moving away at some point after breaking up, and I had no idea why.

So I started looking around for any clues as to why Otto would go to the mountains. Specifically, Mount Huron. I was looking for any hints as to his plans for him and Harrison once they got to the mountain. Maybe there would be something that would clue me in on what it was Otto did every time he disappeared.

So I decided to first check his room. And I had to do it fast.

•••

There wasn't much conversation on the ride to the mountains, and there was still over an hour left of the journey, which was good. I needed the time to fully convince myself that the Otto I was with was the normal Otto rather than the second personality of his I'd never came across. I needed to calm myself down, to convince myself that everything was fine, that all Otto wanted to do was get away with me. Maybe he just had a love for the mountains? Being in Michigan, there weren't many, and all of the mountains were fairly small. Maybe he was originally from Colorado or Utah? Somewhere with mountains? Maybe he just missed them and had a secret passion for hiking?

It was really hard to find a sane reason behind the trip, but I was trying my best.

"I've never been to the mountains in Michigan," I said, breaking the silence. Again, attempting to keep my mind off of the negative thoughts and what-ifs.

"You're going to love it," Otto said. He didn't seem weird, he seemed like himself. His hand landed abruptly on top of mine, a gesture I had always loved and been comforted by. But this time, I felt myself flinch. Otto looked over at me. Shit. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I looked over and smiled despite my nerves. "Yeah, I guess I'm just a little jumpy today."

Thankfully, he looked back at the road. "Look, I'm sorry if I frightened you earlier. I don't know what came over me, I just... I wasn't thinking. You know about my... issue," He took a deep breath. Studying him, by the way he shifted awkwardly in his seat and his free left foot tapped on the floor of the car, I could tell that he was on-edge just as I was. "It's hard to live like I do, Harrison. It's hard to live with myself when sometimes I lose control of my own actions and I didn't mean to scare you. I could feel myself dissociating back at the apartment, so I took my meds when I got back home. Took some time to  shower and come to terms with everything, and Jason talked me down. I don't want to be like that around you. The last thing I want is to scare you."

Then it all clicked. He had been so impulsive earlier, hurting himself and all, because he was dissociating. I understood why he was so angry, and it was all recognizable by what Jason had told me. Otto had a dark side, a mean side, and that had appeared earlier. I was relieved and my body immediately relaxed, knowing that this was the true Otto sitting beside me. Holding my hand and every-so-often looking over at me to smile. The way his lips curved up into a smile, his perfectly pink and plump lips that I would die to kiss for the rest of my life. I thought about it in my head just how much I wanted to tell him to pull over, grab him by his collar and slam my lips against his. If only I could grab him like that, kiss him like the world was fading away and we were just two people molding together, I love you, Otto, I would say. I love you despite your  demons. I couldn't say it out loud, could I? It would be too much, wouldn't it? He wouldn't feel the same way about me as I felt about him. I couldn't say it out loud.

But when Otto's hand lifted mine up to meet his lips, pressing them cautiously on the top of my hand, he touched me like I was made of glass, like if he pressed too hard or too fiercely, he would break me, he spoke, "I'm sorry for scaring you. I understand if you can't forgive me for it." His voice broke off like it was one of the hardest things for him to say. Maybe I wasn't the one made of glass, but him instead. So that's why, even despite my fears of him not reciprocating my feelings or backtracking or freaking out about the words I was going to say, I love you, Otto, I love you despite your demons, I needed to tell him. He needed to know.

"It's okay," I said finally. And then came the words I'd been holding back, "I love you, Otto. I love you despite your demons."

•••