debut • harry styles

015

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?
8.10.2022

"harry, i'm confused." i say. am i about to lose two friends in one day?

"just friends? hmh. just friends don't sing love songs together. just friends don't get jealous when one talks to someone else. just friends don't get butterflies from each other. just friends don't look at each other like that. so when do you want me to believe that we are just friends?" harry says.

i take a moment to process what he said while he just looks at me with an unreadable expression. his jaw is twitching slightly and his shoulders are ever so slightly tense.

someone just confessed to me for the second time today, and honestly it's boosting my ego.

well, not love. only one person did that. but harry does have feeling for me which is truthfully hard for me to believe.

not in the aspect that i'm ugly or anything because i do get insecure from time to time but i'm fairly confident in my looks.

the only thing that i don't like about myself is that i talk too much. i talk too much about everything and i hate it.

my mind is constantly running, thinking of things such as sports or celebrities, or even just plain and simple thoughts.

my parents have ingraved the fact that i talk too much into my brain so i think i've gotten better at keeping things to myself unless someone asks. and if they do ask, simply answer the question and don't ramble on.

just as i'm doing now. i need to focus on what's going on in front of me.

"no." i say.

"what do you mean no?" he says. i notice his shoulders tense up just a bit more. when he realizes that i noticed, he relaxes them.

"you can't have feelings for me." i state. i don't know how his feelings are supposed to magically go away, but if they don't, it'll make everything so much harder.

"oh, but you can?" he says.

"when did i say i have feelings for you." i say. denying is one of my favorite tatics.

"i'm not stupid, belle." he says. maybe denying won't work right now.

"i've only known you for two months, harry. that's way too soon." i say. well, two months and ten days but who's counting?

"not soon enough for you to develop feelings for me." he states. why is he so good at this arguing thing?

"even still, i'll tell you anything you want to know about me." harry says. "and if i'm being honest with you, i don't really think that that's the issue." he's too good at reading people.

"that what do you suppose the issue is then?" i ask crossing my arms in front of my chest:

"you tell me." harry states. "i don't have any problem with dating you."

"the internet." i say.

"we keep it a secret." harry says as if it's the easiest thing in the world.

"keeping relationships a secret only destroys the relationship in the end." i say.

"look, i'll give you some time to think about it, ok? i don't want to rush you into make a decision you don't want to make." harry says.

"thanks." i mumble. i can't tell by the tone of his voice if i hurt his feelings or not, which i hope i didn't.

i do have feelings for him, it's just more complicated than that. i'm not trying to get dragged on the internet, you know?

~

once i left harry's house, pun intended, i took an uber home. i don't really think i'm famous enough to get recognized in an uber.

i turned my phone off completely so i could be alone with my thoughts, dangerous, i know. but i need to sort through the past 12 hours because they've been too much.

i don't think there is anything i can do regarding austin, he made up his mind and i'm going to have to deal with it.

harry though, is a different story. i like him, a lot. but if today told me anything, it's that if we dated, the internet would be in shambles. stan twitter would go crazy.

i don't want to destroy my career or his, so maybe it's for the better if we don't date, that's what my mind is telling me at least.

my heart is telling me the exact opposite. i should follow my heart, i want to follow my heart, but my brain is making vaild points.

internet aside, if harry and i don't work out, i don't want to lose him as a friend. i've only known him for about 2 and a half months but he means a lot to me and i don't want to lose him.

but it is out in the open that we both have feelings for each other, so it's not like we can ignore them.

thinking back to what harry said, about keeping it a secret seems like a good idea except for those situations usually end badly.

taylor's relationship with joe is pretty private for the most part, some might describe it as cryptic, but they've been together for six years and haven't had an issue.

except for the time taylor tried to break up with joe and he flat out told her no, menace on his end to be honest.

part of me is scared about getting into a relationship with harry because what if i just love the idea of him that's in my head?

i don't have to make a decision right now, but i don't want to lead him on for two reasons, well three reasons.

first of all, i would hate if i was in his position, it would be the only thing i would think about.

two, if i end up saying no, and we don't date, i would hate to just lead him on like that.

three, if i do say yes, and we do date, i don't want him to think i had a hard time making up my mind.

because that could lead to uncertainty in a relationship. am i thinking into this too much?

when i'm in harry's company, i feel like i'm at home. but in his absence, the overthinking creeps through the windows and realization breaks down the door. the bubble that i built around my heart pops, until i'm left with only one thought.

harry and i could never work.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did, comment & vote please <333

also, i want to know how you guys found this book, so lmk in the comments :)

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