Danger Zone

Chapter 23: "If I Could Turn Back Time"

"I could have fucking died!" Jules's confession how close she had come to lose her life kept echoing on in Tom's mind. The look in her eyes, the pain, the heartbreak, the sadness ...all of it was etched on his memory. He clenched his jaw and sighed. He rolled over on his stomach and looked at one of his favorite photos of Jules for the umpteenth time. "What have I done?" he mumbled and felt how his own heart was still broken. Or better, how it was still missing and replaced by a black hole. He reached for his phone and checked, but Jules had still left all of his messages on "Read".

"My world was shattered I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
You walked out that door and I swore I didn't care
But I lost everything darling then and there"

If he was brutally honest with himself, he not only had stabbed her in the back and broken her trust as well in the process, but he had lost almost everything. There had been more to them. Much more. They had felt each other in their souls as well. He wasn't sure if he could call her his "soulmate", but fact was that there had been a level of love he had rarely ever experienced before. Tom felt his eyes well up with tears again. "Jules, I love you, and I need you", he sobbed. For a moment, he considered calling her, but he sensed that she wasn't going to be amused if he dared do that.

In his mind, he relived everything. Their first meeting, her sass, how they were falling in love, their skydiving date, their naps, the little moments of intimacy and affection ...and the kiss. The moment he remembered that he decided to text Jules again: "I know, I fucked up. Terribly. And trust me when I say that I wish I could take back those words. I never meant to break your heart, Jules. You still mean the world to me, and I feel empty without you. Please, give me a chance to rectify my mistake. I love you." Nope, those last three words were too much. He deleted them again and wrote: "I miss you.
- Tom"

As soon as he had hit "Send", he knew it was going to be another futile attempt to win Jules back, but at least he'd tried.

"I could have fucking died!" He couldn't get over that, the way she had said it, the look in her eyes, everything. And as he was mulling it over again and again, something inside him suddenly clicked. There was a pattern, and it had been there for quite some time already. Only, it had taken him up until now to realize what it was. Scientology. That was what had ultimately been behind his last two divorces and which had now also driven Jules away. The reason why he couldn't see Suri as often as he'd like to because Katie had the sole custody for their daughter. Had he really been *this* blinded by his faith and the church's doctrine that he had basically sacrificed his love life for it? Jules telling him how therapy and psychiatry had saved her life probably was the rude awakening he had needed.

The next day, he got to work.

Which of course didn't go unnoticed. "Tom, what on Earth are you doing?!" Lee Anne asked, when she saw him sorting out Scientology works and insignia.
"Cleaning out", he replied and looked at his sister.
"Wh-what?"
Tom took a deep breath. "I'm done here. I ... I found out a while ago already that the Scientology teachings don't nourish me as much anymore as they used to. And the fight I had with Jules only ..." He bit on his lip. "What she told me changed something. I realized she might have a point, and it's either her or Scientology." He ran a hand through his hair.
"Oh wow! Are you sure? I mean, this has been at the core of your being for more than thirty years!"

Tom only nodded and got back to sorting out stuff.

"Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and darling ..."

It didn't take long for David M to show up at the scene. "Tom, what is this?"
Tom just shot him a death glare. "And YOU are the last fucking person I want to see right now. Because I listened to you and did as you wanted me to, Jules has left me."
"Well, she obviously didn't love you then."
"Are you really that thick? She left because I hurt her. And when she walked out of that door, she took my heart with her. I feel like shit since she left!" He paused for a second. "I not only broke her heart, but also her trust. And I am not going to ever make that mistake again. On the contrary, I am going to rectify this and hopefully win her back."
David shook his head. "Tom, you're really on the wrong track here. You need someone ..."
"How about you shut the fuck up? I'm done with you and all of this!" He gestured at the pile he had already removed from the shelves. "I also don't care if you approve of Jules or not. She's the one I want in my life. And now – go away, I got some shit to do."