No name... Yellowstone fanfiction

chapter 15 "no words"

I sat on my bunk watching the doctor stitch my chest and face. I glanced over at everyone watching in concern from the couch and table. "Okay. Take these, two a day. in the morning then once at night. You should heal up quick" he handed me two bottles of pills. I looked up at him. "is this.....um..is this okay to take.. while.. pregnant?" I whispered. "Just for...you know.. precautions?" He looked at me kinda alarmed. "You're pregnant?" He asked kinda loud. "Shh! I don't know for sure.." I said as I glanced at everyone watching me. He took the pills from me. "You can take the antibiotics. But not the pain killers. Now...it's none of my business but.. I think you should see a real doctor. Get that child checked out. Okay?" I nodded as the doctor packed his things. "I'll be back soon to check up on ya alright?" I nodded once again. "Now...now..if you're gonna have a child..the child has to exist with parents....and no offense pink.. but...Ive never seen your name on  file...anywhere." I looked down rubbing my neck. "All I'm saying is...be careful. I wouldn't want something bad happening where that child would need REAL medical assistance the state could easily take a child like that." Iooked down at my bruised legs. "Thanks doc.."  The doctor walked past the group of people who care deeply about me. I curled up on the bed facing the wall. That's where I stayed for days. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't eat, I didn't move. I was so numb. For some reason I couldnt regain strength, I couldnt focus back into reality.
....
After some days i felt a hand on my arm. "Hey pinky girl. How about you eat something huh? Feed that baby?" Lloyd says quietly as he sat on my bed. "...not hungry" I say very softly. "come on sugar. You love ma cookin. Chillie with cheese. Your favorite" he rubbed my arm softly. I turned over to look up at him as I used to be a foodie. He smiled softly. "There's that pretty face. You wanna come out and eat somthin?" I shook my head. He grabbed my hand kissing it. "You ain't alone baby. You've got everyone in this bunk house" I sat up slowly holding onto him. "I need some air" I say as he held me up. "That sounds good don't it?" I nodded as I limped outside. "Here we go" he helped me sit down on a plastic chair outside the bunkhouse doors. I watched as the guys fooled around with the lassos. "What's on your mind?" Lloyd leaned back cracking open a beer.
"I think you already know.." I mumbled. "Hmf" Lloyd grunted as he crossed his legs. "Can I ask you something?" He questioned as he sipped a beer. I looked at him with sad eyes "sure" I say. "Who...ya know...may be the potential father?"  I looked down at my cup of warm chillie. "Lloyd...I don't even know for sure...teeter...teeter is just a loud mouth" 

"I know I know. I was just curious"I placed his arm around me keeping me warm in the slight breeze. I stayed quiet with embarrassment. "Rip" i mumbled.
"Rip? Man. I knew there was some tension between you two. But listen baby, Rips the best man I know. You're lucky to have him as the father of your child"

"No Lloyd...I don't think I'm keepin it"

"What? Why?"

"Because..I..I won't be a good mother...I don't know how to be a mother, I never even had a mother"

"Don't get me wrong, but no one ever knows how to parent until they had the baby. You'll be an amazing mama" I sighed as I laid my head on his shoulder. "I promise you rip will be an amazing father. You'll be an amazing mother" he rubbed my leg as we watched everyone wrestle around. "Rip doesn't know" Lloyd looked down at his shoulder. "You haven't told him yet?". I shook my head "I don't wanna talk to him"

"Well ya gotta at some point mama. That baby needs a daddy"

"I will. I'll tell him. I just need some time..."

"Times all you got baby"

.....
After weeks of healing and processing things, I was finally back to work doing the things Ive done forever now. I was fat. I was getting fatter by the damn minute. It was getting harder to hide. Although it seems everyone already knows. Word gets around fast. I wore jeans with a baggy tshirt with a flannel and jacket to cover myself. I stood outside in the cool breeze continuously training horses. My job hasn't changed. I wasn't going to allow pregnancy to stop me from doing my job. As I was spinning a lasso Infront of this brand new wild horse, I watched the boys tag calves from afar. I squatted down to train the horse obedience. It starts with learning to concentrate on one thing at a time.
"Do you think you should be working in the condition you're in?"
I looked up as I stood up. "What do you know about my conditions rip?" I turned my back to him as I continued my job. "I know enough. I know that whatever is going on with you is my business" he leaned against the fence I was guarded in. I laughed within a scoff "I don't think anything is your damn business rip"

"When were you gonna tell me pink? Huh? When it was born?"
I scoffed again as I opened the gate stepping past him into the barn "You don't know shit rip! Don't act like you know anything"

"Were you just planning on running away without a word? Or killing it without my fucking say?" I turned to him a bit angry. "What makes you think it's yours huh!?"

"Don't be fuckin stupid pink!"

"Don't start that shit rip I ain't in the fuckin mood!" I rolled up the rope around my arm. "So what if I told ya!? Huh!? You gonna fuckin marry me or somethin? Put a big ol ring on it like it's gonna fix anything!? So three years down the line I'll find out you're cheatin on me with beth huh? Remember cuz you're her bitch!? Then our baby has to grow up wondering why daddy left mommy all alone!? You think I'm gonna yank every inch of money out of you for child support!? My baby is not growing up in a fucked duo home! Not like me! Not like you!!"
Rip shook his head in disbelief as he chuckled angrily. "I be damned if my baby grows up watching his daddy shove his mamas nose into shit! Calling her worthless and dumb! Kickin' her around like she's some kind of dog! I be fuckin damned!! My baby ain't gonna grow up stupid like his mama! He sure ain't growing up being a fucking dickhead like his father!" I slammed the rope down at his feet as I went to leave without him noticing my tears. "You're such a child. I knew you were a mistake" he mumbled as he rubbed his face
"Don't worry about me or my baby. I'll be gone by the end of the month" I grabbed a heavy bucket full of feed walking it to the barn. "I fuckin got it!" He said as he tries to grab the bucket. "Fuck off rip! I don't need you!! Don't you get that!? I don't fuckin need you!" As we tugged the bucket back and forth I yanked it hard once. all the feed hit the ground spilling it all over the gravel. Rip put his hand on his head and huffed. I stared at the feed in defeat. I kicked the bucket across the ground angrily as tears choked me. "Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck!"
"Nice goin"
I quickly looked up at him with infuriated eyes. "Get away from me!" I yelled. "Just get away from me! I can't fuckin stand you!!" I yell as I hit his chest over and over. "Hey! Hey! Come on now! Come on!" Lloyd quickly runs over and pulls me away from rip gently. "Crazy bitch" rip mumbled. Lloyd directed me away from him. "Rip! Listen! I love ya and all but you need to man up a little! I told you to talk to her! Not yell at her! Not degrad her! It's all you've ever done! You know she's fuckin hurtin!" Lloyd watched me walk off to cool down. "You need to... Gain some fuckin heart rip"

.....

1am. I walked form the bunker to rips small home. I stood on his front porch for a couple minutes hesitating to even knock, but I did. I stood and waited closing my jacket close as I shivered. Rip opened the door. He looked up at me with an almost empathetic look on his face. I looked down as I shivered. I didn't even say as word. He took my hand leading me into his arms as he kissed me softly. I held onto his neck by my arms. He held my waist rubbing his hand along my body. He pulled me into the house as he kissed me shutting the door behind me. He gently pulled my jacket off my shoulders as our kiss continued. He led me to his couch beside a fire place. No words had been exchanged, only evidence of lust. He directed me onto the couch as he slipped off his shirt, our lips only breaking apart for a moments to undress. He kicked off my pants and his own. I wrapped my legs and arms around his body as he held me close against his. I ripped his bare shoulder as I moaned loudly. I tugged on his hair as he held his face in the crook of my neck releasing satisfactory moans. We spent the rest of the night making love and making up. By the end of the love making my eyes were tearful. He wiped the tears from my eyes. He spent his time reassuring me everything was going to be okay. We laid naked on his couch staring at each other for hours. He laid with his head on my stomach and his arm under my bent leg. I stroked his hair as he spoke softly to me. "I ain't gonna marry you....but I will be with you forever" he says as he ran his fingertips against the skin on my thigh. "Good. I didn't want your rusty ring on my finger anyways" I smiled. "Rusty! You hear that pal she thinks I can afford rust!" He mumbled into my stomach. I laughed loudly as I stroked his hair in my fingers. He kissed my stomach gently "We ain't gotta be together rip... I understand if you wanna raise a child separate" rip shook his head. "Only thing separating us is death" he says as he watches the fire. I close my eyes as I pet his hair. I opened my eyes back up as he stood up slipping on his underwear. "Whatcha doin?" I asked. He grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch draping it over me. I Batted my eyes at him tiredly. I curled up a bit. "Sit tight" he says sweetly and he gently rubbed my stomach. I watched him as he fed the fire. "Rip?" I said tiredly. "Yeah baby?"

"Am I ruining your life?"
Rip looked over at me as he held a log in his hand. "I am 42 years old. If it wasn't for you I'd be slowly losing things to live for. Now I have two things instead of none" he said sweetly. I smiled slightly in the blanket I was curled up in. "I'm glad"

......