CK'S JOURNAL

Friday, 17 March 2023

Hey guys.

So, umm... yeah.

The past couple of entries have been something else. I've been very lost in my own head. I don't even know what to say to that. When I say I'm a negative thinker, I really think of everything in a negative manner. It's to a point I couldn't see all the positives that are literally right in front of me.

To explain what the heck happened to me the past few months, I have to update you guys on something first. Well, I have finally completed my last job, the one as a costume assistant. But the thing I don't tell a lot of people about that job is, how I left it.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't quit. I just didn't leave a very good impression of me at the very end of the job. So now, I think that's the main reason I was not even offered for the next job my boss is on right now. What hurts most is the fact all of the old team are there except for me. I don't blame anyone for this, it's my own fault.

I was too burnt out from a lot of things and I just wanted the job to end already that I couldn't hold in my anger and frustration about a lot of things. I wish I had, I don't know, a better mental state? I wish I have it now cuz I'm so close to destroying what could be the only good thing in my life right now.

Anyways, I'm not going to dwell on the fact I was left out on that job. I do see why it's better I'm not on it right now. There's too many things happening in my family that I wouldn't have been able to focus on the job. I also did say I want to pursue writing instead. I really do miss writing. I miss the days I'd just write whatever and see where it takes me. 

So, umm... 

Remember when I said my love life is non-existent? Well, it's not non-existent anymore. It hasn't been for the past 3 months now. If you're quick to catch on then you know where this is going. But if you're not, my very unstable mental state and me getting into this relationship was what started those questionable entries.

It started on the first entry I made on 13th January 2023. Let me just tell you this relationship started out fine. But my negative mind and the fact that I have zero trust in people online just made it very hard for me to believe this guy is for real. Yes, it's a long distance relationship. Like, he lives in a completely different continent. 

The thing is, he has literally expressed that he is willing to move here just to be with me. Even if it weren't for me, he was going to move out of his country anyway. I just simply gave him a destination. I do need you to understand why I'm very skeptical of him. He is 10 years younger than me. Yeah, I'm honestly just always surrounded by people younger than me.

He's barely an adult or at least just in the process of learning what being an adult is. It's going to take a while for him to figure that part out. I know this. I'm very aware of it but I keep expecting too much from him. That's my problem. And I'm not even mentally or emotionally stable to even consider a relationship.

Also also, don't start thinking I groomed him or anything. I did not flirt with him at all the whole time we were talking. I was just playing league with him sometimes valorant. That's it. He was the one that had a crush on me and the one that pursued me as soon as he turns 18. But now you can understand why I'm skeptical of him. He's promising a lot for someone who's just about to face a trial of adulthood. Not even actual adulthood. Just the free trial version. 

I don't remember how long into the relationship it was, but I ended up sharing this journal of mine with him. That's kinda why whenever we have a fight or a misunderstanding or anything of the like, I wanted to write about it here, but because I was very aware of the possibility of him seeing it, I just didn't know what to write. So, I just take a statement that was either said by me or by him on the fight that we had and just repeatedly type that until I have 666 words. 

But I've decided I shouldn't care what he'd say if he saw this. I really need to express myself and a few days ago we had another fight which I can say almost ended this relationship. I've decided that we shouldn't be talking to each other for a while cuz it almost always leads to a fight and I am honestly tired of it. He is too. 

Thing is, sometimes as I say all those things to him and making everything even worse than it already was, in my head I'm like "Please stop. Don't say that. You know that's not gonna go anywhere good". I just keep repeatedly chanting in my head to stop but I didn't. It's like I'm incapable of talking about my problems or feelings without somehow starting a fight for no reason.

I wanted to talk to him about all of this but I always end up starting a fight. I don't know what's wrong with me. I do know at this point I most likely need professional help but too bad I can't afford stuff like that. And people here don't believe in mental illness especially people in my religion. They'll just say you have very low faith in God. You need to just turn to God.

That's exactly what I've been focusing on doing since 2023 started. I haven't missed a single prayer at all this year. I'm not even bragging that is actually hard for me cuz I'm very lazy nowadays. I just wanna lay in bed all day. Yet, throughout the 3 months I've been in this relationship and the 3 months I have not missed my prayers, I don't see my mental state getting better.

It keeps me grounded I can say that. Like, I still don't go full on crazy but I'm still very destructive towards myself and now it's affecting my relationship. There's just too much going on right now. I don't even know what to focus on anymore. I don't want this relationship to end and I know he feels the same way. We both have our faults in this relationship but I still want it to work. He's literally doing all that he can to be better for me. Doing whatever he can to fly here and be with me.

I just want to be able to do the same for him. I don't want to stay this way forever. I want to be better. I don't want to fight with him every time we talk. I want to say all these things to him but this is all I can do right now. This feels more natural to me. To express in writing and not by talking to any one person. 

I do want the circumstances in my life to change. I am tired of us fighting. I want to do things for myself and focus more on myself. I hate the fact that we're not talking right now. You're honestly the only good thing in my life right now. I don't have anything else. I don't have anyone else. I wish I can just change my way of thinking immediately. You're right. I focus too much on all the negative. I never see the positive. I hate that I can't remember the times when you did comfort me and only remember the times when we fight.

I hate that you're not here with me. I just want you here so bad. 

I'm sorry if this entry is cringe to some people but I just needed to write this. 

I hope you have a good day/night.

Sincerely,

CK Salma