How a Resurrection Really Feels

11

Spencer's flat on his back, panting, muscles strained, and Jon's weight is on him, Jon grunting loudly.

"You got it?" Jon asks.

"No, just a little – Fuck, just a bit more, just – Yes, right there, yes, yes!" he exclaims, the screw finally as tight as it can go. He drops his arms from the sidestand that is now attached to the bike. His eyes focus on Jon, who is still straddling him and holding the bike steady above him. "We're amazing," he says, and Jon smirks and gets up, keeping the bike standing as Spencer inches from under the bike and gets back on his feet. "Alright," he says, wiping his slightly sweaty forehead before kicking the sidestand straight.

Jon carefully lets the bike lean to the side, and the stand hits the shed floor, keeping the bike firmly in its place.

Spencer beams. "Fantastic! God, she's gorgeous."

"It's a nice bike," Jon admits, and Spencer wipes his oily hands on his shirt without really caring about the mess he's making. The world's just kind of fantastic right now: the bike's almost ready, they have plans to rob Resurrection, and Jon is, well, Jon. All Saints Day is coming up, though Spencer doesn't really know what it is or why that's important, but Brendon said that it's a day of big celebrations in Resurrection when all the families donate food to the church for the imminent winter. The warehouse will be at its fullest on the night after, all the townsfolk tired from the joyous celebrations and hopefully out of the way. It's a damn good plan and they've been figuring it out ever since Brendon got back. They've done drawings of the warehouse, of the Uries' house and the town itself, trying to perfect the robbery. Spencer feels more confident about it every time they revise it.

They'll take two bikes – Ryan and him on one, Brendon and Jon on the other. Ryan's already thrown a bitchfest that under no circumstances will he be the passenger, but it's not like there's much choice. They won't go through the main gates but use one of the smaller side ones that are hidden. Thankfully Brendon's local. They'll go in and neutralize the Uries, the only people who could really notice the warehouse being entered, as the door is directly behind their house and the church. After that, they'll get two horses and two carts, waltz into the warehouse, take everything they could possibly ever want, and leave as quietly as they came. Brendon's assured them that the side gate is still big enough for a cart to go through. By the time the locals catch on, they should be a safe distance away.

There's still a week to go. They're all anxious about the robbery, eager to go and do it. Brendon's increasingly more mortified, and Spencer thinks it's only now dawning on the kid that he's going to rob his parents. They deserve it in Spencer's opinion.

"What next?" Jon asks, staring at the bike.

"God, still plenty of things to do. Gotta fix the headlight. Do the engine. Maybe that next."

Jon looks thoughtful though Spencer knows Jon's knowledge of bike building is practically non-existent. His eyes fix on Jon and he grins, amused. "You've got motor oil on your cheek."

Jon frowns and wipes his face, but the black spot only smudges all over. "Come here," he laughs, and Jon steps over, standing still patiently. Spencer grabs a cloth from the table and carefully wipes off the traces of oil from Jon's face. Jon seems focused on him, eyes glassy. "There," Spencer says when he's done.

"Come here," Jon says in turn, arm curling around his waist, and Spencer easily does. Their lips meet in a soft, cozy kiss. "There," Jon whispers when they pull back.

Spencer grins despite himself. In gangs, you might have a regular fuck buddy, but you certainly don't hang out all the time, kissing, talking – or at least he talks. Jon makes an effort, though, speaking a bit more every day, and he appreciates that. He loves spending time with Jon regardless of what they do, but it's not like he can't function on his own anymore. He's always been independent and he still is, but now he simply prefers life when Jon is there too. Jon is a lot more reserved around him when they're not alone. Right now Jon smiling at him is a rare moment, and the smile is only for Spencer. Spencer gets that. If you have something valuable, you keep it secret.

"There was frost on the ground this morning," Jon then says, and Spencer wonders how long Jon spent coming up with that conversation topic. Probably twenty minutes or so.

"Yeah, I noticed. Nights are getting chillier too."

They've started taking turns now to keep the house warm. Each night one of them stays in the living room, making sure the fire doesn't die out. It's not a horrible job, the couch doesn't make that bad of a bed and the living room is the warmest room in the house.

"Do you think it'll snow?"

"I don't know," Spencer says, walking towards the chair. "Maybe? I don't know much about the weather in this place."

Jon follows him, moving a chair and placing it next to Spencer's. As they sit down, Jon takes his hand, planting a hard kiss over his knuckles. Spencer still can't get used to this kind of affection but he certainly doesn't feel bothered in the slightest.

Jon says, "We might find chocolate at the Uries'. They say it keeps you warm."

Spencer would probably kill for some chocolate right now. "God, I hope we – Wait. How do you even know I like chocolate so much?" he asks, suddenly remembering the day they robbed the gas station. Jon found chocolate and he didn't give it to Ryan or keep it to himself. Spencer thought Jon was giving it to him as a last meal before execution.

Jon shrugs. "I used to watch you a lot. When there was chocolate around, you always went for it."

Spencer can only stare at Jon for a few seconds before laughing. "You fucking creep! You watched me? You could've just come up to talk to me like a normal person."

Jon shrugs again. "I could have, but you weren't scared of me like everyone else was. I wasn't going to scare you off so I just waited for the right time instead."

Wait. Jon thinks Spencer wasn't scared of him? Jon scared the shit out of him. Spencer approached Jon just once when Patrick first introduced them to each other on the day Jon arrived at The Snakes. Spencer knew very well who Fifty-Two Walker was, and even if they just exchanged a 'Hey' from him and a nod from Jon, Spencer did his best to avoid Jon's gaze and look cool and calm in his presence. Later, while other gang members were flailing over Fifty-Two Walker, Spencer pretended that Jon didn't exist because the wisest thing to do was to not piss Jon off with stupid shit.

"You can't blame them for being scared," Spencer says quietly. "Your reputation is quite... impressive."

"Have you ever seen me shoot someone just for the hell of it?" Jon asks, sounding slightly annoyed. He's got a point: Spencer's never seen that. Back in The Snakes, Jon killed the people he was told to kill and even after running away, Jon only finished off the people that needed to be finished off. "They treated me like a hero. To you it was not a big deal. I liked that."

"Er... Right."

If Jon is happy believing that Spencer wasn't intimidated by him, then there's no need for Spencer to tell him otherwise.

"And if I hadn't kept an eye on you, I wouldn't have caught you sneaking away and we wouldn't be here right now."

There are no kissing boundaries anymore; Spencer knows full well that Jon won't think he's cheesy or clingy or overly affectionate. Jon seems to like it better when Spencer is the one initiating the kissing, anyway, so Spencer does just that. Jon wraps an arm around his neck, kissing him softly and pulling him closer.

"You followed us and look where you ended up," Spencer says sarcastically when they break apart. "Any gang would be so much better than this."

"I followed you."

"Can't imagine why," he admits, and Jon frowns. "No, I mean – I thought I'd become boring, that's all. I was always on my toes because of Ryan and, I don't know. Guess the stress was noticeable because I hadn't gotten any action in forever."

"Oh," Jon says, and Spencer's not entirely sure how Jon feels about discussing his sex life before they met. "That was my fault."

Spencer blinks. "Um, come again?"

"Guys did want you. I just told them to back off."

Spencer stares at Jon in confusion, and Jon might look just the tiniest bit busted right now. "You told them to back off?" Spencer clarifies, and Jon shrugs innocently. "Like... told them how? With your gun?"

"Usually, yeah."

Spencer stares. "You're insane! And- and," he can't even formulate words. "Because of you I spent months feeling like I was the most boring and unwanted guy in the whole gang!"

Now Jon blinks like he's confused. "They weren't good enough for you. And you're not boring at all. If it makes you feel better, I persuaded plenty of men."

Spencer should be mad at Jon. He really should, but it seems impossible to be. He really thinks that whether or not guys are good enough for him is for him to decide, but he's got Jon now and he's happy with that. At least now that Spencer has gotten to know Jon, he knows that Jon is definitely better than the other guys that were available. And Jon scared away plenty of men; Spencer can now be at peace with his looks as there was nothing to worry about. But he's honestly amazed by what Jon's been doing behind his back. He never had a clue. He thought it was all random, Jon tagging along, but no, Jon knew exactly what he was doing and had his mind set on him. And despite that, Spencer had no idea what Jon wanted. Jon thought it was obvious all along. It was never fucking obvious at all.

Spencer chuckles. "My god, I can't believe you."

"And I'd rather be here than in a gang. Gangs suck."

"Then why do you join them?" he frowns. Jon's been in innumerable gangs. Really, Jon's the kind of guy who should have a gang of his own instead of going to where the best deal is.

"It's convenient. I don't have to do much except kill some guys," Jon says dismissively. "People are afraid of me, so they leave me alone. I usually get a nice apartment and everything's provided for."

"You sneaky bastard," Spencer grins at him, leaning in for a kiss.

"Oh, sorry," Ryan's voice comes, forcing him and Jon apart just as their lips have met. Spencer's gaze lands on his friend standing in the doorway, looking slightly uncomfortable. Ryan scratches the back of his neck, staring at the floor. "I was thinking... Spencer, could I have a word with you? When you're not busy or whatever."

"Yeah, sure. Now's good." He turns to Jon. "Do you mind? Me and Ryan have some stuff to talk about."

"Sure. I'll be upstairs." Jon stands up and heads to the door. "Don't shoot him this time, alright? Brendon's going to be sad if you do," he notes, smirking, and Spencer rolls his eyes as Ryan narrows his own.

"I'll be upstairs in a few," he calls after Jon.

Ryan hesitantly walks in further, looking at the bike but not commenting, to Spencer's disappointment. He'd appreciate a few 'wow, that's amazing's right now. He remains seated on the chair, and Ryan eventually comes to a stop on the other side of the bike, examining the tools still lying on the ground.

"So you and Jon." Ryan doesn't say anything else, and Spencer's not sure what to say to that. Ryan glances at him. "I didn't know you had a... soft side to you."

Spencer knows that Ryan is here to talk about Brendon. Ryan has been sulking ever since the other day when Spencer pointed out to him that he really likes Brendon. Yet, if Ryan's a bitch to him, he'll act accordingly. "You want to talk about soft sides, Mr. I'll Get Brendon Blankets and Wash the Kitchen?"

Ryan's shoulders tense up. "Shut up."

"You started it."

"Okay, my fault. I... just –" Ryan starts fidgeting in place, playing with his hands. Spencer presses his lips together, trying to keep a straight face because of course there is nothing funny about this. Ryan must be horrified. "Brendon, you know? And I- Maybe- Well, you know."

"Like him," Spencer states, and Ryan sighs, nodding as if he was accepting some very bad news. "So?"

"So?! This is... Fuck, I don't even know what the fuck this is! And I feel like an idiot. I can't be moping over a guy, but I am! I'm not someone who thinks about how cute a guy is, I think about how hot a guy is! Or I used to... I don't know. And I want things to be okay with Brendon again and not just because I want to fuck him." Spencer can't help laughing. "Oh, right! Just laugh at me. That's fucking helpful!"

"Well, what do you want me to say? I mean, I think it's awesome that you finally care about someone who is not you."

Ryan narrows his eyes at him. "You're still not helping."

"Then tell me what you want me to do here."

"I don't know! You're with Jon now and you two don't just fuck. I see you together all the time, hugging and kissing and...smiling. I'm sure you know more about this than me."

Ryan's words are making Spencer slightly uncomfortable, even if it's true. He just feels like what he has with Jon is still new, something he's still figuring out, and he wants to keep it private. Okay, so making out in the kitchen is hardly private, but it's really hard for him to keep his hands to himself sometimes. Jon's gorgeous all over. He only does it when he thinks they're alone, though, but clearly Ryan sees them at it more than Spencer realized.

"I'm as confused as you are," he finally admits. He's never been with anyone, not really. Relationships are novelties in gangs, and they usually don't work. Take Pete and Patrick or William and Gabe. They were together. Fantastic. Ryan managed to break up both couples. The end. Most guys don't even try to mix sex with feelings, but Spencer knows there definitely are some between him and Jon. He likes having Jon to himself and he likes it that Jon singled him out early on. It makes him feel unique, like he's not just another part of the machinery. He's his own person, he's special, and he deserves to have something special with a guy like Jon, who makes him feel dizzy half the time. He's not just Ryan's fucking sidekick.

Ryan is still looking pensive. "But I- I mean. How do I get Brendon to like me? How do you get Jon to like you?"

"I'm just me," Spencer shrugs.

"But Brendon doesn't like me for me," Ryan laments.

"Maybe you need to change."

"What? I need to change myself for him? I mean, I'm new at this and all, but that has got to be shit advice."

"Be you. Just different," Spencer tries to say helpfully, and Ryan looks disbelieving. "Well, you know. Stop mocking his religion for one thing. Don't objectify him all the time. Be nice."

"I already am nice!" Ryan snaps.

"Resurrection people don't think like we do! When Jon and I started sleeping together, Brendon thought we were married." Spencer omits the fact that Brendon thought he was the wife. He still would so not be the wife. "And he's still hurt because he thought you wanted to marry him. It's small steps with him, you know? He thinks people hook up for life. If you're interested in a onetime thing, then forget about it."

Ryan sighs and twists his hands. "I'd want it to be more than once. I don't- I want him for me. Not for anyone else."

"Aren't you lucky no one else is around," Spencer notes, trying not to be too baffled by Ryan's admission that he wants Brendon, actually wants him and not just for a quick fuck. When Ryan looks angry again, he quickly says, "Come on, the kid adores you. We all know he does."

"Well I've been nothing but nice to him since he got back! And now I feel nervous talking to him and I try to say stuff he'd want to hear, like yesterday I let him talk for twenty minutes about his favorite Old Testament kings and I don't even know what that book is really about! I feel like a dork!" Ryan rants. Spencer can see why wanting to please someone more than physically would confuse Ryan, who has always been about sex. "And I think he knows."

"Knows what?"

Ryan twists his hands. "That I like him."

"That's good, though, right?"

"No! He knows I like him but isn't doing anything! That's even worse! When has a guy ever rejected me?" Ryan demands to know.

Spencer thinks back. "Um... Oh! That one guy in The Skulls! Remember? You two were meant to hook up but then he never showed up."

Ryan stares at him, face blank. "He got shot that day, Spencer."

"Oh. Shit luck."

Ryan sighs dramatically and starts pacing around the shed, acting like the drama queen that he is. Spencer's realizing that they are both out of their leagues here, but luckily he knows what Jon wants and doesn't have to keep wondering where they stand. Brendon wanting Ryan and Ryan wanting him in return but nothing actually happening between them must be confusing as hell for Ryan.

"Okay, I've got an idea," he says after a while, and Ryan instantly stops pacing and looks at him with expectant eyes. "So, er, you go talk to him. And you say, 'Brendon, I really like you'."

Ryan stares. "That's it? That's your plan? Jesus, that's a fucking bad plan!"

"No, it's not! You tell him upfront and then he'll tell you what he wants to do about that!"

"Jon is clearly not with you for your brain."

"You got any better ideas?"

Ryan pouts a little. "No."

Spencer shrugs. "Well, give it a shot. I mean, Resurrection people end up together somehow, don't they? He must have some kind of an idea as to what he'd want to happen with you. I mean, I doubt you'll get him into bed but..."

Ryan looks miserable. "Yeah, I know. But it'd be nice to..." Ryan pales slightly, eyes widening.

"What?" Spencer asks.

"I wanted to say cuddle."

"Okay, who are you and what have you done to my best friend?"

"Fuck off! You cuddle Jon all the time!" Ryan says in protest, and Spencer's maybe a little relieved that Ryan didn't object to the best friend part of his comment. They have a plan to get food, and here Ryan is, pining over a country boy who will not be giving Ryan the sexual pleasure he's always after, and yet Ryan doesn't mind. Spencer doesn't feel like he needs to stress about their future or Ryan sticking his dick into the wrong hole, and when that pressure is off of him, he starts to remember why he's bothered saving Ryan's life twice already. "You know, this is your fault!" Ryan then says, but instead of wanting to smack Ryan for blaming him for his problems like he always does, Spencer now just laughs. "Shut up! It is! You've infected me with a- a thing! Like a cuddle thing! This is bullshit!"

"Oh yeah, blame me for you crushing on the priest's son."

Ryan grits his teeth. "Okay. Fine. I'll try out your stupid plan, but when Brendon laughs me out of the room and I go castrate myself because I really can't get more girly about a guy than this, it's going to be your fault."

"I'll weep at your grave."

"You better commit suicide right after me! That's what a good friend would do!"

"Eh..." he says skeptically. Ryan gives him a half-smile, and they both grin at each other.

Still, Ryan quickly glares. "You suck, Spencer. And don't!" he adds when Spencer opens his mouth. "Don't say anything about Jon's dick right now."

Spencer closes his mouth. What a waste of a good comeback. "Good luck with Brendon," he says sincerely as Ryan heads out of the shed.

Ryan looks nervous. "Thanks. I'll need it. Fucking pathetic..." he grumbles as he leaves, and Spencer grins to himself, beginning to put the tools away before heading back into the house possibly for some late afternoon sex with Jon.