Sidetracked

Ardell: Forgiveness

- Between Cologne and Brussels -

The train sits stationary, the world beyond the glass of the windows at a standstill amongst beautiful scenery of trees, fields, and a whole lot of nothing. Sitting beside one another, neither of them noticing anything but the awkwardness of the silence and the growing pits of regret in their stomachs, are Ardell and Penelope.

It's a bit too quiet, innit? We made up, so it shouldn't really still be this quiet. She is drunk, though. And she's probably thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Just what is it that we're going to do about all of this? Ardell draws in a sharp breath, finally breaking the taut silence. Lets change the subject, shall we? "Did we just have our first fight?"

Penelope breathes out with relief as she leans her head back against the seat. "I think so."

"Wow. Lots of firsts on this train ride." Ardell nods a bit, then smirks. "I'd have to say my first orgasm was probably my favorite."

Penelope chuckles. "First with me or first ever?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"My money is on first ever. That's why you're so angsty."

They turn and look at one another, though there's an unspoken tension between them. Ardell's smile fades, and he searches her eyes. "I'm just a worthless fucking arsehole, aren't I?" he purses his lips, "But I'll tell you, I wasn't always this way."

Penelope snorts a tiny laugh. "That's what they all say."

"Yeah, you're right. Maybe we're all just worthless fucking arseholes. Honestly, why do you women put up with us, anyway?"

"Because we haven't closed the pay gap yet?"

Ardell laughs, and nods knowingly.

There's an awkward beat of silence, and Ardell keeps passing glances at Penelope until he finally speaks. "Look, I, um... You didn't let me say it earlier, but... I really am sorry. I never meant to make you feel worthless. In fact, knowing I made you feel that way... well, it fucking kills me."

Ardell looks away from her, pained, and Penelope watches him, here eyebrows furrowing. "It's okay, really."

"No. No, it's not." he wrings his hands together, "It's really, really not." he breathes out heavily, "You were right, by the way. About Emma."

"Oh, come on, Ardell. I didn't mean--"

"No, you were right. She is divorcing me for a good God damned reason, and it's because I always do shit like this. I react without thinking. I jump and do something that hurts someone I love, and... then I can't take it back. All I'm left with is fucking apologies and awkwardness and guilt. And even if you move on from it, and you tell me it's all fine and dandy, and you get over it... I never will." he pauses for a moment, then continues, "But, at the very least, I can say with 100% honesty that this is the hardest I've ever tried to make it up to someone. So..." he turns to her, seriousness in his eyes, "I'm sorry, Penelope."

Penelope is on the verge of tears. Her mouth opens, but no words come forth. There's nothing to say. Instead, she grabs him by his face and pulls him into a kiss, their lips coming together in passion and need, but also forgiveness. She releases the kiss and buries her face into his neck, holding onto him as tightly as she can. "I forgive you, Ardell."

Ardell grips her back, kissing her temple and leaning his head into her shoulder as the train gently sways them and the brakes begin to disengage. The conductor's voice comes across the announcement system, still in German, Ardell still unable to understand as he tells everyone that the train is departing.

Penelope suddenly pulls back from Ardell and looks deep into his eyes. "Promise me something."

"What?" Ardell responds, a bit worried as to what she's about to say.

"Promise me you'll forgive yourself, too."

He blinks away pain, his eyes moving from her gaze, and nods. "Easier said than done. But... I promise I'll try."

Penelope gazes back at him, stroking his face.

Then she starts to look sickened.

Ardell furrows his eyebrows. "Are you alright--" She pulls away from him and grabs the vomit bag from the panel beside her, puking into it. Ardell immediately puts his arm around her and pats her back and laughs lightly. "Bloody hell, you have no idea how glad I am that I wasn't kissing you when that happened."