𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 & 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚎 | 𝙱2 𝚂𝙺𝚉 𝙵𝙵

9

• To fall alone, or crumble together •

[Seungmin's pov]

Home was quiet, having the house to myself as Minho had left for work. It was the time to myself that I needed right now. Earbuds in my ears, listening to my daily motivation podcasts as I clean the entire house.

It wasn't really something basic for me, mostly things I needed to hear to keep stress of my shoulders and remember that I'm still allowed to have happy moments and don't need to be so rigid.

It was wearing me down most days now. I wasn't as relaxed or as mentally calm as I physically presented. Leaving me to feel unsteady and the only stable thing that could ground me to a steady plain of existence these seven damn men that shared the space in my heart.

Though everything else in me aches and despite knowing I can, I just can't bring myself to tell them that I'm slowing being torn down into nothing but a mess.

Not too mention it's too late for me to back out now. My family wouldn't except a change in power right now since we are booming, and the only other person to pass it too is my older brother. But he's constantly proving to be unreliable.

I wish I could shut off my phone and chuck it start into the Han River, I can't be forced into a situation I don't wanna be in if I don't know about it at all. Though, I'm smart enough to know that there's always a way for someone to get ahold of me somehow.

In other words, I'm stuck. Constantly having to put myself in positions that are highly uncomfortable, and hell, sometimes even extremely dangerous. But I was raised for this, trained for this ever since I was old enough to walk and talk. It's what I dedicated to learning every summer I had, between school years. Why my college majors were mainly dedicated to business knowledge. Law school is just an extra curricular, studying the law to see what I could get away with and how I could bend that to my advantage. Having the degree to be a lawyer doesn't truly make me one if I'm breaking the law I promised to uphold upon receiving that certification. Especially if I've committed some of the worse crimes possible, murder. Even if the man deserved it.

But I can't allow myself to speak freely about the way I feel. Not now, not ever. I was raised for this. Taught this. Who would I be to my family if I turned my back on that now?

I learned at a very young age how to negotiate, argue, fight my way out of certain and any situations that called for it. Negotiate comes first, you have to keep your tone calm and don't let your body language give you away. In a moment of arguing don't ever raise your voice, you can't let someone know that they are getting to you, eliminate all emotions or relieve yourself of any ties you have to them for that moment. Fighting your way out is always a last resort, only fight if you absolutely must. Always remember you have the upper hand, you're in charge. You make the rules.

I wish I didn't have to do any of it at all. I didn't want to be the one in charge, I didn't want to have to build my own rules. I wish just once, someone else would take my place. Make the rules for me to follow, so they could bend me to their will. It's tiring, being in control all the damn time. Playing puppeteer like I'm some sort of king or god. If there is one thing I've learned over the years as I watched through the crack of doors that weren't shut all the way is that kings often get overthrown and people can lose their faith in a god or become feared. Hell, I'm losing faith in myself and I don't want to be feared, I simply want to be loved. I want to be able to enjoy the love I have without worry or stress getting in the way of how I feel in certain moments.

I finished loading the dishwasher just as my earbuds died and I groaned. Fuck this shit. I removed them and headed to plug them in before returning to cleaning. The house was a lot more quiet now and I don't like that I didn't have some sort of auditory stimulation. So I turned on the tv and shuffled Minho's Spotify playlist before resuming my previous chores as the music started filling the air through the surround sound.