the cult | billie eilish

[3] she snaps her fingers

d.

"you look relaxed, was that your first time meditating?" eva questions.

"i guess so" i reply.

"first meditation, first hike. how does that make you feel?" she asks.

"fine" i say.

"so.. this is a e.u?" i ask as i look around the room, trying not to connect my eyes with eva's.

"sort of. we just talk, truthfully" she says, emphasising the 'truthfully'.

"i want you to relax your mind. okay? like you're meditating" she says.

there's a moment of silence before eva speaks up again.

"i'm gonna snap my fingers, and when i do, i want you to say your name" she tells me, i nod in response.

she snaps her fingers. "name"

"kayla"

"what's your favourite ni'jah song?" she starts.

i think for a short moment, "probably, love on a cloud or i don't wanna leave" i tell her with a smile.

"but they're all great, every one of them. she never makes a bad song. they're all great" i begin to ramble.

"yeah, don't want to leave.." she says with a weird expression.

"it's kind of a sad one. do you remember the first time you heard it?" she questions.

"mm" i hum, staying silent.

she snaps her fingers. "name"

"kayla"

she sighs. "you must've had a rough childhood" she says looking deeply into my eyes.

"did you ever get called things as a child?" she asks.

"dyke. stupid. liar. pig" i say quickly. i hate thinking about my childhood. it was traumatic.

"are you afraid of death?" she asks.

"no"

"why?" she answers quickly.

"because i think it's beautiful-" she cuts me off. "why?"

"because it's equal. happens to everybody" i say with a soft smile.

she snaps her fingers. "name"

"kayla"

"name"

"kayla"

"do you pray?" she asks. "used to" i reply.

"why did you stop?" she asks and tilts her head at me.

"because i realised it was just an echo"

"what was?" , "god" i tell her.

"when did you first hear ni'jah?" eva asks.

"my grandmas house" i answer.

"describe it" she says. "just relax into the memory, it's okay"

"i see.. milk spilled on the carpet" i say with a smile. "and i can hear her in the kitchen, she's cooking" i continue.

"very good" , "what did grandma say when you spilled the milk?"

"she said, 'dre what did you do?' and she was crying" i say, remembering the exact moment like it was yesterday.

"what colour was the milk?" she says in a soft tone and a smile.

"red" i say as i look up at her and raise my brows. "did you hurt someone?" she whispers.

"yes" i nod with a smile. "very good" eva whispers again. god her voice. it's so soothing.