Recovery

6.

"I want you to know,

you're the heart

to my Temple of Thought.."

-Temple of Thought

Poets of the fall.
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I haven't really watched the walking dead, but if that show has dead or dead looking people walking around, then I probably look a lot like them.

Alive but not really, awake but not really, smiling but not really. I apparently 'shouldn't be wasting my life crying about after all a boy all day and should move on and meet other people', my mothers words of course. I scoff as I'm reminded of the conversation we had yesterday. She acts like she understands how I'm feeling. Ugh.

I felt the sudden urge to scream and laugh and cry all at the same fucking time.

I have been crying a lot less lately but I've become more silent and annoyed. I've noticed that I've become really bitchy and snappy these past days. Every time someone says something stupid, I just get so damn annoyed.

Also I've been on an Internet detox. I hadn't switched on my wifi since the sudden death of my boyfriend. I didn't no want, I still don't want to see or hear what people have to say. People from school who I literally haven't had a conversation with even once were at the funeral sending pitiful glances at me.
I don't want their pity. A few even said things like 'I'm so sorry to hear' are you really? , 'I know what you're feeling and going through, stay strong' no you don't, you don't fucking understand anything. And there was this one girl who said 'its okay babe, people die. Ben really loved you, you know?'

I was minute away from breaking her stupid nose. What does she know about us anyway? Ben didn't even know her.

I hadn't heard from people at school in a while. And I was happy about that.

Speaking of school, mine starts tomorrow. Holidays end tomorrow and school was to start.

I'm so ecstatic to be going back to school omg!

Haha no I'm not. I don't want to go to school! I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I have literally no motivation to leave my house, my bed actually.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I'm not mentally stable enough to talk to people right now. If someone is stupid enough to talk about Ben and I, I might even kill them. So hence it's dangerous for me to be there. I wish my mom understood that. But I guess she doesn't care about others' well being.

Aw I'm so much like her.

Dinner was pretty uneventful. My parents kept telling me it was going to be okay tomorrow. I know it wasn't. I don't need their assurance.

Wow I'm such a bitch.

I will myself to get up and ready my things for tomorrow and once I'm done, I go to bed and eventually feel drowsy and close my eyes, but not before muttering a quick 'goodnight' and 'I Love You' to Ben.

Sleep tight baby. Wherever you are.

•••

I very unwillingly got up and got ready for school. I wasn't feeling like I did yesterday. I was rather nervous and jittery and I was just scared. Lets assume that my life was not real but actually a book. Then obviously people who read won't really think of it as a big deal really. 'Oh my god why is she being such a drama queen? We all go to school'. Well if people thought of it from my point of view or just imagined themselves being in my place, then they'd understand.

My dad offered to drive me. As he was easing the car out of the garage, I heard a noise coming from my phone.

It was Ben's mom; Jessica. I smiled at the concern she still had for me.