The Untold Truth ∘ Marvel [2]

Chapter 23: I Am A Wall

You know that feeling when you fight with your siblings then the parent get involved and your just internally groaning because you know you can handle it?

I only felt that with Clint and Natasha, and Natasha being the adult. Or Fury.

But now? I felt like kicking Coulson out, but in the back of my mind he had a good reason to talk to me. He always had a reason.

I pull my knees to my chest as the bed creaks under my weight. Coulson sighs as I look at the floor, studying a small crack intensely. I feel his my mentors stare in me as I force myself not to meet his eyes.

"Do you understand why I couldn't tell you about your sisters?"

I stay still for a moment, not wanting to say or do anything. Did I agree? Did I understand?

Part of the reason he didn't tell me was because of what I'd done. First with my mom, then my depression, then my episode...........and I realized something.

All my life, I had pushed people away. First my mom, then Coulson, then my fellow initiates, then the whole world. The first person I really let in was Clint. I wondered, why him? Why a sarcastic, cocky archer that got on my nerves?

Because he gave second chances. First with Natasha, then me, and probably countless others. Not out of affection or gain, but out of good, human compassion. Clint was the reason I was still here.

Yet I still kept up walls. Everyone does, but I still kept people out. Still pushed people away. My friends, the Avengers, Coulson's team, and now my sisters.

I had wanted a family for so long, but it was all hypocrisy! I had searched for relatives, I dreamed of finding siblings. I had hope, like what I had seen in Zerina's eyes when she knew who I was. I was so much like her, and I didn't even know it. I was so hellbent on hating them and pushing them away, I couldn't understand my own faults.

And for the first time since I knew of their existence, I asked myself, did I really want them in my life? Did I honestly want a family?

At first it was yes, then no, the yes again, then no again. My life was so caught up with my duty, my job, my identity as a spy that I couldn't answer correctly.

Could I even live without SHIELD?

I was scaring myself to the bone. I can't settle down, my PTSD and how I was trained and brought up wouldn't allow me.

This was why I put walls up, because my sisters represented a world without my life as an agent, a normal one.

I couldn't survive a life like that, and it scared me.

I still looked at the crack, and was aware of Coulson's eyes on my back. I shuddered as I answered honestly and completely.

"Yes, I understand."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod. He understood why I pushed people away before I even did. Probably because he was battling the same fear. Fear of a normal life.

Normal, everyone wants to be at at least one point in their lives. What tell ourselves that, but we only lie. Us agents, we can't settle down. As good few can, but the majority of this organization is wired to do their job forever. We've been to broken to many times, only to be glued back together and pushed into the field once more.

I've been glued back together to many times to count. That is why I have a wall, why I push away.

Because I'm afraid of powerlessness. If it's either not being able to live a normal life, or never being truly whole ever again, it will always be my greatest fear. My greatest weakness is losing not just everyone, but myself as well.