Selfish Loveletter of Dreams

Escape

I layed down, finally getting to think about the day I just had, it was pretty rough honestly. I've been awake for over 24 hours and it felt like the hustle would never end. You'd think after hours and hours of relentless work with no break I'd be so glad that it's over but if I'm being honest now that I'm here with nothing to do, I'm very melancholic. Despite me not being all up to the task or filled with energy, the challenge is what made everything feel worth living. Now being able to do anything I want, I feel empty. The weird thing is as much as I did love the pain, I have no desire to do it again today, despite the hole burning inside my chest to relive the glory and feel it all over again...

Is there something wrong with me? It's always been this way, so hard to even get up in the morning almost as if the act of laying down is just as addictive as a drug or taste of sugar. The dopamine rush is too powerful to conquer most days, it entirely boggles me. I'm doing it again, overthinking about how everything will stay the same forever but yet when a drastic change comes along I only complain and refuse to be grateful. Humans are such ridiculously stupid creatures, it blows me away that we of all creatures are considered the most intelligent on the planet.

The cycle repeats, the same rush of energy, emptiness immediately afterwards and the overthought rant. What do I even want anyways? To be "successful"? To be seen as good in the eyes of strangers who we put on a pedestal even though they eat, drink, and breathe all the same as us? None of it matters in the end so what is there to want?

𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩?

To get away from the same days that repeat over and over. To see 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 anything new. I want away from here... I want...

ｔｏ　ｅｓｃａｐｅ　ｒｅａｌｉｔｙ

But how could I possibly get away from all of this? It's not like I have a fortune lying around or a rich grandpa who could buy me private home in some European country. I suppose I could get a job, but with minimum wage and the fact that I've never worked a job before, it would just take way too long for me to make enough money to even get a state over.

There isn't even the slightest lick of anything I want here, who am I kidding, I'm exaggerating. There's plenty here to want and see and I'm so very grateful for it all but I'm tired of being stuck where I'm at. The mere idea that I can't even leave, the thought of being stuck in this place for the rest of my life is utterly and truly 𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓇𝒾𝒻𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔.

There's so much I haven't seen or done yet. Even as the entire human race we still have yet to even get on the planet Mars! Instead of being a complainer why don't I take initiative and become the first person to get on Mars or invent something no one's seen before? Well for the same reason I mentioned earlier, there's just something wrong with me and what's most bizarre is that I've yet to meet another person with the same problem as me.

But there's simply no way I'm the chosen one, unique, special, the protagonist. I'm just the guy on the sidelines who tries their best not to get in the way of all the main characters around me. This circles back to the main point, I want to escape. I want this to be 𝙢𝙮 journey, if not for anyone else for me and me alone to experience something I've always wanted. To stop caring about anything like, the idea of fame and fortune, pleasing others, and even making my own parents proud. I want to be proud of ME and if I'm happy with myself none of those things will even slightly matter to me.

So escaping reality is surely impossible right? Well it has to be possible, in the world of the infinite anything can happen. Problem is, if you can even call it a problem, I want to escape NOW, not tomorrow, not next week, right now. It's not to say I'm an impatient person, if someone came up to me and guaranteed me an escape I would gladly wait but I'm eagerly and anxiously looking forward to what could come next.