Selfish Loveletter of Dreams

"𝓓𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶𝓼"

I shouted as my eyes shot open. I was laying down in bed and looked around in confusion slowly figuring out where I was. This was reality. I sat up as quickly as I could and looked around frantically. "No no no no no that couldn't have just been a dream it had to be real, it just had to be..." I said softly but worringly. I looked forward blurring my eyes thinking back to all that had just happened. Sitting there is disbelief. "It's always going to be like this, isn't it? Im always going to be stuck here living the same days over and over and then I'll... I-I'll..." I started panicking at the thought of dying like this. My heart started racing and I just couldn't stop thinking about it. "It's out of your control, it's out of your control, it's out of your control..."I said repeating to myself as I slowly but surely calmed down.

"No, it won't stay like this. I won't let things be like this forever. I need to escape, I-I need to go back!" I thought and laid back down as fast as I could. "I just need to sleep that's all I need is sleep. I need to go back to the world of dreams." I closed my eyes and tried my hardest to relax, imagining as best as I could trying to go deeper and deeper into sleep.

Hours passed as I laid there with my eyes closed thinking about all sorts of things, mostly about the dream I had just had. Everything I had seen so far, the way the cabin was made, how loud the thunder was, the chill coming from the window making the entire house feel just so refreshing.

It was perfect.

The thing is it hardly even felt like a dream, it all felt so real, as though I was transported to an entirely different place. A new perspective, a new reality, I'm not sure I've ever been so grateful. I've laid here for so long though, I don't think I'll be able to go back today... I opened my eyes and they started to water. No no, crying won't help, crying wont lull me to sleep nor will it make me feel better. It's pointless.

I sat up, my tears having stopped and I looked around at my room. The same one I had always seen, the one I've been stuck in all my life. Don't get me wrong I've tried to change things. The room, the layout of the room, the paint on the walls, even myself. Nothing ever truly feels any different for long. It's this place I know it is. I need to physically get out of this house, I have to be somewhere anywhere else but here for things to finally be right. Make the argument all you want that I can change things without leaving but don't you think I've already tried? Year after year after year I always do something different, no amount of research I do, no amount of things I try to change everything will always be the same.

Everything will always be the same.

I shouldn't think like that it wont help anything. I guess I'll get up... I propelled myself up and looked around. Just what am I going to do today anyways? The same- stop complaining it wont change anything.

I want to draw, outside. That's what I feel inside my heart and soul, that's what my insides want so that's what I'll do. I grabbed my sketchbook and a pencil and rushed to get my shoes on. I slipped them on, ran downstairs, popped on a jacket and ran outside. I'll be honest I never go outside, there's hardly anything to see. The most green you see is on bushes or trees, never seen a grassy field in my whole life. No green parks either, its all barren and boring. If I had anywhere else to go maybe I'd be fond of the nature here but now it's gone dry and boring.

I pulled out a chair in front of the outside table and sat down, putting my sketchbook down. I'm so bored. When am I not? It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm doing it I'm always always bored. I never understand why though, I always look for every little thing in life to be grateful for and enjoy, yet in the back of my mind it's never enough to keep me entertained. I've been losing my "it" for a long time now.

Just then I felt the spring breeze brush past, giving my face a relaxing chill and a breath of fresh air. Hearing the birds sing and looking at all the nature around me. It's beautiful. I feel sorrow suddenly, waving over me as I start blurring my eyes staring into the distance. I feel so hopeless, I'm still not sure what I want in life, I'm still in this same place, Ive never accomplished anything in my life, the list just goes on.

I want change I just don't know what to do. That place I saw in my dreams is the first time I had felt bliss in awhile. Comfort, I was so happy there. Even just slightly thinking about how difficult it would be to actually get there is giving me anxiety.

I started drawing the dream I was just in. There were so many little details to all parts of the cabin I had seen. Like those shelves which were full of all sorts of things with their owns designs and colors, unique shapes and all. It was so vivid and specific... What if it was more than just a dream? I need to go back, but I can't just go back now. I'm not even slightly tired and I have days to live out in the real world.

I looked around realizing my place in the world. I'm lying to myself. There's nothing here for me in the real world, at least not now. I have absolutely nothing to lose from sleeping all day and spending my days in a dream. If I'm happier there then why wouldn't I? It's not like I have school, or a job, people who need me. I just a nobody who not one person even knows exists outside of family. I can stay in my own world for as long as I want and it wouldn't matter to anyone else.

I want to go back.

I started applying harder and harder pressure to the paper. The lead getting dark and darker, my muscles tensing. Staring at it with a concerned and upsetting look at the page as I drew heavy rain pouring outside the window I had seen. "Calm down, calm down, its okay." I whispered to myself as I tried to slow my breathing. "Nothing else matters, you don't have to think about that stuff anymore. Your emotions are in your control, you can't let stuff like this get to you. You'll see it again... I'll see it again." I softly spoke to myself and by the last few words I had calmed down, the muscles on my face relaxing as my expression changed to be calm and neutral.

This entire part of the day just feels like real life filler until I get to the next episode, my dreams.

Take it back to square one, was there any particular way I got there? As far as I'm aware I just fell asleep and I can't just waste my waking days away waiting to sleep again. I need to do something out of the ordinary, something with quick satisfaction. I can't just do anything though, it has to be important.

What's important to me anyways? I feel this is a question I've longed to have an answer to. When I day dream I know I imagine, being fit, having friends, meadows as far as the eye can see but these are all so attainable. What do I see when I reach in the furthest depths of my imagination? Magic, the ability to fly, a wonderful fantasy land out in a beautiful nature filled setting. How could I possibly see a place like outside of my dreams?

There has to be more to life than this, than waking up, eating, working and socializing... It'll never be enough for me. I think I get! This is the start of a journey right? A new beginning like at the start of every written book and movie known to man. The main character realizes they have to break the cycle and do something more! But oh no they're so normal and there's no way they can actually save the world!

This whole narrative I'm making is ridiculous, but it may just work. I'm going to pretend like I'm the main character for a moment, for long enough that I can hopefully find an answer, a solution to all my troubles. So that begs the question....