𝙶𝚎𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚒𝚊 𝙳𝚊𝚠𝚗 𝙼𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚠𝚜
♫ - "I get along without you very well" by Chet Baker
My door was closed, a signal that I didn't want Two-Bit coming in to try and talk to me. So far, Johnny was the only one I had talked with. He came into my room the night me and Pony had the argument and we talked about it. I did most of the talking, Johnny's more of a listener. But besides him, I hadn't spoken about it. I didn't want too.
I hadn't spoken to Ponyboy since telling him I didn't go on the date, but I wanted to. I spent the last month talking to Pony every single day and spending all of my time with him. Not having him around didn't feel right. I didn't feel complete. Before I met Pony, I felt so empty. I wouldn't hang out with anybody and kept inside my room reading all day. I came out of my shell once I met Ponyboy. I didn't have to think about the way I looked or what to say when he was around. Ponyboy made my true self come out. He turned me into myself after years of feeling empty and lost. Now Ponyboy was gone and I was left with no other choice but to be empty again.
Ponyboy was the first and last boy I'd ever love. I was mad at him for acting like a fool, but I still loved him. I cried while thinking about what my life would be like without him there—I would go back to spending all my time at home reading or riding at Buck's. The only people I would talk to would be Two-Bit and Johnny at home, and Soda and Steve when I was at work. I wouldn't be spending anymore time with Ponyboy, the person that made me light up with joy.
Short, quick, scratching came from outside my door. I wiped the tears from my eyes and stumbled out of bed. Pluto was waiting for me at the door and instantly jumped on my bed after I greeted him. "Hey boy." I sniffled and went back to my nest of blankets that I had made for myself to mope in. Pluto cuddled up close to me. "You're the only one who doesn't hurt me, huh?" I said as I pet his soft tawny fur. "Too bad Pony loves you so much. I'm kinda jealous." Ponyboy loved Pluto. He would come over and play with Pluto for what seemed like hours. At first I smiled at the memory, but then frowned. I'd miss it.
Something inside of me wanted to forget about our argument and push back my feelings. I missed Ponyboy with every fiber of my being. It was dumb of me to get mad over such a little thing but I was stubborn and refused to back down. Instead, I sat around moping until Dallas and Soda decided they'd had enough.
They rudely broke into my room later that afternoon and interrupted my pitty-party. Dallas entered without knocking but It didn't surprise me because I could hear their heavy footsteps coming. I turned to look at the two boys who stood at my door. "Hey, Georgie." Sodapop smiled at me.
I mirrored his expression. "Hi Sodapop."
Dallas stepped further unto my room. "No need for introductions, we all know each other." Dal rolled his eyes. "Get up Georgie, we're going to Buck's."
"Why?" I asked.
Sodapop sat down on my bed, stretching over my legs to pet Pluto. "I was thinking you could introduce me to that horse I was eyeing the other day. Franklin, the old Thoroughbred."
He looked up at me, trying to read my expression. My red eyes and pursed lips told him that I wasn't up for it, but he still tried anyway. "We wanna help ya, Georgia-bug." My lips curved up ever so slightly in response to the nickname. Soda smiled at his accomplishment.
Dal sauntered to the bed, placing a hand upon my shoulder. "C'mon, man. You needa get outta the house." He reached into the pocket of his brown leather jacked and pulled out two cancer sticks, one for me and one for him. Handing it to me, he said, "This'll make ya feel better. Y'know.. about the whole thing with Ponyboy."
Doing stuff like that was Dally's way of showing he cared. He wouldn't say it, but he'd show it any way he could. I wasn't bothered by it. He was doing it his best.
My hand dropped to my lap after accepting Dally's little gift. I was going to smoke it later, when my clustered thoughts came back. Right now I was exhausted from crying, but I'd soon feel anxious and frustrated.
"Why don't you bring Pluto, huh?" Dal punched my shoulder. "I reckon he'd like it."
"Aw, looks like Dally's got a soft soft for puppy dogs." Soda mocked him, pouting and furrowing his eyebrows.
"I ain't got a soft spot for nothing." Dal protested. Everyone knew that was a lie. He had a soft spot for Johnny and me, though he'd never said it before.
Sodapop sat up, starting to laugh. "I coulda sworn you was playing fetch with him at the lot while we was at work."
Dal scowled at him agitatedly. I cracked a smile at the face he was making. Dallas could
scare the life out of you by just looking. "Get your boots and meet me in the car." He grumbled before exiting my room. I shuffled out from under the covers and let my feet drape over the side of the bed.
Sodapop jumped to his feet. "I'll get 'em. Where are they, the closet?" He opened the closet doors and spotted my riding boots on the floor. "Here ya go, Georgie." Soda said. He knelt in front of me and put my boots on my feet for me. He was such a kind boy, caring about everyone and helping any time he could.
Once my boots were on, I stood up and looked at Sodapop. He stared at me with sympathetic eyes and pulled me into a hug. I really needed it. Sodapop squeezed me tight and patted my back. "If it makes ya feel any better, Ponys just as torn up as you are."
I believed that was statue but it didn't help much. It would hurt if I was the only one hurting. It hurts more when both of us are hurting. My emotions couldn't settle. He was my favorite person on earth and I really detested him right then. I was angry and sad and worried and tired all at once. "Is he mad at me?" I shouldn't have cared, but I did. I loved Ponyboy even if we weren't speaking. Even if I was angry at him and he was annoyed with me, I would always love him. Nothing was gonna change that.
"No, he's justing missing ya." Said Sodapop as we pulled apart from each other. "You mean an awful lot to him. I ain't ever seen two people pair together so well." My face fell and my slight smile sunk. Pony and I were the perfect pair. I just wished he hadn't been so rude about me making my own decisions. I wished I didn't care so much.
"Hey," Sodapop said, "y'all will sort it out. Don't worry about it Georgie-bug." He slung an heavy arm around my shoulders and guided me out of my room.
As we walked down the stairs and out the door, my chest felt empty and almost cleared, like there was a thunderstorm wirling around in there before. This feeling only grew as we drove to Buck's. Ponyboy was still in my mind but I wasn't exactly thinking of him. He was stored in the back of my head while Soda, Dal, and I talked about what we were gonna do.
"I haven't seen Ray all week." I said. "I really miss him." Ray was my first friend. I started riding him when I was only ten years old. Before that I had never found a person that really clicked with me. Though he was a horse, Ray and me seemed to click.
Sodapop was going to take out the old quarter horse he met weeks before. His name was Franklin. Sodapop was very exited. "I'm thinking I'll take him out behind the barn. Y'know, because he's old. I figured he wouldn't wanna do anything too crazy at his age. But I don't care cause' I'm just happy I getta' ride a horse!" He cheered. I remembered Pony telling me about how Sodapop's old horse got sold. I understood why he was so excited.
The horses' winnies and neighs rang in my ears once we pulled into Bucks. Dal's borrowed car stopped a little away from the bar and closer to the barn. "What're you gonna do today, Dal?" I asked, shuffling out the car after Sodapop.
"I ride Buck's old quarter." Dally said, slamming the car door shut. "He's a damn bronco, that's for sure."
Buck and Dally were rodeo partners. They were both jockey's for the Slash J. Dally liked his job, though that's not what he called it. Dal though too highly of himself. According to him, riding horses was merely a hobby because he was a "hood who doesn't need no day job." I thought that was silly. He did his job well, so why not take credit? Dally rode the ponies honestly and did his best to win.
Sodapop grabbed my forearm and dragged me towards the stable barn. Hearing the sound of my boots clacking against the stone floor of the stables released the tension in my mind and body. Everything felt better because I was back with the horses. Soda rushed to Franklin after I stopped at Ray's stall.
Ray neighed continuously and stomped his feet on the hay-covered floor. He missed me just as much as I missed him. Almost immediately after I opened the stall door, Ray rushed to me so I could wrap my arms around his neck.
"Hey, big guy." I laughed as he affectionately nipped at the collar of my shirt.
Ever since I started riding with Ray, I hadn't spent more than two days away from him. He wasn't used to going more that two days without hugs or sweet words. Buck took care of all the horses, but he wasn't very affectionate. A pat on the neck was the most any of them got. I kept the horses feeling loved, he just kept them fed.
I ran my fingers through Ray's coarse mane. I missed him a whole bunch. It might sound stupid and exaggerated, but I could feel my gloominess melt away. Animals have the effect on people. The sound of Sodapop laughing giddily echoed through the barn. He was taking Franklin out back to give him some much needed exercise. It made me happy knowing that Sodapop was so exited.
Dal walked up from behind me and leaned against on the stall door. Both elbows were anchored down while he fiddled with his thumb-ring. "So this one's yours, huh?" Dally pushed his tongue to his cheek. The way he spoke made me feel like he had bad news or something. He seemed uncomfortable.
"Mhm." I nodded. "His name is Ray, after Ray Charles."
"One of my buddies—lives in New York—works as his personal body guard or somethin'. He asked me to come back and work with 'em a while back." He rambled, seemingly avoiding something.
"Why didn't you take the job? You coulda made it out of this town and be living it up in the big city."
"Maybe." Dally chuckled lowly. He moved back so I could open the stall door. I started to walk off to get Ray's riding equipment when Dally stopped me. "Georgia." He said before I could leave.
He wasn't looking at me and instead was staring at the back wall of the stall. I was getting nervous, anticipating Dal saying something bad.
I stepped closer, thinking he might've zoned out or something "Yeah?" I pushed for him to speak.
Dally's eyebrows were furrowed and he wore a scowling, confused face. He looked as if he was fighting himself and It seemed like we were standing there forever.
"You're like a sister to me, alright?" He said suddenly. "I care about you. You and Johnny, man. You guys make me soft." I smiled a bit, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. Dally rarely talked like this and I wanted the moment to last. "I know about you and Ponyboy's fight. I reckon it must've hurt. I just don't want you getting so sad that you can't even leave your room."
I knew then why he was acting so strange. Telling somebody that he cared for them was a new thing for Dally. I was proud and honored that he was able to share his emotions with me. It warmed my heart that he cared for me, and even more so that he was telling me about it.
"Shoot kid, this is hard." Dally stood up straight and jammed his fists into his jacket-pocket. "What i'm trying to say is that I got your back. You can tell me stuff... if you want." He said woodenly.
I felt like crying but I knew Dal would be mad if I started balling. Instead, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his chest. Hesitantly and ever so slowly, Dally placed two hands on my shoulder blades and pat my back. After a second or two, I pulled away. I couldn't smother him too much or he'd take back everything he said. "Thank you Dally."
Dal shrugged nonchalantly and looked around, trying to act tuff after talking about his feelings. "It's nothing, Georgie. How about I show you my horse, huh?
"Alright. What's his name?" I asked, keeping up with his fast pace.
Dal looked at me from the corner of his eyes like I had asked something ridiculous "He don't got one." He said.
"Why not?"
"Cause I didnt give him one."
"Well.. can I name him?"
He laughed. "Sure Georgie, you can give him a name." Dal stopped in front of the first stall at the entrance of the stable. It housed a slim quarter horse with eyes that were restless and ablaze. I had cleaned stall a few times before and had come up with a nickname for him.
"Oh, this is Smiley." I said and reached over the stall gate to pet the flat space in between Peanut's eyes.
Dal scoffed. "What the fuck kind of name is that?" He seemed almost offended that I had been calling his horse "Smiley" all this time.
It's not like I have it to him to be funny, I had a reason. "He shows his teeth when you give him a treat. He smiles." I explained. Dallas might've thought that the name was ridiculous but I thought it was fitting.
Dal gave me a judging look. "Shoulda known you would pick a ridiculous name." He let out a large sigh. "Alright then. The horse's name is Smiley."
· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
I pulled the trash bag out of the kitchen bin and tied the top in a knot. Slinging it over my shoulder, I made my way to the front door. It was trash day tomorrow and it was my turn to take it out. The simple chore felt like such a big task after a long afternoon at the stables.
I spent most of my day at the ranch walking around the property with Ray. Buck had finally cut back the overgrowth behind the barn, so the path back there was clear. I enjoyed just sitting in the saddle and enjoying the weather. It was such a nice day out and I was grateful that I was forced out of hiding.
Now it was around 5 o'clock at night and the sky was a pretty grayish-blue color. There was a warm breeze that danced around me while I walked the trash over to the curb. I was so calm. I started walking back to the front door when I saw something out of the corner of my eye; Ponyboy.
He sat on porch, his hair less greased than usual, legs draped over the side, eyes puffy, his lips trapped in between his teeth, wearing forest green t-shirt and his favorite pair of jeans. I knew they were his favorite beacuse he always wore them. Ponyboy's hair reflected in the now fading sun, showing his auburn undertone. He was so gorgeous.
I was looking at Ponyboy and I hadn't noticed that he was looking right back at me. Our eyes met. Pony's expression killed me—the ends of his eyebrows drooped and he was biting his bottom lip. His eyes were pleading me to speak, pleading me to walk across the street and talk, but I just couldn't. For the first time, I couldn't talk to him. It felt like I was looking at a god—I couldn't move or speak or breathe and my eyes were glued to his face. Ponyboy's sweet eyes sent me into a nervous state. My stomach felt empty and it felt like there was something lodged in the back of my throat. I had missed him so much that just seeing him made me all choked up. I loved him that much. It probably wasn't healthy that such a little thing affected me so much, but I didn't care.
I was like a deer in headlights until Ponyboy stood up. He looked as though he was going to walk over to me. Before he could make it across the street, I turned around and scurried back inside. I stood at the door for a moment, then walked towards the window and peered outside. Ponyboy's face was buried in his hands and he was slowing pacing around the grass. I didn't know why I ran away. I didn't know why I didn't talk to him when it was the only thing I wanted to do.
I flinched when Ponyboy balled his hands into fists and angrily kicked the ground, sending dirt flying. He stood there for a second before hanging his head low and walking back to his porch. I stepped back from the window and drew the curtains. As a tear escaped my eye, I whispered to Ponyboy. "I can't wait to hug you when this is over."
Though it was no use, him being inside and incapable of hearing me, I still said it. I wished I had said something like that to him instead of running inside. I wished I had given him a hug. I wished, and wished, and wished.
