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Brighter Than a Star - 10/14/22 - Chapter One

(Long chapter)

I go to my usual place of peace; a tunnel slide in a desolate park. At night. That was the important part. Everything was better at night. The air, the sound, the sky. The air felt fresher, and clearer. Sometimes the daytime felt suffocating, like I couldn't get enough oxygen no matter how much I gasped for air. I preferred cloudy days, the sunshine was nice but it gave me a sense of false hope.

Especially those moments right after a light rain, when the sun will peak through the clouds at the right moment, creating a bowl-like type of sunlight. When the sun wouldn't be shining directly on you, but you could see it in the distance, creating a rainbow in its path. It was beautiful, but looking at it made me feel like life was somehow fake. Like suddenly nothing else mattered, all memories fade away for just a few moments and I have an overwhelming want for flying.

And then I look away and reality comes flooding back. Again, i'm back to being one person in a huge world. Insignificant, unseen, in all the ways that mattered. Back to being Adeline Brett, the girl who is unable to make friends. I stopped trying a long time ago, once I finally realized that all the people I have ever called "friend" were just using me. They didn't want to hear about my day, they wanted test answers. They didn't feel like giving me advice, they just wanted me to tell them they look great. They didn't choose to sit with me, they settled for it because they didn't know anyone else in the room.

That's who I was. That's still who I am. I talk when spoken to, I answer short and simple when asked. I make eye contact for an appropriate amount of time until it's okay to look away. I smile when smiled at, I wave when someone waves at me. I'm barely human. I'm mostly a mirror. I show what is shown to me, I'm silent when I disagree; no energy to share my own opinion, knowing it won't really be heard.

So this is where I go, to a happy place by myself. Most would find it creepy - even dangerous - for a girl to be walking alone at night. But that doesn't bother me. No one can probably tell my gender anyway, I wear baggy clothes and keep my hair back with my hood over my head. I've learned by watching others how to walk...masculine, calmly with confidence. It's simple to understand others once you're quiet. When you're silent, they'll fill in the blanks themselves.

No one really expects someone to be listening to them from across the room, especially when there are a million conversations happening around them. But I do, that's how I get to learn who people really are. The way people dress, the way they walk, talk, their facial expressions (or lack of), the people they hang around in different classes. How loud they are, what they spend their free time doing. How they react when certain situations arise. The difference between how they act around children and adults. These things tell you simply who someone is. You can't judge solely on who they are alone, or who they are in a crowd, but you have to mix them.

Using this observation method, I've learned that I don't like humans in general. Most people are selfish or hypocrites. Hateful and full of jealousy. They want success and despise the ones that reach it before them. They'll smile and congratulate and then curse behind their backs. That was humanity. But I could also see people like me, who gave up on hope. Who simply live in the here and now. Handling situations as they come; mostly avoiding them.

I'm not saying that humanity in general is bad, or that there's no good in anyone, but its just not very common. I got tired of looking for it. You tell yourself that a person does nice things sometimes so they must be a good person. You can trust them because they haven't lied to you yet. That doesn't leave the opportunity that they most likely will. Or maybe its just something toxic within me telling myself that I can never fully trust someone, not even myself.

I slip between the gate of the park, so lost in my thoughts that I don't realize there's someone else here until i'm standing in front of them. I look at him awkwardly, he was sitting in my usual spot. He pulls a mask over his face quickly, so i'm not able to get a good look at him.