Glass Houses || [Noah Sebastian]

23. Not deep enough

!!!Trigger warning!!!!
This chapter will contain descriptions of self harm. Reader discretion is HIGHLY advised. *** will indicate the beginning and end of said triggers. Feel free to skip those parts or the entire chapter if you feel uncomfortable in anyway. Although I will be censoring the act of self harm, it will be mentioned afterwards.

I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I did it, but that didn't stop me. My heart aches unbearably in my chest, as I give my best attempts at being quiet. I press my face into a small throw pillow to suffocate my sobs. My back against the wall. My vision is blurry as I stare at my screen that shines brightly under my gaze.

Don't get used to lover boy. He will realize just how worthless you are and then you'll be begging to come back to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just using you for the only thing you're good for, and that's just being a hole to fill in case you're too dense to realize. No one can stand to be around you. Not even your own fucking parents wanted to be involved with someone as worthless as you.

I scan the short paragraph over what feels like a million times, trying to convince myself that it was nothing but empty words. But I can't seem to talk myself off the ledge. I broke my own heart. Stupidly logging into my email, not even thinking that Jasper would exhaust all options in attempts to reach me. I should have just deleted it as soon as I saw his name pop up, not once but several times. That wasn't even the worst of them, but the one that hit the deepest. He knew exactly how far he was digging in the knife and had no problem twisting it on its way in.

The rooms suddenly begins to feel tight, like the walls move closer with each heave of breath I sharply take in. At this point the tears have completely fogged my whole line of vision. As much as I've told myself his words hold no ground, and he's just a cold and callous man, I can't stop myself from believing them. He loved me, or at least I thought he did, so why would he want to hurt me like this? He knows exactly what low blows to take, and he's careless in doing so.

Worthless

Worthless

Worthless

The one word replaying on an infinite loop in my mind. Even when he's thousands of miles away he somehow finds a way to weasel himself back into my head. Knowing exactly what evils seeds to plant into my brain, watering them with cruel intentions. Just when I thought I was getting my life back on track, he reminds me just how useless I truly am. Carefully, I stand. Feeling all the strength depleting from my limbs but some how finding enough to quietly exit the room. Noah's sleeping on his bed, ignorant to the suffering that I have instilled on myself. The last thing I want to do is disturb him, he deserves his peace.

I make my way to the kitchen, flipping the switch to illuminate the room. I walk over to Noah's liquor cabinet, absentmindedly withdrawing the first bottle I can get my hands on. It just so happens to be a nearly full bottle of Hennessy, just strong enough to numb the unbearable suffering within me. I smile to myself as I remove the lid, throwing it away and taking a mouth full. It burns as it goes down. Numbing me almost instantly as it falls into my pit. I can't stop myself from grimacing at the awful taste, it lingers even long after I find a can of coke to wash it away with. It's almost too gross to stomach, almost. The foul taste doesn't stop me from throwing back several more mouthfuls, taking the nearly full bottle and turning it empty in a matter of ten minutes. I don't even have enough time to process my actions before I fall drunk. I crossed my fingers that the alcohol would numb me , even just a little bit. Enough to help me forget about the pain in my chest that's aches my entire being. Despite my attempts being half successful, it wasn't enough. Wasn't enough to stop the fucking noise.

"I'm so goddamn pathetic" I say to myself as the tears start to flood to my eyes once again. I'm able to hold them back as I begin to make my way outside.