Glass Houses || [Noah Sebastian]

29. I see the world

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. It feels like a boulder is crushing my chest, making it hard to breathe. As I lay there, I tried to shake off the feeling, but it was like a stubborn shadow that wouldn't budge.

   I get up slowly, making my way into Noah's connecting bathroom to try and wash away my shame. The water is as hot as it can get, feeling like it's boiling my flesh as it makes connection. I vigorously scrub away at my skin with the loofah. Repeatedly digging it in until the flesh feels raw. Nothing washing away the disgust that loams over me thickly. The water runs off of me and pools around my feet, tinted dark red from the dried blood that had scabbed the many abrasions on my body. The goosebumps never deflate, as distaste burns the pit of my stomach. When I step out I stare at myself in the mirror that's fogged up with hot steam. I can make out the bruises that have began to form around my neck and mouth. Definitive fingertips staining my canvas a deep purple. For the second time in the last few months Jasper has scarred me both mentally and physically.

   I attempt to go through my morning routine, but everything feels dull and gray. Almost like I am moving in slow motion, unable to fully participate in the world around me. I knew that eventually, the heaviness would lift, but right now, it felt like it was going to last forever. I tried to push through it, but it feels like walking through quicksand. The sadness taking hold of me, and I don't know how to break free. I eventually make my way into the living room, laying on the sofa as I get lost staring at the ceiling. Watching at how flat and dull the white paint looks. Empty. There's so many thoughts going through my head, but not a single one audible. I can't do anything right, not even think. It's a matter of time before Noah finds out what happened and is just as disgusted with me as I am with myself.

  Speaking of him, I have an abundance of unread messages that he has sent me over the last few hours. If I don't reply with something I know it will be a matter of time before he calls or even sends someone over to check on me. Neither of which I want to happen. I can't trust my voice enough to speak, I know I will break down the second I hear his sweet words fall into my ears. I also can't risk anyone popping by, there's still shards of glass from fallen frames littering the entryway.

  I sigh, sitting up to grab my phone that's been sitting on the entertainment center since I was dropped off home.

   Hey, baby. How's your night going? We just finished up! It was so insane I can't wait to tell you about it.

  I haven't heard back from you. I'm sure you're having a great night. Just let me know as soon as you can that you're safe.

I'm going to bed. Trying not to worry too much, but you know how I am. Good night, Roni. I miss you like crazy already.

My heart flutters at his constant, yet not overbearing, messages. It showed that he trusted me enough to let me live my life freely, but cared enough to worry when I didn't respond for an extended period of time.

  Hey. Sorry I didn't reply last night. Got a little more drunk than I planned on. I'm safe and sound. Can't wait for you to tell me about it all.

  I offer up a generic response, hoping it will suffice for now. He's probably busy preparing for his next show, so I don't expect an immediate response. With that in mind I place my phone face down, standing to my feet to get the reminisce of last night cleaned up. Grabbing the dust pan and broom I make my way over to the sharp glass that decorates the wood floors. Carefully sweeping it up into a neat pile and picking it up to discard it in the trash. I watch it as it falls into the bag, hearing as it hits the bottom. I stand there and stare at it far longer than I needed to, feeling something inside of me breaking just like those pieces. I feel shattered, like someone took a sledgehammer to my soul. It's like my insides are made of that same glass, and every time I move, I hear the sound of something cracking. I want to pick up the pieces, but they slip through my fingers. I feel so fragile, like I could fall apart at any moment. The pain is a constant ache in my chest, a weight that I can't shake off. I tried to distract myself today, but the thoughts keep creeping back in, like a poison that seeps into my brain. I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Screaming to just be woken up, but no one can fucking hear me.  I know only I can heal myself, but I don't know how to put myself back together again.

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A LITTOE FILLER CHAPTER BEFORE THE FINAL CHAPTERS ARE PUBLISHED. I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY. I WANT TO RELEASE THE REST BUT I DONT WANT IT TO COME TO AN END!!

-XXJ