Ao3 story (Why would you ever kiss me)

Part 22

OMG YALL A NEW CHAPTER IM SO EXCITED TO READ IT OMGGGG
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"Will...you're Will."

Saying it outloud made the realization even more real...

Mike felt a startling rush of two contradictory feelings. Equally strong. One felt like numbness and the other felt really warm, like something he wanted to drown in for as long as he could.

I guess we can be crazy together.

Mike gasped in a shaky gulp of air, but that didn't provide any relief. He tried again. And again. No matter what he did he just couldn't stop the ache in his chest from expanding to all parts of his body. He squeezed his hands into fists to keep them from shaking like the rest of him.

It was only a matter of time before the impact of realization gave way to embarrassment... and he was so, so embarrassed.

Every moment with "El" this past week was a fabrication. Everything he'd confided. Everything he'd said. Everything he'd felt. Oh god. His mind flashed to what felt like thousands of instances this past week where he thought--he wanted--he...

he wanted...

He stopped himself from thinking any further. He was awake now.

Realizing himself, almost instinctively, Mike let go of their shoulders and turned away. He brought his hands to his head and pinched his eyes shut, but he really should've been grasping at his chest to console his frantic heart. He wished he could just simply disappear. Just as El had been doing--

As Will had been doing. Will. Will.

"No no no no no...you can't--I..." What is wrong with me? "This can't be real. This can't be happening. Please. Please tell me I've got this wrong!" But the response in their eyes confirmed his fears. El was Will. El was Will this entire time.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I thought I'd be okay. No no no. This isn't right.

I'm not right.

His heart was racing so quickly in his chest it almost seemed like it was trying to reach its last beat without interruption. But he soon realized that feeling was just it begging for his brain to produce a coherent thought. Begging it to act accordingly. To start behaving. But everything seemed miles away. He was lost. No. Trapped.

Escape. I need to escape.

Mike looked around him, to the trees, to the empty street, trying to decide where he should run. But his heart had to do all of his thinking at the moment, and it wouldn't let him make a decision.

"Mike?"

He was immediately snapped out of his reverie. His gaze pulled to...Will?

Shivering.

He needed to pick up the pieces now. Of what exactly? This? Them? Their friendship? The last decade of it? But he'd just ruined it. He kissed--

"Shit. Oh shit. I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing." An unexpected peal of nervous laughter came out of him, but nothing about this felt like a laughing matter. Everything has changed. Was there nothing he could do to unchange it? To forget? "I take it all back. Let's just, uh, pretend this never happened. Yeah, yeah, that's...that's what we can do."

I can't feel this way. You're my friend. My best friend. You're a...

"Mike--"

I'm not like that. I can't be. It's not normal. This can't be happening.

"We can just go back to how things were before. We could--we could--"

"Mike."

"Go back--pretend like nothing ever happened--"