𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚟𝚟𝚒𝚒

Maybe You're The Problem

WRITTEN: May 2022

PUBLISHED: May 15th, 2023

Have you ever wondered if you yourself are the problem?.

Well, no time for rewrites, right? *reaches for birth certificate* clarisa "Clara" "Barney" jane eyre garza meow meow enchanted salt-ah-zah, born 10:20 am at august 11th in the citay of apples. *tears birth certificate* fuck this piece of paper. TIS I, CLARA, BECAUSE I SWEAR IF YOU TRY CALLING ME SOMETHING MUCH LONGER, I'LL BURN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE DOWN. BURN BURN BURN BABYYY BURNNNNNN

please, just clara + my last name will do :)

anyways, i'm 16 and still breathing. i also uh . . . have long hair and write songs.

i woke up happy by accident :0

POPCORN WHILE WATCHING TAYLOR SING I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE >>> now that's la buena life. OH YES, THAT'S THE DAMN LIFE!

are my teenage years passing me by? holy swift-

like the song says, aM i oUt oF TiMe *magically transports the weeknd here to answer all our random questions asked during the weekend* dOn'T wOrRy, i'M sAvInG mY tEaRs fOr aNoThEr dAy.

nOw *tunes in dawn fm* aEh, not the lighttttt. i'm blinded by the liiighhtsssss- *accidentally poofs the weeknd back and brings olivia rodrigo*

no one. literally no one.

olive oil road dry: i'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?

me aka clarinet salt-ah-zah: no one tells me they love me *sob* but at least april dyed her hair red for like 5 seconds

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE IS ALL I CAN DO *shoves a 1d book in your face* read it OR ELSE *classic clara glare*

now class *holds up my copy of the 1d book* what was one direction'S debut album called?

jeremy: iS it SiGn oF tHe TiMeS?

uh *furrows eyebrows* no you idiot, that's the title of a harry styles song

sabrina: aH yEs, i cOvErEd tHaT sOnG

yes, i know that sabrina. huge fan here. i really don't know why you're working for me, a soon to be seventeen year old, anyways when you could instead release your next album or perhaps even collab with olivia over there *points to olivia*

olive oil road dry: damn, it's brutal out here-

no shit, OFCOURSE IT IS. HAVE YOU SEEN FRISKY TEENAGERS THESE DAYS??? *shivers*

bread sherbet: DiD sOmEoNe sAy tHe TiTLe tO oNe oF mY sOnGs?-

OH MY GOD Y'ALL, BREAD SHIRBERT IS THINKING OUT LOUD!! Damn his bad habits-

uh . . . no. OKAY, ANYWAYS-

olive oil road dry: what the fuck is up with that?

OH LOOK EVERYONE, WATERMELON FLAVORED SUGAR HAS ARRIVED!

olive oil road dry: *takes 1 step forward*

very good.

*3 months later*

ALWAYS MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU?? AIN'T THAT RIGHT??

BUT WITH YOU, IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT. UH NO, MAYBE YOU'RE THE PROBLEM.

SO GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR LITTLE FINGER AND POINT IT IN THE MIRROR, WON'T YOU? CAUSE IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU. *sobs*

sorry you guys, i just broke up with my girlfriend. well, actually *sobs more than before* she broke up with me.

we were at this party and she said "cLaRa, yOu'Re a sOnGwRiTeR. i CaN't tRuSt yOu bEcAuSe oF tHaT." so she left me there and proceeded to block me on all social media platforms. she even stole one of my inflated cats.

like, you can take my pride away, but you cannot and WILL NOT TAKE. MY. INFLATED. CATS. AWAY.

so now everyone is staring at me. oh come on, wtf? i can't breathe air now?? ok then, fine. I'M IMMORTAL ANYWAYS, JOKES ON YOU!!

time to write an album about it. i will call it . . . maybe. hEy, CALL mE mAyBe.

OMG LOOK, IT'S OLIVIA RODRIGO!! SHE AND SABRINA CARPENTER ARE SINGING KAROKE AT MCDONALD'S.

olive oil road dry: *takes 2 steps back*

WAIT WHAT LIV, NO. DON'T YOU DARE-

olive oil road dry: *takes 1 more step back*

and she did it. THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN E- *world comes to an end*

" b l e g h b l e h " - sabrina carpenter, nonsense.