Through the gates of love

Faith

I woke up like any other day, feeling of being productive was on it's peak as always. I checked my phone it was 26th of November, I remembered it is his birthday tomorrow. I was processing what to do? No not a gift or any surprise but,how to wish him? through his friend? or should I unblock him? A notification popped i was out of my thoughts reminding myself to not think about him anymore and to continue with my day. I was the happiest for few months now completely focusing on myself, loving myself, and finding happiness within and not depending on anyone. I continued with my day, in no time i found myself fighting with my thoughts on whether to wish him or not? It was midnight after a long time, i was sure i didn't have to wish him. it's okay it is definitely not a duty or a formality to wish someone on their birthday. Just as i was sure on what to do, I received a message from my best friend Rachel asking, if i wished him or not. i denied.

RACHEL:why?

ME:is it necessary?

RACHEL:yes.

ME:i don't want to. it's not the same anymore. he is blocked.

RACHEL:faith, just do it.

i got with an excuse and said her that i was unable to find his I'D. i was sure she can do nothing about it as i knew she didn't have him added. i was wrong. she went and shared his I'D. Gosh! no. i have to do it now, i can't even lie to her. i unblocked him and messaged him with so much going on in my mind. what will he think? why would i text him only on his birthday with zero conversation for months?

ME:Hi. happy birthday!

ALEX:thank you.

we didn't have a long conversation. ya, understandable he was birthday boy, the busiest person. replying to wishes, meeting friends and family.

I let the conversation slide. the next day i started seeing stories being uploaded on his, his friends and cousins stories of his birthday. I can clearly see myself looking at him ignoring what is really going on around in the videos. i felt this urge to see and hug him and to say happy birthday as if i own him. the fear of me falling for him was getting real i can feel myself wanting him all for myself. i shut the stories down and did not open the app until his message came.

It was like any another conversation we had before. He shared about his day like a friend and i enjoyed listening. I loved it like always when he shared about what he did or what he is doing about his opinions on anything. I really liked listening to him, like who wouldn't enjoy listening their crush? it feels illegal for me to say him my crush. I always denied when he asked if i loved him or not. Maybe i did not want to ruin what we have or just not to lose him.

After our good conversation i laid back feeling sleepy but couldn't sleep all i can do is think about him. why? why is he being on my mind so much? why can't i take him off of my thoughts? i don't remember when i fell asleep.