Summer Jam (gxg)

21. "It"

The drive goes by in silence. Once we get home, for a few minutes after dad turns off the engine, I stay in the passenger seat, looking at the front door. I am too tired to move, and dad doesn't move either. I think he is waiting for me to be ready, and I take a few more minutes to breathe.

"Dad?"

He hums, turning his attention to me.

"What do I even tell mom? That I am sorry I ran away? That I won't do it again? That she hurt me? That I wish that, for once, she looked at me and told me she loves me for who I am and not for who she wishes I was? That maybe if she taught me it was okay to be who I am I wouldn't be so scared to open up to people? That..."

He lets me rant until I run out of words. Until I am in full blown tears and can't say any more.

"How about all of this?" he finally says. "I am sorry, I don't think I was there for you in the way you might have needed me to be."

He unbuckles his seatbelt so he can hug me, and in his arms I gather my courage to leave the car. I nod against his shoulder.

As soon as we pass the front door, I hear my mom's heels hurriedly clacking down the hallways. She takes me by surprise by hugging me before she says anything. I thought she would scold me and be angry, not cry on my shoulder. I don't think I have ever even seen her cry. She squeezes me in her arms harder than she ever has, and I allow myself to hug her back.

"Never do that again", she finally says.

She puts her hands on my shoulders to steady herself before wiping a tear off of her eye.

"I was so scared", she goes on. "I thought something might have happened to you and that it was all my fault. Baby, I... I didn't know where you were and whether you were safe. I..."

Her voice breaks before she can finish, and she closes her eyes before taking a deep breath.

"And if something was to happen to you, it would have been all my fault. I am so sorry, so sorry."

Relief floods through me. I focus on the floor to keep my attention from drifting away from her words.

"I can't say I fully understand... it. But I love you and I never want to be the reason why you leave ever again. Maybe you could bring Sarah over sometime?"

I look up to watch mom in the eyes. I can feel a tear rolling down my cheek, then another and another. I don't know where to begin, it's like the words have left me. I am the one who is hurt, I am the one who needs to talk. And yet mom takes all the words. She talks and talks and I don't even need to say anything for the conversation to go on.

"Sarah and I... we're not together anymore", I manage to say.

My head becomes numb to the world and her words drown me. I don't quite know what she is saying, my brain focused on the fight with Sarah, on mom calling my sexual orientation 'it' three seconds ago right after saying she doesn't understand it, and on her newfound interest in meeting the girl I am with. I cut her off again.

"Mom... Do you know how much your words can hurt and affect me? How many times I have hoped for you to one day see me and accept me? How much all I want is for you to one day tell me you love me and truly mean it, for you to one day love me for who I am?"

She remains silent, stunned. I look back up to her, but all I find is her shocked expression. She blinks slowly a few times, as if taking it in.

"That's what I thought... ", I finally say.

I go downstairs to my room, slowly, to give her some time to call my name, to give her time to say something... to tell me that she does love me. But she doesn't, of course she doesn't. I close the door behind me, leave my bag somewhere on the floor, and get in my bed still fully dressed, not even bothering to take my glasses off.

I grab my phone to text Rachie, but I quickly get overwhelmed. Then I think of Sarah, but my head buzzes. I set the phone aside, staring at the ceiling. I want to reach for the comfort of the arms of someone, maybe my dad's or even my brother's, but I don't want to risk seeing mom upstairs.

I wish I was still at Sarah's.

♡♡♡
I wish I could hug them all and tell them it's okay (even though it is all my fault (oops))!