Why Am I Like This

It's Nothing

"Stop please no more" Killua screamed as he was whipped and then electrocuted over and over. He couldn't breathe the pain being too much to bear while Illumi stood in the corner laughing at him. Killua shot out of bed gasping for air and sweat rolling down his face. He hated that this was a nightly occurrence that he couldn't escape. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to breathe but was failing miserably. All of a sudden there was a knock on his door followed by "Killua are you ok? I heard a scream." It was Leorio and he could faintly hear Kurapika on the other side of the door talking to him. Killua tried to respond but instead of words coming out loud sobs and gasping escaped him. He sat there shaking trying to breathe as he heard Leorio say "Were coming in" and watched the door slowly open as Leorio and Kurapika entered the room. Leorio immediately knew what was going on and told Kurapika to close the door as he slowly approached Killua. "Hey Killua everything is going to be ok but I'm going to need you to breathe with me ok" Leorio said softly in which he got a slight nod from Killua. "In... and out" Leorio repeated exaggerating his breathing as he did so to help Killua follow along. Eventually he was able to calm Killua down enough for him to be able to talk not that he wanted to. "Killua what happened?" Leorio asked concerned followed by "Are you ok?" from Kurapika. Killua took a few seconds to respond with "I'm fine just go away it's nothing." to which Leorio responded with "It's not nothing because if you were fine you wouldn't have just had a whole panic attack right now." Killua just looked at him before saying with a hint of anger "Just go away I said I was fine." Leorio was about to respond but Kurapika stepped in and said "If your not ready to talk about  it yet we can't force you to but we will be here when your ready and lying about being fine when your clearly not isn't going to make anything better." Killua just stared at Kurapika in silence for a few contemplating if he should tell them or not but decided not to. "I don't want to talk about it and I just want you guys to leave me alone" Killua said annoyed to which Leorio responded with "We'll leave you alone for now so good night and see you in the morning." "Good night Killua and if you need anything we will be there for you." Kurapika says before closing the door. Killua sits there and stares at the door listening to their footsteps to make sure they go back to their room and once he hears their door closed he sighs. "Fuck their going to ask me so many questions tomorrow." Killua whispers to himself before laying down and letting himself drift off to sleep. It was now morning and Killua was woken up by a knock on the door followed by Leorio saying "Can I come in please Killua?" He didn't respond though he just sat there and contemplated about what to do before deciding that letting him in wouldn't be that bad after all he could just dodge all of his questions and deny everything anyways. "Ya" Killua said barely audible and he watched as the door slowly opened and Leorio along with Kurapika walked in. He thought it was just Leorio outside but he guessed it would save the time having to answer the same questions twice. Kurapika was the first one to break the awkward silence between them saying "Killua I know you know why we are here and before you try to act like your fine we know your not and were worried about you, we just want to help you." he said in a concerned but calm voice. "Like I told both of you yesterday I don't want to talk about it so just leave me alone about it already." Killua said annoyed. "We know you don't want to talk but you can't just keep it bottled up inside forever." Leorio said a little annoyed. "Just get out of my room!" Killua said pissed off. Leorio was about to say something back when Kurapika grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of Killua's room closing the door behind them. Killua could hear them talking as they walked away but couldn't understand what they were saying but if he had to guess it was probably about him. He sighed and grabbed his phone to distract himself. He was probably on it for about 40 minutes when he heard a knock on the door followed by "Do you want to go to the arcade Killua? Kurapika and Leorio gave us some money." Gon said in his normal cheery voice. "Sure I'll be ready in 20 minutes" Killua responded relieved he had a distraction from his mind now. Fast forward 20 minutes and Killua had showered, gotten dressed, and was now putting on his shoes at the door about to leave with Gon. Once they had both gotten everything ready they ran out the door and began their journey to the arcade. "Let's race" Killua practically screamed already running. "Hey no fair you got a head start." Gon screamed running after him. Killua loved the feeling of the wind against his face and before they knew it they were at the arcade. They both walked inside debating on what game to play first when Killua came across Deal or No Deal. "We have to play this one first" Killua said excitedly as he rushed over to the game. Gon sighed following him that they were most likely going to spend half of their money here but luckily since Killua was pretty good they would get lots of tickets. It had been about an hour and Gon had finally cut Killua off of the game and practically had to drag him away from it. "Hey Gon I wasn't done yet I could have still won more." Killua whined as usual. "So winning 10 thousand tickets wasn't enough for you." Gon said while rolling his eyes. They both walked around the arcade for a few minutes trying to find another game to play. Gon finally found one that he was really interested in. While Gon walked over to the game Killua was following him but didn't pay attention to where he was going so he bumped into someone. He was about to apologize until he looked up and he saw a skinny figure with long black hair and froze a look of horror on his face. "Hey kid you alright?" the stranger asked kindly as Killua was backing up from him. Once he realized it was just a random person and not Illumi he sighed and said "I'm fine sorry for bumping into you." before hurriedly walking over to where Gon was. He watched as Gon struggled to get past the first level and eventually they ran out of money. Gon sighed defeated and Killua just laughed at him as they walked over to get a prize. Killua and Gon ended up getting a ton of candy and made their way back home eating some candy on the way. Once they got home it was time for dinner which Kurapika had prepared for them and soon it was time for them to go to bed. Killua walked over to the bathroom brushing his teeth and his face before making his way over to his room. He knew that after last night Kurapika and Leorio would be keeping watch over him even more than they usually did. His suspicions were confirmed when they knocked on his door before he went to bed. "Come in" Killua said a little annoyed. Leorio and Kurapika both entered his room walking over to him. "About last night well umm if that happens again don't be afraid to tell us or ask for our help" Leorio said kinda nervously. Killua just nodded his head wishing they would just drop it already and leave him alone. "Goodnight Killua" Kurapika said before dragging Leoreo out of his room and closing the door behind them. Killua listened to them walk away and waited for the sound of their door to close before he sighed and plopped all the way down on his bed. He hated the fact that they had seen him so weak but that they also won't leave him alone about it no matter how much he says he doesn't want to talk about it. He thought back to earlier at the arcade when he thought he saw Illumi and couldn't help but feel scared. Tears started pouring down Killua's face as he silently sobbed at the thought that he might have to see his brother again. He wished that he could have just had a nice childhood with a nice family who cared about him and not about his ability to kill. He hated his family for what they did to him for all these years and the trauma never seems to go away. Every night he is practically reminded that he doesn't belong and that he's not like everyone else. Killua just lays in bed sobbing holding onto his blankets for dear life as he's thinking about all of this. He honestly wishes someone would just kill him already like he did to all of those poor people. Killua sobbed for an hour before he was so exhausted he fell asleep tears stains on his cheeks and a few tears left in the corner of his eyes as he drifted to sleep. "Kill you need to kill them" Illumi said to Killua as he watched him make his way down to a group of people off the street and take all of them out. "Good job Kill mother will be thrilled to know you just took out your first big group of people all at once" Illumi said to little Killua while smirking. They both made their way back to the Zoldyck mansion in silence. Once they got there Illumi took Killua down to the basement right away and chained him against the wall. "Kill I think you were a little slow at taking out those people which is unacceptable." Illumi said to Killua holding a whip in his hands. He then began to whip Killua over and over again as Killua cried out from the pain. After all he was only 6 at the time but Illumi didn't care. "Stop your crying Kill it's disgusting" Illumi said as he started to whip Killua even harder causing him to start screaming and sobbing because of the pain. Killua shot out of bed tears streaming down his face. His hair was plastered to his forehead from sweat and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Killua sat there gasping for air as he sobbed his hand tugging on his white fluffy hair. He stayed like this for a while until he was able to calm himself down. He hated the fact that he couldn't sleep without being reminded of his past so clearly like he is actually there again. He was glad that he didn't wake up Leoreo or Kurapika this time but he just wished it would all stop. Killua got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. Once he got in there he stood there staring at himself in the mirror for a little bit looking at how red and puffy his eyes were. He hated how weak he was. Killua opened a drawer in the bathroom and rummaged through it for a few seconds before he found what he was looking for. He pulled one of Leoreo's new razor blades out and took it to his skin. He pushed it into his arm sliding it across as blood started to drip from his arm. He did this a few more times until he felt satisfied. He was really thinking about what he was doing though and regretted it afterwards because even though it felt good he had no idea how he was going to hide it. Killua crouched down and started looking for a first aid kit in the bottom cabinet luckily it was in the front so he found it almost immediately. He grabbed a roll of gauze out and began wrapping it around his arm. Once he was done he put everything away and left the bathroom taking the razor blade with him. Killua went over to his bed and put the blade in his drawer, put some things on top of it, and decided to just go to sleep.

Authors note: Hi my lovelies I started writing this a while ago and forgot about it so I decided to continue it. This is a really long chapter compared to all of the other chapters and things I have written. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you so much for reading this far. I'll see you in the next chapter byeeeeeeeee.