Why Am I Like This

I'm fine

"Killua you awake yet?" Kurapika asked as he knocked on Killua's door. Killua slowly opened his eyes and yawned while responding with a very tired yes as he grabbed his phone and looked at the time. It was 12:37 pm which was far later than he usually woke up. "Me, Leoreo, and Gon are heading to the store, do you want to come?" Kurapika asked Killua. "Just go without me I'll be fine here by myself" Killua responded. "Ok well you know the rules, call us if there's an emergency or if you need something" Kurapika responded and walked away. Killua sighed as he heard Kurapika walk away and heard the front door close. He got up out of bed and looked down at his arm seeing the bandage reminding himself of his actions from last night. He could feel a slight sting but that was nothing compared to the pain he has gone through before. Killua walked over to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and began to take off his clothes. He stared at himself in the mirror looking at all his scars across his body from his family. He really hated looking at himself in the mirror because of this. Killua started to unwrap the bandage from his arm and seeing the cuts sent chills down his spine. He got into the shower and let the hot water run down his body feeling the cuts sting. He winced at this feeling before he got used to it after a while. Once he was done in the shower he got out and dried himself off before getting the first aid kit back out and wrapping his arm in some more gauze. He made his way over to his room and put on a light blue hoodie and some white sweat pants. Killua sighed as he left his room and went in the kitchen to make himself something to eat. When he was cooking Kurapika, Leoreo, and Gon returned home from the store. "Heyyy Killua!!" Gon says cheerfully as he enters the door. "Hey Gon" Killua responds back and goes back to what he was cooking. Gon walks over to him and says "What are you cooking?" to which Killua says "Spaghetti and meat balls".Killua sees Kurapika and Leoreo come in the door hands full of bags and slightly out of breath. They walk over and put the stuff on the counter and begin to start putting stuff away. Killua finishes making his food, grabs himself a plate, and takes the food to his room. Killua walks over to his bed and sighs as he pulls out his phone and starts to watch a video while he eats. Once he finishes and puts the plat on his nightstand and lays down in bed and continues to watch video after video until he hears a knock on his door. "Hey Killua, can I come in I just want to talk to you really quick" Leoreo says from behind the door. Killua quietly sighs before responding with "Ya come in". Killua watches as Leoreo opens the door and walks over to his bed. "Hey so I um just  wanted to check up on you and make sure you were doing all right" Leoreo said a little nervous. "I just wanted to ask if you had another nightmare again last night or if you slept well last night" Leoreo began to question but Killua didn't even let him finish before he said "I'm fine, yes I slept fine, and no I didn't have another nightmare can you just drop it" Killua said slightly angry. "Ok ya no I can drop it if that what you want I was just making sure you were fine" Leoreo said as he made his way to Killua's door and closed it behind him. Killua hated the fact that Leoreo and Kurapika had seen him like that and he wished it had never happened in the first place but he was really hoping that Leoreo would keep his word about dropping it because he was getting sick of him asking how he was doing. Killua just rolled over in bed deciding to just take a nap to escape from life. It didn't take long for Killua to fall asleep but he also wasn't asleep for very long either. It had been about 2 hours since he had fallen asleep but he was woken up by another knock on the door. "Hey Killua, Kurapika told me to tell you that dinner is ready and to take the plate from earlier out of your room and put it in the sink" Gon said through the door. Killua sighed relieved it was Gon and not Leoreo or Kurapika asking him even more questions about how he was feeling or other dumb stuff like that. "I'll be out in a sec thanks Gon" Killua replied and listened to Gon's footsteps as he waked away. He rubbed his eyes, got out of bed, and grabbed his plate before leaving his room and making his way to the kitchen sink. He put the plate in the sink, walked over to the dinning table, and sat down. Dinner went by pretty fast and soon Kurapika had already started putting away the leftovers. Killua was about to get up and go back to his room when he heard Kurapika say "Killua can you come over here and wash the dishes please."Killua sighed as he got up and made his way over to the sink. He was about to roll up his sleeves when he remembered that he couldn't or they would see his arm covered in bandages. He sighed again and began to wash the dishes with his sleeves down getting them wet. When he was about half way done Kurapika went over to him to put some of the dishes lying around in the sink when he noticed Killua had his sleeves down. "Killua you should roll up your sleeves your getting them all wet" Kurapika said while reaching over to put the dishes into the sink. "Nah its fine there no point now there already wet" Killua responded. "Let me roll them up for you because they will get even more wet if you leave them down" Kurapika said reaching for Killua's sleeves. Killua panicked a little before slapping Kurapika's hand away and saying "I told you that there is no point now so just stop". Kurapika was a little shocked but decided to leave it alone because there was no point in arguing over something as dumb as that. Once Killua was done with the dishes he walked back to his room and locked the door behind him. He made his way over to his nightstand drawer and grabbed the blade. He took off his sweater relieved that he didn't have to feel his cold soggy sleeves against his wrist anymore. He slowly began to unwrap the bandages on his arms looking at his cuts from yesterday. Killua sighs as he picks up the blade and begins sliding it across his arm watching as red liquid rolled down his arm. He made about 10 new cuts which is a lot to do all at once but he wasn't exactly thinking he was just doing. He was about to make another one when he heard a knock on the door followed by "Hey Killua can I come in?" Shit it's Kurapika Killua though as he quickly threw the blade in his nightstand drawer and went to grab a hoodie before responding with "Ya hold on". Killua grabbed this first hoodie he saw and put it on before rushing over to unlock the door. He opened the door and let Kurapika into his room. When Kurapika entered though he was met with bloody bandages on the floor by Killua's nightstand. "Killua what the heck happened why are there bloody bandages on the floor" Kurapika asked Killua worried. Killua looked over to where he was talking about his eyes widening. He had to think of something quick before Kurapika became any more suspicious of him. "Oh those old things I found them when I was cleaning and I just haven't picked them up yet" Killua said nervously. He knew it wasn't the best lie but it was the quickest thing he could think of. Kurapika just looked at Killua not buying his answer one bit. "Killua I'm not stupid tell me the truth" Kurapika said a little annoyed and worried. "It's nothing ok just get out" Killua said starting to become defensive. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what those are from" Kurapika said ready to put up a fight. "Like I said it's nothing so just leave me alone and leave" Killua responded. Kurapika was getting more pissed by the second and was really starting to loose his cool but he needed to know what was wrong with Killua because even through he was getting frustrated he was still worried about Killua. "Listen Killua I get you don't want to tell me but this is serious if you're hurt you need to tell me so I can help you" Kurapika said trying to keep his tone calm. "I'm not hurt and it's none of your business so just leave me alone already" Killua yelled at Kurapika. Kurapika had lost his cool after that and yelled back "I'm trying to help you but I can see you don't care about that so why should I care about this right now". Kurapika left Killua's room and slammed the door on his way out storming off to his and Leoreo's room. When he entered their room he stormed over to Leoreo and sat down next to him. "What happened Kurapika you look pissed and you sounded pissed when I heard you yelling." Leoreo asked concerned. "Killua happened, he never wants any help even though we were all super worried about him. I saw something when I went to talk to him but he wouldn't tell me anything. When he opened the door and let me into his room I noticed there were bloody bandages on the floor of his room so I asked him about it because I was concerned and he tried to tell me that they were old and he found them cleaning. Of course I wasn't going to fall for his little lie so I told him that I wasn't stupid and I wanted the truth. He got all defensive though and wouldn't tell me and I was starting to lose my cool but I was really trying to be patient with him but I lost it when he yelled at me. Honestly the nerve he has yelling at me when I'm just trying to help him" Kurapika tells Leoreo a bit out of breath. "Well Killua has never been the type to tell anyone what's wrong but that is really worrying" Leoreo responded back. "Lets give him a little space because unfortunately we can't just force him to tell us but we can talk to him in the morning once hes cooled off a bit" Leoreo reasoned with Kurapika. Kurapika just sighed and nodded before getting into bed feeling bad he had lashed out at Killua and hoped he would forgive him in the morning. Killua stood there staring at the door Kurapika had just slammed. He could already feel the tears falling down his face as he began to sob. He knew that all Kurapika wanted to do was help and he hated himself for being so stubborn. He wished Kurapika would stop caring so much about him because it hurt how much he cared. Killua had never really had anyone in his life who actually cared about him but Leoreo, Gon, and Kurapika cared about him a lot. He felt bad for making them worry about him constantly but he felt really bad for yelling at Kurapika because he didn't deserve it after all he was only trying to help Killua. Killua laid down in his bed wrapping himself in his blankets and just sobbed. He was really sure how long he had been crying but the could barely keep his eyes open so he gave up and just let himself sleep.

Authors Note: Hi my lovelies thank you so much for reading this and getting this far it really means a lot to me. I know its been a little bit since I updated this and I'm sorry I just don't have the motivation to continue this half the time but I finally finished this chapter for you. Thank you so much for reading this and I'll see you in the next chapter. Byeeeeeeeeee