Why Am I Like This

I hate myself

"Killua why did I find this sitting on the bathroom counter" Kurapika says angry while holding Killua's bloody razor blade. Killua didn't say anything and just stared at Kurapika. He had been caught and had no idea how he was going to play it off because he knew that Kurapika wasn't dumb enough to believe whatever excuse he could quickly piece together. He was honestly starting to panic inside not knowing what he should do. Kurapika was getting more irritated by the second and it was starting to make Killua panic even more. He felt like he couldn't breathe as he tried to keep his composure as he was trying to prevent the oncoming panic attack. Kurapika seemed to notice that something wasn't right with Killua and walked over to him setting the blade on his dresser before asking if everything was alright. Killua just tensed up at the sudden question as he struggled to breathe tears threatening to fill his eyes and spill over. "I'm fine nothing to worry about" Killua said trying to sound as convincing as he could. "Killua I know something isn't right so you can just forget the act because it's not going to get you anywhere." Kurapika said trying to hide the frustration in his voice. Killua's heart was pounding and his hands were slightly shaking. His lung forgot how to work and his vision was blurring. He truly felt like he was dying. Killua shakily pulled himself into a fetal position as tears started to fill his eyes. Kurapika rushed over to Killua and put a hand on Killua's shoulder which made him jump. Killua just stared at Kurapika with fear. He needed to get away. Far away. RUN was all his brain was telling him to do but he couldn't. He was stuck. He couldn't breathe, couldn't move, and could barely think straight. Killua I'm going to need you to take deep breathes with me. In and out Kurapika was overly exaggerated so Killua could follow. Killua tried his best to follow what Kurapika was doing but he was failing miserably. Kurapika on the other hand didn't give up he kept doing it over and over until Killua was finally calmed down enough to breathe by himself. The 2 sat there in silence for a good 8 minutes giving Killua some time to recover before Kurapika asked him bout the bloody razor blade again. "Do you mind telling me why I found this on the bathroom counter" Kurapika said grabbing the razor blade from the dresser. "I left it in their" Killua practically mumbles. "Why did you have this in the bathroom with you?" Kurapika proceeds to ask him. "I was using it" Killua replies only for Kurapika to ask "What were you using it for". Killua tenses up and stays silent for a few seconds contemplating his answer. "I was using it to hurt myself" Killua whispers tears beginning to fill his eyes. "Why would you want to hurt yourself" Kurapika says concerned as he sits down next to Killua. "I deserve it" Killua responds with a shaky voice while trying to blink back his tears. Kurapika was a little annoyed that he had to keep asking Killua things and only getting a little sliver of an answer but he knew that unfortunately this was the only way he was able to get Killua to open up in the first place. "Why do you think you deserve it" Kurapika asks looking at Killua who is slightly shaking. "I.. hurt so many people... when I was an... assassin" Killua whispers tears falling down his face.  "Hey it's ok" Kurapika says as he pulls Killua in for a hug. Killua flinches at the sudden action but makes no effort to leave the hug. Instead he just sat there and sobbed into Kurapika's warm embrace. He had never had anyone who has ever comforted him let alone who didn't yell at him for being in such a weak state. This was new to him and he never wanted to leave. They stayed like this for a while until Killua had finally calmed down. "I know you think you deserve this but you really don't because your parents were making you kill those people and that was how you were raised so it isn't your fault at all that those things happened in the past but you have to remember that it was in the past and your not like that anymore" Kurapika explained to Killua.  "I know it was in the past but I still hurt those people and their family" Killua responded back. "Hey I know better than anyone that dwelling about the past does no good. Just yesterday it feels like I came home to my clan and I found them all dead with their eyes missing. You also saw what that did to me over the years. I overworked myself to the point I got sick and all I cared about was killing the Phantom Troupe and getting my clans eyes back. As you can see now I have put it all in the past and have started to allow myself to forgive myself for not being there. Even though it hurts I had to move forward and you have to move forward to Killua. I know it hurts you and your childhood wasn't all that great but if you just let yourself forgive yourself things will get easier and you will be able to move forward and move on." Kurapika replied to Killua. Killua didn't respond and just sat there not really knowing what to say. On one hand he knew Kurapika was right but on the other hand how could he forgive himself when he hurt tons of people. "How do I forgive myself" Killua asked Kurapika. "Well first you have to let yourself accept the fact that it happened but it wasn't your fault and then forgiving yourself will slowly happen over time." Kurapika explained to Killua. "I don't know if I can do that though" Killua said. "I know that you have a lot going on in your mind but you have to try because it's the only way for any of this to get better" Kurapika responded to Killua. "Ok I think I can try" Killua said sounding really unsure. "Thank you and let me know next time if something is bothering you ok" Kurapika said getting up and taking the razor blade with him. "I will" Killua replied back as Kurapika smiled at him before closing the door. Killua just sat there staring at the door after he left. He honestly couldn't believe what had just happened. He didn't know if he should be relieved to get that off his chest or not but it's weird that Kurapika knows all of that stuff now. He really wished Kurapika didn't know but he didn't seem mad that Killua was weak like his family would have. He sure as hell didn't know if he could even let himself forgive himself but he could try. "It wasn't my fault it was my family's fault. I was only acting on their orders and they are the ones to blame." Killua told himself out loud in a loud whisper. He sat there staring at the door for a while before he finally decided to get out of bed and go to the living room. When he got there he saw Leoreo passed out on one of the couches and Gon playing a video game on the other. Kurapika however was nowhere to be found. Killua didn't mind that though considering what had just happened he wanted to avoid Kurapika at all costs. He walked over to where Gon was and sat next to him silently watching him play the game. Only when Gon died did he realize that Killua was sitting next to him and screamed. "Killua you scared me how long have you been sitting there" Gon said loud and frightened. "I've been here for a while surprised you didn't notice me" Killua responded back. "Can you 2 keep it down I'm trying to sleep over here" Leoreo said throwing a pillow at them and rolling over. Gon and Killua both looked at each other and laughed loudly annoying Leoreo even more. "I said keep it down" Leoreo said throwing the other pillow at them while getting up and making his way over to his and Kurapika's room. Gon and Killua look at each other again and laugh even harder. Once they calmed down Gon grabbed a controller for Killua and asked "Do you want to play?" to which Killua responded "yes". Leoreo opened the door to his shared room with Kurapika and saw Kurapika laying on the bed hugging a pillow silently crying. "Hey what's wrong Pika" Leoreo asked as he made his way over to the bed and laid down next to him. "I had a conversation with Killua earlier because I found a razor blade on the counter. He uses it to hurt himself and he feels like he deserves it because of his upbringing and the things he has done in the past. I told him that it wasn't his fault he did those things and that it was his family's but he doesn't really believe me. I told him about what happened to me when I used to dwell in the past and explained to him that he even saw the side effects of what happened. I guess just hearing how hurt that child is and thinking about my dead clan after talking about it has me all emotional." Kurapika explains to Leoreo crying harder when he was done. Leoreo hugs Kurapika while he cries and tells him "I know it hurts to know that someone as young as Killua is going through all of this pain because the people who where supposed to protect him from it ended up being the ones who caused the pain and I know that it hurts you to think about your clan but just like you told Killua we can't dwell on the past. I'm glad you told me about Killua hurting himself because that's not a healthy escape for him and I'll have to talk to him about it and give him some healthier coping strategies" "No you can't tell him you know. He never opens up to anyone and he trusted me enough to tell me so if you told him you knew I think he would just shut down again and everything would just get worse" Kurapika replied really fast almost out of breath. "Ok ok I wont talk to him but something seriously needs to be done to make sure hes getting better. He needs a healthy way to let out his emotions." Leoreo tells Kurapika. "Well what do you suggest doctor" Kurapika responds a little sarcastically. "Maybe we should get him a journal since I know he would be 100% against the idea of seeing a therapist. Some hair ties to put around his wrists so when he gets the urge to hurt himself he can pull them back and flick them on his wrist." Leoreo says while rubbing Kurapika's back. "Ya that sounds good" Kurapika says yawning "You should take a nap" Leoreo tells Kurapika. "Maybe I will" Kurapika responds sarcastically drifting off into sleep. Leoreo snuggles against Kurapika and drifts off to sleep as well next to him. Back in the living room Gon and Killua were still playing the same game and Gon kept dying on the same level. "Gon follow what I do" Killua says as he shows Gon how to do the part he keeps dying on. "See easy now just do that. Wait no don't jump there. Uggggg Gon you died again." Killua groaned the last part. "Sorry Killua I'm just not good at this level" Gon says smiling. They both look at each other and start dying of laughter again. They played the level for hours until they were tired and decided to go to sleep. "Good night Killua" Gon said to Killua.  Good Night Gon" Killua replied back. Killua opened the door to his room walking over to his bed and getting nice and comfortable. He started to think about everything that happened that day. He honestly couldn't believe that Kurapika knew that he hurt himself and the fact that Kurapika knew made him want to hurt himself even more but he couldn't because Kurapika took the blade and if he got another one and Kurapika found out he was sure Kurapika would be really mad at him. He was honestly glad that Kurapika didn't know exactly everything just small bits and pieces so at least he still had some of his dignity left. Killua slowly drifted off to sleep as his thoughts consumed his mind.

Authors Note: Hello my lovies. Thank you so much for reading this far and for all the support. It really means a lot to me that ya'll are enjoying my fanfic. I can't believe it's almost been a month since I updated this but I'm hoping the wait was worth it. I'm really proud of how this chapter turned out and I think its the best chapter yet. Thank you so much for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter byeeee.