Why Am I Like This

Stop Worrying About Me

It was about 1 in the afternoon when Killua finally woke up which was pretty late for him. He had a surprisingly peaceful nights sleep and didn't have a single nightmare. He slowly sat up in bed wincing at the pain from his arm. He sighed as he remembered everything that had happened  last night and looked at the side of his bed to see he bloody bandages still on the floor. Killua stretched and yawned as he got out of bed and picked up the bloody bandages throwing them into the trash. He made his way over to his door and reached his hand out to the door nob before pausing and contemplating if he should even leave his room or not. Killua untimely decided that if he was fast enough he could make it to the bathroom without anyone noticing so he slowing opened the door and made his way to the bathroom silently shutting the door behind him. He honestly just wanted to avoid Kurapika for the rest of his life after last night and he was sure that Leoreo probably knows what happened to which just makes him want to avoid Leoreo as well. The only person he doesn't want to avoid is Gon since he's sure Gon's the only one who doesn't know about any of this. Killua sighed as he walked over to the shower and turned on the water. He undressed and looked at his arm. He honestly couldn't believe he had done that to himself but at the same time it didn't surprise him that he did that after all he deserved to feel the pain. Killua stepped in the shower and almost cried as he felt the burning hot water touch his arm. Saying it stung was an understatement it burned but he just held it there fighting back tears. He honestly felt like he deserved to feel this pain as well even though he knew that he could turn down the temperature of the water. He had his whole body standing under the water for about 10 minutes before he decided to start washing his hair and body. After Killua got out of the shower and had dried himself off he realized a problem. He forgot to grab a change of clothes before he went into the bathroom and all he had were the dirty ones he was wearing before he got into the shower. He didn't really want to risk walking out wrapped in a towel because then his arm would be visible and they might see his cuts but he also didn't want to put on his dirty cloths after he had showered. He stood there for a little contemplating if he should just risk it because the bathroom was pretty close to his room or if he should just throw on the dirty clothes to walk back to his room. He ultimately decided on putting on the dirty clothes not wanting something similar to last night to happen today as well. Killua made his way over to his room and closed the door behind him locking it quickly taking off the dirty clothes to out on clean ones. He really hated that he didn't feel as clean as he did when he got out of the shower just because he had worn the dirty cloths or a minute or two but it's not like he was going to go take another shower so he would just deal with it. Once he finished changing he made his way over to his bed getting under the covers all cozy and warm. He really hoped Kurapika didn't bother him today or tomorrow or any other day but just as he was thinking about that he heard a knock on his door. "Hey Killua is it ok if I come in, I really need to talk to you" Kurapika said on the other side of the door. Killua froze not really knowing what to say or do. He knew that Kurapika just wanted to talk about last night but he didn't want to talk about it. Should he say yes and let him in or should he tell him to go away. Either way he's sure Kurapika would just come back later if he told him to go away. "Killua?" Kurapika said knocking again. Shit what does he say. "Yeah you can come in" Killua says voice almost shaking. He was honestly scared for what was about to happen. Kurapika opened Killua's door and slowly came into the room closing the door behind him before walking over to Killua's bed. "I know you probably don't really want to talk about last night but I'm worried about you" Kurapika said to Killua. Killua honestly just froze because sure he didn't want to talk about it but at the same time he knew that Kurapika wasn't going to drop it so he honestly didn't know what to say to him. "If something is bothering you or if something happened Killua you can tell me and I'll help you" Kurapika said sounding worried. Killua just sat there staring at Kurapika not really sure what he should say. On one hand he felt like he could trust Kurapika but on the other hand he's never opened up to anyone about anything and he was scared to. He honestly just wished Kurapika would just forget about the whole thing and leave him alone but he knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon. "I don't want to talk about it" Killua said looking away from Kurapika. "That's ok if you don't want to talk about it right now and I'll always be here when you're ready. You just can't keep all of your emotions bottled up forever. I would know first hand that it's not good for you." Kurapika responded and after  making his way to the door and leaving. Killua just sat there and stared at the door for a while until he heard another knock. Shortly after the knock his door opened and Gon walked inside and over to Killua. "Want to watch a movie Killua?" Gon asked with a big smile plastered on his face. Killua just laughed and said "Sure Gon lets watch a movie." They both made their way to the living room and turned on the TV before making the long search for the perfect movie to watch. After they finally decided on one Killua then went to the kitchen to make some popcorn and Gon went to the hall closet to grab some blankets and pillows. Once they had everything they needed Killua turned off all the lights and they started the movie. Around 2 hours later they had finished the movie and it was around midnight. "Let's watch another one" Gon said with that same goofy smile. "Ok but you pick this time" Killua responded tossing the remote over to Gon. It didn't take Gon very long to find a movie in fact it only took him 3 minutes while it took Killua around 15 minutes. Another 2 hours quickly went by before that movie was finished as well and it was now around 2 am. That didn't stop Gon though because he then asked " Can we watch just one more pleaseeeeee". Killua rolled his eyes and shook his head yes letting Gon pick the movie again. Around half way through the movie Gon and Killua were out cold on the couch. Kurapika had gotten up at some point in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and walked out to Killua and Gon fast asleep on the couch and a movie playing in the background. He laughed a little before walking over to them looking for the remote and turning off the TV and walking over to the bathroom before he went back to bed. Soon it was morning and Killua was woken up by the smell of breakfast. Gon was already awake and in the kitchen helping Kurapika make breakfast and Leoreo was sitting on the other couch drinking a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper. "You're such an old man Leoreo who even reads the newspaper anymore" Killua said mocking Leoreo while laughing a little. "God morning Killua" Leoreo said looking up from the newspaper angrily. "Breakfast is ready" Gon practically yelled. Killua slowly got up and stretched before walking over to the table and sitting down next to Gon. Leoreo also got up and made his was to the table as well leaving the newspaper on the couch. Not long after Kurapika walked over to the table with a big plate full of pancakes, a plate full of eggs, a smaller bowl of fruit, and a bottle of syrup all being carried on a big tray. Kurapika then went back into the kitchen and grabbed 4 plates and 4 sets of silverware before returning to the table and handing them out to everyone. No one wasted any time grabbing food and putting it on their plates before stuffing their face with it. Especially Gon. He had just shoved an entire pancake in his mouth some of it sticking out. "Gon don't shove that much food in your mouth like that you'll choke and it's bad manners" Kurapika said glaring at Gon. Gon just nodded and kept shoving food in his mouth but in smaller portions so Kurapika didn't get mad at him again for shoving too much food in his mouth. Soon they had eaten everything and were stuffed. Kurapika got up and started  grabbing everyone's plate and taking them over to the sink. "Killua come over here and do these dishes for me" Kurapika said in a tone that gave Killua no room to argue. Killua got up and walked over to the sink before looking down at his hoodie sleeves. He couldn't really pull them up because then his cuts would be out but Kurapika got pretty mad at Killua last time he didn't pull up his sleeves while doing the dishes. Killua sighs and pulls them up as far as he can without his cuts showing. Luckily he left some room from his hand and where the first cut was so he was able to roll up his sleeves a little and it saves him from Kurapika questioning him about it again. Killua finished the dishes in about 30 minutes and while he was doing that Kurapika had wiped down the table, stove, and kitchen counters. Killua dried off his hands, rolled down his sleeves and walked over to his room. Once he was inside he grabbed a clean pair of clothes, his razor blade, and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. Once he was in the bathroom he locked the door behind him and turned on the water. Killua then took off his hoodie and stared at his arm. He didn't even really feel like he had a reason to cut himself at that moment but his brain was screaming at him too. He hadn't even had a nightmare last night either but everything in him was telling him to just cut himself. So he did. Over and over and over. Killua watched as he slid the blade across his arm and blood came out. He didn't make very many that time but it was enough to satisfy him for now as he finished undressing and got into the shower. Once Killua was done in the shower he got out and started to dry himself off before getting dressed and going back to his room. He didn't really think much of it at the time but he left something on the bathroom counter. Something that Kurapika ended up finding and storming off to Killua's room with. Kurapika didn't even knock he just threw Killua's door open which made Killua jump but he didn't have to much time to regain his cool because all the color in his face left when he saw Kurapika pull out his bloody razor blade.

Authors Note: Hi my lovelies! I really like where I'm going with this and I hope you guys like it as well. Thank you such much for reading this far and reading the authors note it really mean a lot to me. Thank you for all the support as well and being so patient with me and how long it takes me to finally sit down, write, and publish a chapter. Anyways I'll see you in the next chapter. Byeeee!! :0 :) ;)