Hyunjin centric one-shots

From afar

Hyunjin still couldn't believe it.
Once again he felt as if he didn't deserve a thing, his group had just broke another world record.

This was also reassuring, yet pressuring.
Now they had to work even harder to get even better. At least that's what Hyunjin's mindset told him it should be.

They were now into dance practice for maybe a little more than four hours and it didn't seem to end soon.
Some of them kept making the slightest mistakes, destroying the image of the group.

At first everyone was calm but soon you could feel the tension in the room and the heat growing between the members.

Chan was so physically tired because of the lack of sleep that he would mess up every other step, shouting at the others at the same time.
Jeongin and Felix had almost collapsed at least two times, stumbling.
While Jisung, Changbin and Minho were the only ones who's muscle memory actually worked, bickering with everyone else

As for Hyunjin... he did absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. He just stood there watching things from afar. He felt as if he wasn't even there anymore.
In a weird way he was still in that room but... he didn't feel like he was actually in there.

His heart was beating like crazy and he could have sworn he was watching himself standing there from a distance.
His limbs felt tingly and weird as if they weren't his and suddenly nothing seemed to make sense, as if he was trapped in a dream.
And maybe it was a dream, maybe all of this was not real at all. There were sounds around him and maybe some kind of loud music in the moment he was unable to recognise. Everything seemed muffled and he felt like a robot... not feeling at all.

"Hyunjin! You messed up again! Get a grip!"

"Of course. Yes, sorry."

"Hey, Minho don't shout, wait a minute. Hyunjin can you hear me? You seem zoned out?"

"Um what?"

"Are you here with me? Are you okay?"

"Felix?"

"Yes, that's me. What's wrong you seem distracted."

"Yeah, sorry. I am tired I guess."

"We all are Hyunjin. Just concentrate-"

"No, Minho. We are not in our best condition right now. None of us is. Practice is over for today, we don't have any schedule right now so we could just go home and relax."

"Okay Chan. You are right, I am sorry."

They were all starting to pack their things up, except for Hyunjin. He just stood there looking into nothingness. He didn't even blink. He only reacted once Chan gently placed his hand on his shoulder. And it was indeed not a great reaction.

"No! Get away. Don't touch me!"

"W- Hyunjin. It's me. Chan, are you okay? What's going on?"

"What? Oh, sorry Chan. I spaced out again. It won't happen again."

"I am worried about you Jinnie. You got so scared and startled when I touched you. Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah. I am just daydreaming. I apologize."

"There is no need to. Come one, I have your things. Let's go home so you can take a shower and sleep."

Getting back home Hyunjin immediately jumped into the shower. The warm water soothing his tensed muscles. He didn't remember much from dance practice, only his reaction to Chan touching his shoulder. He was still wondering about what happened and why was his reaction so dramatic. He couldn't pinpoint the reason behind him being startled after a gentle, caring touch on his shoulder, it's not like he has ever experienced anything traumatic.
Maybe he was scared to come back to reality that's why he begged for the hand to let him go.

Waking up the next day everything felt blurry and the next two... maybe even a week later. Hyunjin couldn't tell.
His head turned slowly towards the date written on the practice room's white board.

May 19th.

Maybe that's why his brain shut down.
Because of this day. But why did he have to gain consciousness today and not the day after. He would give everything to press skip for today too.

"Hyunjin, let's go we have to record your part for the song today."

"My what?"

"Our last song Hyunjin, for our upcoming comeback?"

"When?"

"You idiot, you wrote the lyrics how could you not remember?"

"I did?"

"Changbin. Let him go, get the others to the dorm. Hyunjin, follow me."

"But Chan-"

"I said, follow me."

"Okay..." Hyunjin whispered in a small voice.

Arriving at Chan's studio they were both sat in his comfy couch facing each other, Hyunjin trying to avoid eye contact.

"Hyunjin, look, I know there is something wrong and it would be really helpful for you to open up and right now I'm not asking you as your leader but I'm ordering you to open up... as your friend. "

Hyunjin knew he had to open up. He just had to, so he did.

He told Chan about his mum.
How she loved him, how she took care of him and helped him get through all of the difficult times when he was young.
How tasty her foods were. How his father was never present. How he had abandoned them. How he, Hyunjin abandoned his mum, just so he could become an idol and grand her wishes. How his mum saw that as betrayal. How his mum died. How she took her own life while they had one month off their schedule and they were sent home.
How he had found her. How he had planned the funeral. How he still woke up drenched in sweat from the vivid nightmares.
How he wished to never be like that and how he wanted to stop the pain and the guilt.

How everything seemed blurry and there were more memories of countless of days on his brain. How he felt needles on his skin and his limbs trembling. He explained that feeling of dread and fear and how he would feel disconnected from his body and everyone else around him.

And Chan listened to him. Quietly and carefully. He listened and hugged him.
He then said it was possible for Hyunjin to have been experiencing some type of dissociation. How he was there for him and how he would help him and in that moment Hyunjin knew that things would and could get better. Even after this.
He still had a place to find comfort in and that was enough.

Ivy:

Thank you for reading. I hope you like it. If you have any requests please let me know.