Assigned Partners

Chapter 6

Trigger warning: self harm & suicide/overdose mentions

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I'll admit, I spent almost my whole weekend sleeping or watching movies in my room. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and sleeping seemed like the best answer. I stuffed myself with chips, candy, soda, and pretty much any unhealthy thing I could get my hands on in the kitchen. It was worth it though. Unfortunately it went by too fast.

I didn't want to go to school today. I never really wanted to go, but today I was especially not looking forward to it. When I left for school, I didn't go straight there. I knew that I shouldn't have been ditching class, but being in the same class as the so called friends I made yesterday didn't seem appealing at all. I headed off to the coffee shop and got myself a medium sized coffee, and then made my way to school. I didn't go to class though. Instead, I found a shady spot under a tree and sat down in the grass.

If it were up to me, I would just drop out. It would make my life so much easier. My parents thought coming here would help, but it hasn't. I don't like it. I don't enjoy being here at all. At first I didn't mind, but I just hate having to see Austin all the time. He's just so atrocious. I feel my heart beat faster even when I just think about him. I expected to be an outcast here since that's all I've ever been. I didn't expect to have to deal with the same crap as before.

It's hard for me. I wake up every fucking day, just waiting for something bad to happen. I am so used to people hurting me that I expect it. I haven't been telling my parents about anything lately. They don't know about my sketchbook. They don't know that Austin has told me how pathetic I am. They don't know that the voices in my head that tell me that I should stop living are getting louder and louder.

When I tried to kill myself, the voices were so loud. They were the only things I could hear. I remember how I had dug so deep into my wrists, how I had swallowed so many pills. The voices told me that I had to, and I knew that I had to.

Austin makes the voices louder. And yesterday when the girls didn't do anything, I felt like the voices were screaming.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the bell ringing that signalled the end of class. I gulped down what I had left of my coffee before going to my locker. I started to take some books from my backpack to place them into my locker, when I felt a hand on each of my shoulders. I stopped and turned. Ally and Dinah stood there, both looking nervous.

"Lauren, can we talk to you?"

"No."

"Come on please? We were thinking about bailing our classes for the rest of the morning, come with us. We really want to talk to you about Friday. I feel awful, and I know Ally does do."

"I already skipped class earlier, I don't think I should again.."

"Lauren..."

"Fine! I'll bail with you. Where are we going?"

"Let's go by the park down the road," Ally suggested.

Dinah and I both nodded before quietly heading out of the school together. None of them said a word to me until we reached the park. I glanced toward the swing set, and I noticed that they were looking in that direction too. We picked up our paces and went to the swings. I sat on the one in between the two of them, and started to swing slowly.

"I'm sorry, Lo," Ally said.

"Yeah Lauser. I am too," Dinah agreed.

Ally sighed. "We should have said something when Austin was being such uh..uh..."

"A douchebag?" Dinah said, trying to help her friend find the right word.

"Why didn't you say anything then?" I asked, my lower lip quivering a little bit. I felt sad, and frustrated. I wanted to cry. "You had told me that I had friends now, and then when fuckface decided to come up and say that crap, you all just stood there!" I said, my voice cracking as tears flowed. I didn't feel like stopping them. "I should have known better than to expect that you would say something."