Anxiety - A Rhekker Story

only here for my gf

Chapter 9 (Ava's PoV)

I unlock the door to the shared apartment and toss the keys in the bowl on the counter. I take a deep, shakey, breath, as I try to lay out my options. Out of nowhere, Connor comes out of our bedroom and can see me stressing. "Hey baby, how are you feeling?" I take another deep breath as I feel tears prick in my eyes.

"I don't know Connor. Everything is just so shit at the moment and I want to give everything up y'know? It's so difficult keeping up with everything and I don't see it ever getting better no matter what." I begin to sob as I speak, and Connor pulls me into a tight hug.

"Ava, I can't speak for this because I've never been through it, so I can't say whether it gets better or not because I genuinely don't know hunny but trust me, we'll get through it together no matter what happens. I love you so much, bub, we're in this together I promise. You also have Nat, Will, Crockett, Ms. Goodwin, Maggie, Dr. Charles, pretty much everyone on your side here and supporting you. You'll never have to be alone with this." Connor says, "baby I love you so much, you won't ever understand, but trust me." I break away from Connor to look up at him.

"I love you too." We go and lay down and I quickly fall asleep to exhaustion.

I wake up and go into the kitchen to a note from Connor, 'Gone to work, fruit salad is in the fridge. Enjoy your day off, I love you xx' and I smile. I get out my phone and send him a text, 'Got your note, ily2' and turn off my phone. I walk to the fridge and get out the fruit salad. I look at it and it contains strawberries, grapes, watermelon, orange, and kiwi fruit. I take the colourful mix of food to mine and Connor's shared bedroom and pull the journal hidden from under my drawer. I flip to a new page, mark the date and start filling it in;

Strawberries – 33 cals

Grapes – 67 cals

Watermelon – 30 cals

Orange – 47 cals

Kiwi fruit – 61 cals

Total – 238 cals

I close the journal and with the idea of so many calories at once I decide to only eat half and eat the other half as lunch later on.

I watch the clock frequently waiting for Connor to come home from his night shift. My eyes keep averting back to the bathroom, my mind on the blade sitting in there. I know where my hidden one is and that Connor wouldn't find. 'One cut won't hurt, right?' I walk towards the direction of the bathroom, and I pull the blade out of hiding. I pull my pants down to my knees and slide the sharp, shiny object across my leg. My breathing begins to quicken, and I keep going. One, two, three more cuts. The realisation of what I've done suddenly hits and I quickly throw the blade across the room and absentmindedly listen as the small object hits the tiled floor. I feel my heartbeat rapidly and it feels as if my chest is constricting. I'm in too much of a panicked state to hear the front door open and close.

"Avey!" Fuck, Connor's home, "Aves? Are you in there?" He knocks at the bedroom door.

"Don't come in!" I manage to whimper out. "Please don't."

"Ava I need to come in." The door opens. "Ava." He looks at me speechless.

"Connor I'm so sorry I had to! I couldn't hold myself I didn't mean for it to go this far!"

"Oh Aves, it's okay." I notice he's grabbing towels and quickly applying pressure to my thigh. He holds me as sobs start to rack through my body. I begin to feel faint and my body goes limp, with Connor catching me on my way down. "Ava! Are you okay?" He sounds frantic.

"I- I don't know.