Anxiety - A Rhekker Story

You look like yourself, but you're somebody else

Trigger Warning: Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Depression(?), SELF HARM so if that's not your cup of tea, skip to the next chapter, or leave this story now because there will be more.

Title from: You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash

(Connor's P.O.V)

I'm peacefully sleeping when I wake up to a shatter coming from the kitchen. I look at my alarm clock and notice that its 2:32 am, so I decide to get up and investigate what Ava is up to. I sleepily walk into the kitchen and notice the glass all over the floor and I see Ava on the couch crying. I suddenly wake up from my daze and walk over to Ava, trying to avoid the glass. I sit myself down next to her and pull her into a cuddle. "I'm sorry, Connor. I didn't mean to! I couldn't sleep so I tried to get a glass of water but... but... I smashed the glass," Ava cries.

"Avey, it's okay. Accidents happen," I say as I try to console her. I look down to her hands and notice that she's holding a cut on her arm, "Ava sweetie, we need to clean that up." Ava looks down at the cut and nods her head.

I gently lift her up and direct her to the bathroom. I turn on the water and wet a hand towel and apply it to Ava's cut. "Avey, how did this happen? You're usually so careful," I sympathetically say to her.

Ava shrugs her shoulders and after a while, she begins to speak, "it slipped out of my hand, and then I slipped on the water on the ground when I tried cleaning it up." I nod my head and lift up the towel to see if the cut had stopped bleeding, but when I lift up the towel, I see scars, lots of them. Some old ones, some new ones. I start tracing over them, ignoring the open-cut that I'm treating, and I look up into Ava's eyes and I spot that she's also looking, but she's crying again. I pull her into my chest and listen to her cry while I rub her back.

After about half an hour, I speak up, "Avey?" I question. Ava looks up at me with the saddest eyes, which are still watering, "why?" I try not to overstep while asking this, I just want answers.

Ava takes a deep breath and looks back down, "it started so many years ago when I was still in South Africa. I was having a really bad time at home with my family and that's when it started. No one at home ever noticed, so when I came here, I was so alone and in such a dark place, I kept doing it. When I met you, Connor, I felt like I could breathe again, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I stopped for ages, but one day, quite recently, I got a phone call from my mom. She was asking me to come back home, and I said no. She yelled at me, telling me how much of a disappointment I was and how she never wanted to see me again. I fell back into that dark place and started cutting again. I don't know how to stop Connor!"

Ava starts crying and I wipe away my tears and pull her back into my chest. "Avey, I'm so sorry that I didn't notice sooner!"

Ava shakes her head and looks at me dead in the eye, "Connor, it wasn't your job to notice. Anyways, I should be the one who's sorry for not telling you. It's just really hard to talk about."

I nod my head in understanding and then open my mouth to speak, "if you want, we can go and get you the help you need. Only if you want to though. I'm not going to force you into anything," I tell Ava in concern. Ava doesn't do anything but nod her head, but that's enough to know that she wants help. "Okay Avey, We'll go see who Dr. Charles suggests tomorrow, okay?" Again, Ava nods her head and gets up to go back to bed. I follow Ava and lay down next to her.

Instead of going to sleep, I begin thinking. 'Avey is just like me. Lost, scared and trying to find her way through life.' I plug my earphones into Ava's phone and listen to one of her playlists. It's not uncommon, I do it all the time when I can't sleep, but when I put the playlist on shuffle, the first song that plays is You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash. I quickly start crying from the lyrics but not for me, for Ava. The lyrics relate to her so well. I begin crying for Ava because I just want her to be happy. I don't want her to be hurting. She doesn't deserve that pain, all she deserves is happiness. I look over to hair and just run my fingers through her hair while I slowly fall asleep. Eventually, I fall into a peaceful sleep while holding onto Ava and crying silently.