Change of Heart [a Damian Priest story]

5 How are you feeling?

Blair POV

After parking the car I got out and then took the flowers from the back seat before heading inside. Carnations in pink, her favorite. Hopefully this could cheer her up a bit. Even though I had my doubts about that.

At least they would help mask the nasty smell. For me, that smell would always evoke horrible memories. Probably for the rest of my life.

"Hi, Alice. How are you?" I said when I saw which nurse was sitting at the registration desk today.

"Oh hello, Miss McLeod. I'm doing just fine. You're early today." she replied.

"Yeah, I thought I'd surprise her. How is she doing? Anything new?" I asked as she walked me to the room.

"No, not better, but not much worse. She had a rough night, but she's still in a good spirits. Victoria? Look who's here!" replied Alice before opening the door for me.

Mom opened her eyes and looked up tiredly. But when her eyes caught me, she began to smile. I knew it cost her a lot of strength. However, as always, she was too proud and stubborn to let on how bad she felt or how much pain she was in.

"Hi my baby!" she croaked weakly as she tried to sit up.

"Hi, mom. Stay lying down. How are you feeling?" I replied, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

Then I placed the flowers in the vase that was already prepared. The nurses knew that I always brought her fresh ones. 

"How are you supposed to feel when you die, honey. It happens too fast and too slow at the same time. Don't worry about it. I'll be done soon." she explained to me.

"You shouldn't keep saying that. I'm not ready to lose you, Mom." I replied as the first tears were already forming in my eyes.

I reached for her hand to hold it. As always, I was surprised how thin she had become and how cold she was.

Mom had been suffering from lung cancer for 2 1/2 years. In the beginning she was getting better and responding well to treatment. However, that didn't last long. On the contrary. With each radiation and each chemo it seemed to get worse. Now it had come to the point that the doctors could do nothing more except treat her pain. They made her as comfortable as possible for as long as they could. I mean, how was this all possible? She was only 70 years old. She had me when she was the age I am now.

"I know, Blair. And believe me... I don't want to leave you alone.... but I don't have much time left." she said in a weak voice before she started coughing violently again.

She didn't want to show how much she was suffering, but I knew it anyway. Because I was suffering with her.

"But let's not talk about it. How are you, my darling. I hope you've changed your mind about your ridiculous plan." she continued speaking after clearing her throat.

"No, actually I haven't. It's just taking a little longer than I expected. Plus, I have to cover for one of the photographers at RAW for the next 4 to 6 weeks. That means I'll be on the road more than usual," I replied.

"It's a stupid idea. You'll regret this one day, my child." she said while trying to look stern.

"Mom, you know as well as I do that it's not bad growing up without a father. You raised me without help and I turned out fine didn't I?" I replied.

"You did. Still, that doesn't mean it was easy. And I want so much more for you. I want you to have what I didn't have." she breathed.

"I tried. And guess what... it wasn't meant to be. Now I'm just going my own way." I said.

"Stubborn as ever." retorted Mom.

"I learned from the best." I said as I gently and carefully squeezed her hand.

"Oh no. You can't blame me for that. But now tell me... Have you seen Damian?" she wanted to know.

"I have and I don't want to talk about it. You should rest," I replied.

I looked the other way because I knew Mom was looking at me inquiringly. She probably knew too well, as always, that there was something I didn't want to tell her. To be honest, there was nothing I could tell her either. I was confused enough myself. Besides, I didn't want to upset her. She had always liked Damian very much and had been terribly upset about the breakup.

The last thing I wanted was for her to get upset again. My inner chaos was hard enough to bear as it was. And the truth was that that damn kiss, whatever it meant, had brought all my deeply buried feelings back to the surface. 

Part of me wanted to hate Damian for doing this to me, but I just couldn't do it. Because the truth was, I had never stopped loving him.