checkmate , s.reid

013 » THE KINDNESS

Resting my head in my hands, gripping tightly onto my hair, I squeeze my eyes shut against my palms. My vision floods with phosphenes; I watch them dance across the darkness in a desperate attempt to calm myself down. Eventually, my erratic breathing slows to a calmer, more regular pace, and I pull my hands away from my face. My hair sticks to the slight sweat on my palms.

Sighing, I pull myself to my feet with a soft groan. As I flick on the light switch, the dim lightbulb overhead buzzes to life and I head towards the kitchen sink to wash my hands. I run my hands under the cold water, letting them simply soak for just a moment. I scrub off the sweat and turn off the tap. Too tired to do anything else, but too jittery to sleep, I collapse down onto my couch and switch on the TV. My mind goes blank as I stare at the screen, unable to think properly or process what is going on. I just... stare.

Soon enough, my eyes begin to feel heavy as my exhaustion overtakes my body, and I feel myself drift off into sleep. Although, it's not a peaceful sleep. It's quite the opposite. I find myself writhing around on the sofa, sweat coating my skin, as my dreams are plagued with loud nightmares.

When I finally jolt awake, much to my relief, my hair is a mess, sticking to my forehead and neck from sweat. My breathing is far from normal; it's quick and shallow.

I glance around. My apartment is still dark: it must be early. I grab my phone from where I tossed it last night, switching on the screen. A low battery symbol flashes across the black background, the brightness of it stinging my eyes. I wince slightly, squinting and turning off the screen. Grabbing the charger, I plug it into my phone and let it rest on the arm of the sofa to charge. I slump further into the cushions, hugging my arms tightly around myself as I feel the cloudiness settle into my mind. It's a familiar feeling, something that often pairs anxiety or depression when I fall back into those mindsets. It helps me to stop thinking. It's almost as if, in these moments, I'm not real, I'm just a thought hiding within my own mind, buried inside my subconscious.

A few minutes pass of sitting completely still, listening to the soft ticking of my clock as each second passes. Slowly, I pull myself up into a sotting position and push myself off the sofa. As I stand up, bright colours obscure my vision and I stumble backwards slightly, gripping on to the arm of the sofa until my vision clears and I can stand properly. I head into my bedroom to find my gym bag and clothes; working out usually distracts my mind. I change into a pair of grey sweatpants and a black T-shirt, before pulling my gym bag out from under my bed. After packing everything I need into it, I head to the kitchen to make myself a bowl of cereal before I leave.

—

Thankfully, the journey to my car is all fine and normal. I guess I was just out of it yesterday. I change the CD over to In Rainbows and start up the car, placing my bag on the passenger seat. As I start to pull out of the parking space, I realise I forgot my phone. Murmuring a few scolding words to myself, I stop the car and hurry inside, making sure the car is locked. It might not be likely that anyone would break in, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I head up to my apartment to grab my phone. On the way back down, a tap on my arm makes me jump slightly and my muscles tense. Quickly whipping around, I let out a sigh of relief when I see Jackson standing there, rather than a mass murderer out to kill me.

"Jackson, hey," I say, allowing my body to relax. "You scared me."

"Sorry about that," he responds, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. "Where are you off to so early on a Sunday morning?"

He smiles a wide smile, one that shows his gums and his slightly crooked teeth. I don't think I've ever seen a smile more enchanting. I almost forget to respond, utterly lost in his captivating gaze.