08 | moving too quickly

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"So, uh, the gas is on the right and the brake is on the left

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"So, uh, the gas is on the right and the brake is on the left. Please don't step on the gas or else we're fucked," Carwyn said, his words only adding to my mounting anxiety as I tried to steady myself in the driver's seat.

"Kang," he sighed, a hint of concern in his voice. "If you're not ready, it's alright. You've been shaking for like the last few minutes."

"Shaking? Me?" I shuddered involuntarily, unable to deny the truth. Carwyn raised an eyebrow, seeing right through my feeble attempt at composure. "I'm not shaking! I'm fine! Really, really fine."

"You're nervous, aren't you?"

"Who said I'm nervous?"

"You're fucking vibrating right now. You're basically subliming in your seat," Carwyn jutted his chin toward me. I wanted to argue, to deny the overwhelming apprehension coursing through my veins, but...

"...Don't tell me you're cold either because the heater's on too," Carwyn continued, reading me like an open book. "We can always try again when you're ready."

"I'm ready," I said, attempting to convince myself more than him. I took a deep breath, trying to regain control over my racing heart. Damn, I was sweating. Not the gross kind of sweating I experienced when I got sick, but the cold, clammy kind that sent shivers down my spine.

I had no idea why I was falling apart like this. It was just driving. In an empty parking lot. With no one around in the middle of the day. The perfect opportunity to practice, and Sae wasn't here, scolding me for being reckless or careless.

But there I was, wasting my chance, wasting time as if it were an infinite resource. Time was a privilege, and I wasn't foolish or self-centered enough to ignore its value.

Don't get me wrong, though. Usually, I wouldn't mind if my time was spent confined within four gray walls, undergoing countless tests and procedures. But now, I had escaped that environment, if only temporarily. I was out in the open, experiencing a slice of life I wouldn't otherwise have the chance to enjoy.

I had too much pride to ever admit that to Carwyn. Anyway, that was beside the point.

The point was that I had a shot at being normal again. But the moment it was finally within reach, I was fucking it up.

Of course, I was.

"Jason, come on now," Carwyn's voice reached out to me, pulling me out of the mess in my mind for a brief moment.

"Seriously, if you don't—."

"—You just don't understand!" I blurted out, and as the realization settled in like a punch to the gut, my eyes shot open. Fuck.

"Do you want to talk this out?" Carwyn eventually asked, his tone devoid of any teasing this time around.

"No? I-I— no. That's stupid," I tensed, my shoulders hunching together. "That's just... dumb."

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