Papi

13

The sky was blue and drowned with few clouds but it was windy and the sun out was  going against the fact it wasn't blazing down on them , the waves of the ocean water rolled over and crashed against the shore and thhe sand was grandy and more rocky than smooth beneath him , but it was fine , it was bareable and it was nice , with Oscar beside him and the smoke of the drugs filling his lungs , it was almost brotherly bonding , for the few hours with one another with their feet in the sand and reminiscing over old memories , all his hopes of having his brother back , having their old relationship and it back to how is once was diminished when he was reminded of everything , of latrell , of the gun incident, of his position in the gang and how little he does , and how he's supposed to resolve their latrell problem by being rid of latrell , now he was on the verge of a anxiety attack or something because he was pretty sure he forgot how to breathe the moment he realised what was going on and why , and that everything between him and Oscar for the past few hours was probably fake , or a way to manipulate him, surely, right

And for Oscar ,the problem of handing a gun to a younger brother and sending him off to kill someone was the fact it was his little brother , the boy he raised and also the fact his best friend was dating said little brother , which is why he'd leave ceaser to tell Carlos or to tell him after the job is done , it's always better to ask for forgiveness than asking for permission, or at least that's what Oscar was thinking when he drove to the side of the rode , passing a gun to his 16year old brother and watched him take it with shaky hands but he held a mask over his fear, or whatever he was feeling , he couldn't even read ceasers expression no more , and he didn't know if it were for better or for the worse

......................

His hands shook , his finger on the trigger trembling and latrells fear stricken face kept flashing in his mind . The loud buzz and white noise after he shot and the way they covered it up , covered up the things he was supposed to do but couldn't , cause he couldn't do it . It was colder , and he was shivering rather than warm on the 20 minute walk to Carlos's that morning , and he couldn't tell if it were actually cold or if his head just felt bare , or maybe the tear stains on his cheeks were cold and were freezing his face , he knew he was paler than usual , and it was the sick feeling in his stomach , he felt trapped , and that's because he was , he no longer had an out , out of the gang and he didn't know why he still had hope but it was there , those mixed and childish dreams of planning his life away from criminals and gangs was stupid , he was never going to go to UCLA , or get the job he wanted , jamal was never going to find roller world and buy him out , monse was never gonna get over her stupid crush and ruby will never looking at him with out that edge of jelousy or envy despite being the smartest person that walked into every room , and he doesn't know why he feels so disappointed , so lost and small , so helpless to navigate his own life .

His curly black hair that swayed to the side and got messy from running his hands through it too many times , the curls carlos ran his fingers through and the locks that was braided for that short period old time in the summer , it was all gone , the hair and the fond but distant memories felt like they were ripped away when his head was shaved , he felt bare and vulnerable , it sounded stupid and dumb but it's not just the hair , it's the reasoning and the significance behind why it's gone and what was taken and left with it , he was a santos , higher up in the gang and it showed what he'd done , or what they think he'd done , and he felt empty and numb but could only want one thing now , he only thought one thing and he knew he didn't have to have such a hard time or great loss to speak or look at carlos , carlos was all he'd ever want and he knew he was in a gang , the leader of one and best friends with his brother , but all his hope left was with carlos , any dreams or wants with him we're all he could think he'd have left , and the fact Olivia's quincae was today was in the back of his mind . only carlos , and he practically fell into his arms when he opened the door to his place , and carlos wrapped his arms around him with a confused frown , cradling him to his chest and his frown only deepened when he ran a hand over ceases newly shaven head , he wasn't bald but he no longer had hair , and a buzz cut felt odd on him , but it was also too shoot to be a buzz cut  , it was down to his scalp and Carlos could barely feel his fair there , maybe because it just happened only an hour ago , but ceaser can't help but think he's never going to get used to it , he already hated it and felt sick to his stomach every time he remembered his new look and carlos tightens his grip once he calculated his hair cut in his mind , the meaning behind it when it came to being a santos
" I'm going to kill your brother , what was he thinking , your just a kid , your not ready for this shit ", carlos spits out , running a hand through his own hair , and ceaser can't help but feel jealous , and stops carlos before he can start to pace , reaching up to tangle his fingers in the olders hair and a tear falls down his cheek along with a whimpered noise from his lips , and Carlos's face breaks down
" aww , baby , come'ere ", and he's pulled into Carlos's arms , his fingers still tangled in his hair and his arms bending funnily , sniffing as he continued to look at Carlos's hair brokenly , tugging at it with a small tremor in his lip and carlos pulls a face at the sensation but doesn't comment on it , only pulling him in the house and closing the door by foot , basically waddling them towards his room
"Shh , shh , Silencio querido está bien, está bien, te tengo", Carlos kisses the top of his head as he shushes him gently , swaying them slightly from side to side and cradling ceasers shaven head to him softly , and a brown noise leaves ceasers lips , hands tightening in Carlos's hair , but he doesn't say anything , but his face does , twisting slightly as his eyes fluttered for a moment , then sighing under his breathe and continues to mutter reassuring things in Spanish and calming words that soothed ceaser , making him go lax in his arms , barely using his legs to stand and using him completely. But his hands were still tight and tangled in his dark waves of messy hair , making Carlos's mind blank and drift every time their was a tug or grip tightening in his locks , I guess it's what he got , it was his bad luck to be thinking the wrong things at the wrong time . Ceaser was distraught and tired and going through things that no 16 year old broken boy should , and his screwed up mind was flashing images and scenes of pleasurable and sexual events he shouldn't be thinking about in these moments .

Ceaser was now half asleep in his lap , his hands ringed tightly in his hair and his head tucked into Carlos's neck with a hoodie too big for his teenage body to bare without it hanging loosely on his smaller limps as he fell in and out of consciousness. The fourth time his eyes fluttered back open tiredly with a yawn escaping his lips , he moved , situating his legs to only be sat on one of Carlos's legs instead of being wrapped around him , and blinks up at carlos with a pouted lips as another half yawn breaks through
" your poking me ", ceaser mumbled in a sleepy slurr , voice deeper and a tad bit groggy from lack of speech, and he was definitely not aware enough or had half the brain to overthink or blush , he didn't have the energy to do so and his mind was foggy , all he did know is that he had just woken up for the 5th to 9th time with his head in Carlos's collarbone only to notice he was hardening beneath him, and his hands unconsciously tighten in his hair , his lips parting when Carlos's eyes flutter for a moment with a pleading expression floating on his face before he attempts to blink it away , then he looks down to ceaser , sighing under his breathe strained once he saw ceasers eyes widening with parted lips , but still dazed over tiredly
" sorry baby , just ignore it", Carlos gives him a small soft smile , even though it looked a bit strained it was still genuine and he leaned down to place a light kiss on ceasers shaven head , a chill going down his spine , not used to the cold or the sensation , and it also reminded him of his lack of hair
" why tho , your getting hard , I can feel it ", ceaser blinks up at him with confusion ,and Carlos bit his lip , kissing ceasers nose as he looked down at him , god , those deep brown eyes of his were going to kill him one day , they were dark brown and almost black in most lights , but up close Carlos could see the flecks of honey and gold , the deep brown that reminded him of the forest and mud , it was warm and nice , ceasers eyes seemed to always be soft and showcase any emotion , and he was always looking at him , he always had to take a moment , look at ceaser and internally smile that he was his , this beautiful and sensitive boy with a heart of glass was his , he was most certainly trying to kill him
" I know , amor , your sat on me , I don't think there's a way you'd not feel it ", he chuckles with a smile and ceasers face scrunches up adorable , his ears tinting in a deep red
" shut up ", ceaser huffs , and Carlos grins at him , a cheekiness to his smile ceaser rarely sees and it makes a small smile unconsciously falling on his lips, but Carlos only jerks his hips upwards along with nudging his thigh up that ceaser was sat on , and he falls higher up his leg , letting out an embarrassing squeak like noise when he made full contact with Carlos's hardening member , his own twitching to life at the feeling and his face flushes in a deep red as he blinked rapidly , shit