Destruction ━ Bucky Barnes [2]

v. THE BEFORE

DESTRUCTION.
( the before. )

▹

❛ you have my heart, in
this life and the next. ❜

Edited 12/26/2015 @5:23 PM
Edited 07/08/2016 @3:33 AM
Edited 12/01/2017 @1:04 AM
Edited 05/13/2022 @6:03 AM

Andrea stared at the cup of coffee in her hands, unaware of what to think or even feel as the moments passed. She often wondered how it had come to this; staring blankly at inanimate objects and avoiding calls from her friends.

  To put it simply, she couldn't stand the thought of being around everyone and pretending everything was okay— that she was okay.

The truth was; Andrea was a mess. After everything that had happened, how could she not be? Her nights were plagued with constant nightmares while her days were plagued with thoughts of him.

  The Jones woman hadn't seen Bucky since their fight on the heli-carrier. The day both S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA fell.

To say that Andrea's life had changed since then would be an understatement. With the world now discovering who she really was, Andy was facing condemnation in both the media and real life.

  As if I don't hate myself enough, she thought to herself.

  A bitter smile twisted on her lips as she recalled all the articles and comments. The endless criticism of S.H.I.E.L.D. for giving the status of Avenger to a formerly-brainwashed HYDRA agent. The media hadn't been wrong in saying she was a monster for all the things she'd done.

  But, Andy had already figured that out, long before they could brand her with the title.

However, the thing she couldn't understand was; why did everyone want her to apologize for who she'd been forced to become? The world had never apologized for making her this way. Nobody had been there to rub her back each and every time her memory was wiped. Nobody was there to soothe her cries of agony while she was being tortured.

So, why should she try to comfort anyone for the things she'd been forced to do? It wasn't as if she asked to be made into a weapon. It wasn't as if she wanted to become a puppet— something less than human. A monster.

  Andrea had never wanted any of it.

The brunette took a deep breath and closed her eyes, feeling her grip tighten on her cup. It was moments like this, when her heart felt like it was going to implode in pain, that she felt at her weakest. With the weight of guilt resting on her shoulders, Andy could hardly bear it.

How could she find the will to continue being who she was? After all the blood that had been spilled at her hands? How could she live with herself, knowing that her life had come at the expense of others?

  Sanity and sense seemed to swing on a pendulum of confusion. Andrea wasn't sure if the world's judgement left her detached, or if it was breaking her whole...

  It was a precarious situation.

  At this point, the only silver lining seemed to be the endless support of her friends— and Bucky.

  It always seemed to come back to Bucky.

It plagued Andy to know what he was going through. With her own memories resurfacing, Andrea knew firsthand what it was like to wake up, drenched in sweat and screaming. To feel sick to your stomach by the memories.

  What made it worse were the nights when she missed her hollow mind. The days of knowing something was missing, with only S.H.I.E.L.D. as her anchor. When she knew nothing of Steve, or a life before her false one.

  Andy always felt guilty afterwards— and it was why she knew she had to stay sane. So, when the time came, she could be there for Bucky.

  In the same way that Steve had been there for her.

Andy looked up from her cup. The stillness of her apartment was broken by the ringing of her house-phone. She might have been surprised too, if it weren't for the fact that Steve always called in the evening.

  In fact, he called every morning too.

  Andy rose from her seat, but upon reaching the phone, she paused. Her brow furrowed at the unknown number lighting up the screen. She quickly hit decline, figuring it was a call to the wrong number.

However, before the Jones woman could connect the device back to its charger, the phone began ringing once more.

Andy paused this time, hesitant on whether or not she should answer. She was suspicious now, and painstakingly aware of the possibility that HYDRA would try to contact her. The thought alone was jarring.

As the moments passed and the ringing continued, the decision came to her quickly. Whoever it was, she refused to give them the satisfaction of her fear. Hitting accept, she answered the phone, lifting it to her ear and feeling her heartbeat fasten with the choice.

"Hello?" She spoke the greeting like a question, trying to keep her voice steady. Though, Andy could hear a tremble in her words— and she hated herself for it. Why fear something that could no longer hurt her?

  Except that wasn't true.

  The Jones woman tried to still her heart. In the silence, seconds turned to minutes. Andrea could feel her patience thinning. Temper flaring, Andy found herself opening her mouth to curse at the caller.

Then, a voice spoke, and all her anger seemed to dissipate.

  "Andy?" It was spoken quietly, with a voice rough from lack of use.

Andy inhaled sharply, holding the breath tightly against her lungs. She could feel her body tremble with recognition; pained and blissful. She would know that voice anywhere.

"Bucky?" Andy could hear the hesitancy in her voice. As if she didn't want to believe that it was really him─ and maybe there was a part of her that didn't.

  Since the day she'd woken from the fight on the heli-carrier, Andy had tried so hard to build up the walls around her. A necessary precaution to keep the pain at bay.

But, as the sound of the dial tone was heard, Andy found that she was reduced to something small and unbearably vulnerable.

In that moment, everything she'd been trying so hard to hold back seemed to tear right through her. Her eyes stung with freshly-formed tears as the ache in her chest intensified. Falling to her knees, the brunette wrapped her arms around herself as she choked back sobs.

For as much as Andy wanted to be strong, it seemed that she couldn't even manage that.