The Missing Part Of Me

THREE

After a very long day at work I finally made it back home, ALIVE. Thanks to Mason who dropped me off otherwise it would have taken me longer to get back here.

"That's why you need your fucking driving license" - I said pointing at myself infront of the wall mirror.
I looked over the unmade bed and pile of dirty clothes around the room. I guess it was time to clean this house before rats become my hommies.
I needed some me time. Time to meditate on-
-What the heck am I doing with my life?
Damn, I need to learn how to think without saying it out loud.

I feel confused about everything that is happening around me, nothing makes any sense and the WORST, is finding myself in a position that I don't know what is right and what's wrong anymore.
I closed my eyes, now focused on my breathing and thoughts.
"I can't fall in love, it's scary and uncontrollable and I am terrified of the thing I can't control. Wait, why am I thinking about this? Out of all my shitty problems, REAL problems, I think of love? If it wasn't for him-"
I opened my eyes, scared of my heartbeats in those moments. I stood up in a rush to go in front of the mirror. I don't know why but my motivational speeches are better there.
"You can do this Essmay, you are a warrior...well a wounded warrior but it doesn't matter, still a warrior and you won't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself anymore! Oh and, you're sexy af *winks*"

After all this spiritual training or whatever it's called it was time for some popcorns, my puffy blanket, my fav pillow and netflix. It takes a lot of time and effort to search for the right movie. It's a different kind of suffering.
"The best of me" was the movie I picked, it was a suggestion actually. Mason has a similar movie and book taste with me so that's a plus in out friendship.
I sighed in relief of todays struggles and pressed play it was still afternoon time soo I had enough time to waste. As soon as I started the movie, the phone rang.
Yes it was Mason, yes I was going to ignore it cuz he was probably trying to give me extra tea.
"God he is annoying sometimes"- i said with my mouth full. The phone rang again.
"This better be an emergency or it will be a tragedy"-I heard him chuckle over the phone.

He was in a bad mood and apparently a little walk would work for him. I invited him for a walk down the beach, it was near my house and we could meet at the parking lot since my travel transport is my own legs. Got up from my comfy couch, unlucky me couldn't even start the movie put some trousers and hoodie on and walked out of my house.
The beach was one of my favourite places to spend the afternoon since I was in high school. Everytime I had a problem or bad day, I'd run to my best spot, "Essmays Beach".
Mason arrived after 5 minutes and i could see he wasn't disapoointed from the view.
Memories came back as soon as we sat down on the bench facing the quiet, smooth beautiful waves of the sea.

~Kiara, Lai and I went there after the first day of school. We bought our favourite sweets and started walking our way to the beach.
"Why didn't we invite the new boy, it would have been fun"- Kiara said with a smile in her face.
I can tell this boy is trouble.
"Well me and esmay aren't that interested in knowing him sooo"-
"Good luck with him tho"- I said interrupting Lai before she spills anything offensive from her big fat mouth.
She looked at me as if I was supporting the girl and I was committing a sin or something but actually I wasn't.
"Okay it sounds stupid but I really want to get to know him, the way we had a little eye contact moment with each other, I felt a connection"
I couldn't process this information into my brain cells without letting out my ugly laugh.

Mason told me that he was using an app to date people and that was the dumbest shit he ever done.
"Is it that hard to find someone in real life to go on a date with"- I asked
"It is actually. Just look at yourself, God knows when was your last time you dated someone"
"Ouch, that was a bit harsh don't you think mason?
"Well girl I know you loved, you had feelings but don't you think is time for you to meet someone new and forget about your past"
"Again, I repeat HARSH"
"I know that everything you do it reminds you of something or someone and it's hurting you from the inside"- Mason said and I felt his words for the first time but I didn't reply.
"Okay you know what I think I'll need some time alone"- I said in a very serious way I don't think he ever saw me in this state before.
"Essmay im not to sure if I'll leave you alone here I was the one in a bad mood not you now" he said not surprised at all,
"Mason honestly I'm fine I just need like 30 minutes silence and I wanna hear only the sound of the waves coz it's 100% better than hearing your annoying voice."- I said in the most kindest way possible. He hugged me tight and left with a "I'll call you later and you better be at home".

After we finished our sweets and all our gossiping it was time to walk back home. Kiara and Lai would walk half way through with me and then I would take the left exit to get home. We said our goodbyes.
"Essmay if you get kidnapped please do us a favour and take us with you"
"Don't worry I got you they would do world a big favour to be honest if you two where kidnapped" I said
"Essmay stop it now coz I have to walk like five minutes alone by myself to get home"- Kiara said
"Girl be careful still"- me and Lai couldn't stop laughing
"Night bitchhhhh" I said and walked away.
On my way home it was around 6pm I took my phone of my pocket trying to find my earphones when I hear someone calling my name from behind . I didn't recognise that voice before. I turned around and ohh shit, like really youu?,
"Heyyy"
"Hey"
"You walk so fast I had to run to catch you"- he said and smiled
"No need actually"- I said while I was trying to pick a song from my playlist.
"Soo, how are you?"
"Sorry not trying to be rude or anything but do I know you"- I was dead serious
"Ohh I see"- he looked into my eyes
"See what exactly?"- I was surprise by his responses actually
"You not one of them easy going girls"- he said and smirked.
"And what is this supposed to mean"- my face reaction would've spoken for me by now.
"My name is Jay"
"I'm Essmay as you know by now, nice to meet you but I would prefer to call you the new boy"- he didn't answer my question tho.
"Whatever you like, why you going home so late we finished school a long time ago"
"Well I've got to go actually my house is right here"- I ignored his question the same way as he did with mine.
"Goodnight then?"- he said as in questioning should I say it or should I not.
"Yes Goodnight"- I said straightforward
I'll see you tomorrow"- he said and waited until I opened the door and got inside the house.~

I checked my phone and the time did pass so damn quick I guess it was time to go home now. On my way back Home I started it with some good music, high volume, fresh air and a run. This is all I needed right now.