Oh My! | Seventeen Added Member

Surface Pressure (2015, predebut)

A/N: I've been feeling angsty lately? Not sure why. Also I'm sorry that the first two chapters that are like plot-important are both really heavy, but it's because she had it very rough for a while at the start of their career and predebut.

TW: body image issues, extreme dieting, v*miting, anxiety, mentions of disassociation. I think that's all? Tell me if I missed anything plz

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Pressure.

It was the one thing Love had always felt all her life. Even before becoming an idol, she was familiar with its heaviness. The weight of her family's name on her shoulders; the expectancy to do well first, look good second, and be human last.

So even after learning she was going to be the only girl in the group, she knew she could handle it. When asked if she wanted to change her name or use her birth name, she'd answered immediately against Dasom.

"Why?" Hoshi had innocently asked. "It's unique." She grimaced, shaking her head and brushing off the question. No, she would be Love. Just far enough away from her real name, just close enough to what she wished it meant.

Being the only girl, she knew that her visual was extremely important. It was why she'd been placed in the performance team instead of the vocal team, when her and Woozi were still figuring out their positions. Being a main dancer gave her the chance to show off her "feminine charm" and remind everyone why she was their "hidden treasure."

Burdensome? Yes. But again, she was used to the pressure.

The others noticed her difference in attitude as they got closer and closer to debut. She was more focused and driven, but also less bright. It was if she'd sacrificed her personality for the ability to produce, and produce, and continue producing until she would pass out.

And while yes, everyone was feeling the panic and anxiety of their debut date coming up, no one was quite handling it the way she was. She spent every waking moment practicing, and her sleep was cut to 3-4 hours a day. And she kept going.

S. Coups approached her about it one day. "I know you're practicing to make sure everything is perfect," he assured. "But it's becoming a bit much, don't you think?" She shrugged it off, mumbling about a move she needed to clean before leaving the conversation.

He didn't want to put her on the spot, so he let it be. The last thing he wanted was to push her further away when she'd already put up a wall between her and the rest of the world.

What he didn't realize—and how could he, when she'd never told anyone? Was that she needed the pressure to keep going. She needed to feel the weight, the anxiety, the overwhelming fear to push herself harder and harder. She had to be perfect, she had to be...enough.

She was entering the bedroom to change her clothes one morning when she accidentally walked in on a call between Seungkwan and his parents. "Sorry," she whispered, closing the door and waiting restlessly in the living room for the bedroom to be free again.

"It's open," Seungkwan finally called. "Sorry, my parents were just checking in and they can tend to drone on for a bit. I'm sure you know how it is." She laughed stiffly, the smile not reaching her eyes.

Mindlessly, she threw on comfortable clothes, pausing to stare at her stomach with slight satisfaction from her weight loss. Not good enough, not yet. But getting there.

Another week of practice. The company continued to check in on her visuals, making notes about where she still needed to improve that struck her brain like darts.

S. Coups continued to check in on her, and each time, she pushed him away. The others also noticed her behavior, trying to include her in on jokes and games during their breaks, but she only ever offered a forced smile before leaving to practice more on her own.