Are you even mine?

Journal

Author's POV:

It had been an hour since Shaina tried putting herself to sleep. Despite tossing around the bed and changing the position of her pillow several times, her eyes refused to shut. She was finding it difficult to sleep. 

"Amit came back only because he was afraid of losing me and all this time I thought he wanted to get rid of me.", a tear left her eye unknowingly. She shifted her pillow from under her head and hugged it reminiscing all the negative opinions she built about him. It was never his fault. It wasn't even Shaina's. Situation and words made everything complicated. She sniffed a couple of times trying to control her tears. "Why did I fail to understand him when I should have been the one to understand him the most?", she cried even more. 

It was past 2:00 am now. Her guilt hadn't let her sleep yet. She got up from her bed and sit by the windowsill. The road outside was empty with a few street dogs sleeping on the pavement. The moon shone illuminating all the white marks drawn on the roads, thus giving a view of black and white that perfectly resembled Shaina's state of frantic. For the first time in months, Amit's and Shaina's worlds were the same. It made her realize how pathetic it must be to look at nothing. To look outside and learn nothing. Amit did look into peace but most of the time, it was just him and no one around. Peace doesn't take time to turn into chaos when you are alone. And all that was left in his room was silence. A chaotic silence that was visible to none but suffocated him behind the glass wall.

Shaina was too lost in realization. Her mind wasn't going to be easy on her for some time now. And she needed to get rid of the guilt that she watered herself. She took a diary out of her closet and picked a pen from the study desk. She went back to the windowsill and started writing something on it. 

Amit, I am sorry.

I know you were gone because you couldn't handle what happened to you. But all this time, when you were suffering there in Shimla, I thought so wrong about you. I was filled with so much rage that at one point I decided to not even look at you when we meet next. i am a bad girlfriend Amit.

You went because you were in pain and came back only because my thoughts scared you. I am so so so sorry. I should have understood you. I don't want to lose you. Please forgive me. Please.

She scribbled the last words for a couple of times because she wanted to write more. There wasn't any mention of anyone's name but Amit. He had occupied her mind like a parasite but a good one. Adyasha's words and all the complaints she did about him in front of her friends, none of them crossed her mind once. Only she knew him and everything that her friends told her were opinions they made on him because of her complaints. A little absence and she was ready to abandon him like there was never nothing. She did fail as a girlfriend.

She felt a little relaxed after writing him the apology letter though it might never reach him. But at least, it helped her sleep for some hours. 

Amit was going to leave for his college today and Shaina was supposed to see him off. 

She was getting ready to meet him. She put on a little bit of blush and a little bit of guilt from last night alongside a jumpsuit paired with a denim jacket. 

"Come over to my place.", his text popped on her notification bar. "Coming my boy.", she whispered under her breath and left for his place.

His room was locked from the inside. "Amit? Are you inside? ", she knocked on the door twice. "Wait a minute.", his voice echoed from inside.

The door opened after some minutes only to earn a gasp from Shaina. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR ROOM?", she asked surprised. He scratched his head without saying anything. "You did not like the black walls, so I changed them.", he spoke when she began to check his room out. 

The walls were no more black, they were beige now. From his bed to his closets and even the nightstand, all of them were in lighter shades. His room had turned into a sky from an abyss. 

Certain modifications and some gadgets were in addition. "Did you like it?", he asked. "I loved it", she replied. "Oh so you love my room now and not me.", he taunted her. "C'mon...you are the one I love the most. ", she replied closing her eyes while pouting. There was no response. She slowly opened her eyes only to find him staring at her. "Not now. Don't be so desperate.", he smiled and rubbed his hand on her head. She stood behind him with folded hands. She was disappointed again. "Arghh! This unromantic senior. I hate you. ", she mumbled under her breath.

Amit started pulling out his luggage one by one. "You'll leave soon, won't you", she seemed upset. 

"Yes, but I am not leaving the city dumbo.";

"But what if we don't get to meet?";

"Don't worry baby girl, I will always find a way back to you. ", he said messing with her hair again. She chuckled in satisfaction. 

"You won't forget me in college right?", she sounded sad.

"My dear Shiny.", he said cupping her face with his hands," in case you have forgotten, I have your hair tie and a little note with me. They will constantly remind me about you..and about forgetting you..hmm..", he did a little thinking action, "I won't ever stop loving you". He finally kissed her forehead pulling her into his embrace. But his gaze were on her lips. Such a gentleman he is!

"Okay now you go back. I will leave too. ", he said.

"Can I not go to your college with you?", she asked fidgeting her fingers. He moved his head side by side, "Nope, if you are not a student you can't enter. I am sorry. ".

"Okay please go now.", he gave her a playful push but then pulled her back into a hug. They stayed in that position for some minutes swaying left and right. 

"I will miss you.";

"I will miss you too.".