Union Babysitters

lost and found and lost again

"I didn't know I was lost until I found you."

"Then I'm glad, 'cause I'm holding you now."
  
.

"I'm lost again, tell me where to find you."

"..."
  
 

 

——————

 

 

When the batch of little ones left, Gray basked in the feeling of being around innocent beings not yet tainted by the world.

It seemed toddlers and infants were the only ones capable of bringing him back to some semblance of life.

He didn't find that surprising. Infants and toddlers were clean slates, ignorant of the clouded opinions of the world and still free from the negative influence adults couldn't wait to impart to them. Still young to even want to emulate the adults around them and their only care in care was the next toy or the fellow toddlers they could play with.

They were such balms that soothed his exhaustion, the little bit of bandages that patched up his bleeding wounds, and the little bit of medicine that slowly (painfully slowly) eased the pain in his heart.

Seeing and conversing with them, the world didn't seem that bad anymore.

However, that wonderful feeling might've lingered but every time, they dissipated soon after.

Just like Stephen's absence.

Fleeting, lingering memories of days still lovely and the sense of loss soon after was just as immediate.

Like a reminder for him that he might've had the privilege to have them, but not once did he deserve to hold on to them.

It was despairing, that constant reminder every time he was faced with children but he still stayed near them, willingly trading conversations with them. Couldn't help but chase after the feeling they gave him just for the chance to reminisce the past with bittersweet lenses instead of the all-consuming pain he would've normally felt.

It was soul-crushing, the constant bittersweet happiness before he plunged straight back to helpless grief.

But he still did it, a self-imposed punishment he decided for himself.

He deserved something more painful than this, but he could never quite do it. Just imagining Stephen's disappointment if he ever did something more drastic to himself always stopped him in time.

'How come you're still saving me even though you're not here anymore?'

Unbidden, tears started falling from his eyes but he paid them no mind.

His mind started supplying him with the memories he had of Stephen and, even though it hurt, he still welcomed the stab of pain his heart was under, still embraced the overwhelming loneliness his soul was under, still held onto the exhaustion his body was under.

The alarm on his phone started ringing and he put a stop to it like he did every other day since Stephen's absence.

It was Stephen who put that alarm on his phone and had set it to ring every day. It was meant to remind him to eat lunch because he was often absorbed in his studies and books to even remember eating. Stephen hadn't liked that he was skipping lunch and had made him promise to heed the alarm and eat, even just a little.