A Thousand Times Enough

* Chapter 33 *

XXXIII. • °

Starting this week, we were a week away from being officially on spring break. Everything was feeling so surreal, it was like the school year had just started and now we were one step closer to prom and the end of the year which was our graduation and my birthday. I was very much dreading my birthday of course.

It was a feeling that left me feeling excited and empty at the same time, I wondered if by the time I graduated would I have spoken to my dad. If he would be there to see me complete such a milestone. I still didn't know if I was going to college or if I would be granted scholarships or a full ride.

If I don't get any then I can't go, with what money will I be able to pay back the loans? I had no savings account everything my mom left us was gone and that was spent on bills and food over the years, and my dad had a good-paying job but he never really saved. I had nothing and now I had no job.

Today was the day I would start working at the bookstore for Silas, I told him not to pay me even though I did need the money. I doubt he would listen to me, I just didn't want him to do it. It's been two days since we kissed, and ever since I left his house he was trying to continue having a conversation but it was a struggle for me too.

I wouldn't say I regretted it, or maybe I did. I would blame it on the alcohol but I knew what I was doing entirely. What I felt at that moment was something I never felt before, it felt so right and because of that, it scared me. I was really asking myself, what was I so afraid of, but deep down I knew.

I wasn't afraid of him, not by far, I was my most comfortable with him. Even after being in that situation with Matt, when Silas touched me and looked at me, I felt so safe. So the only thing left was, that I wasn't afraid of any of that, it was me who I was afraid of.

Could it be possible that now he did like me or maybe even...could be falling in love with me? What will I do when school ends and we all part ways? I would want him to go off and go to college, I wouldn't dare ask him to stay here with me.

It hurt me to think this way and I know that pushing him away is hurting him too and he questions himself every time I do, but it's not him, it's me.

As I walked through the school halls I was prepared to be hearing all about what happened Saturday between Silas and Matt. I had discussed it with Nadia and Tessa and told them vaguely what happened. They couldn't believe that I actually got drunk, Nadia was more so shocked and Tessa was actually mesmerized by it.

They asked me what made me decide to do it and I just told them I was curious, that I had never gotten drunk before and I just wanted to enjoy myself. That Matt wouldn't leave me alone and Silas and he got into an altercation.

I'm not sure about what everyone else is going around saying and it might be a billion other sides of the story, but I just wanted to keep it as limited as possible so that it would be done and over with.

The further down the hall I got the more I tried to ignore the feeling of eyes looking at me, I would say I was exaggerating but I wasn't. I actually felt the looks of everyone staring me down as I reached my locker. At that moment I wished that Nadia and Tessa still walked with me but from us being constantly late to our classes, our teachers suggested that we walked apart.

It was humiliating that I was in the center of what happened, I wondered what Silas felt and if he had regretted helping me at all at this point. But a part of me knew that he didn't regret it at all, but I still wondered.

As I put my books in my locker, the sharp ringing of the bell flowed through my ears. It was time for my math class, I gathered my math books and went down the hall. As I walked in Mr.Freya was standing there with the biggest smile on his face and I couldn't help but wonder why.