Strange Carcosa

CHARLIE'S DREAM: DAY 6

At first, it was dreamless. A madrasan void, the kind they talked about as Her home. Her origin. And the origin of many things to come, Hoss' voice floated through it, and I smiled. I felt the darkness smile back. I felt love.

Warm.

And then I felt eyes on me. Infinite eyes. A shudder rippled down my back, and I opened mine, blinking at the wall of watchers. Tendrils undulated around them, edges dissipating like smoke, then reforming. Endless.

"Madra?" I whispered. I looked up, and I felt more than saw a face in the dark. "I'm... I don't know if this is just a regular dream... I'm back in Rembroke... but if it isn't—"

I hesitated.

"...Thanks."

"You asked for safe passage," She whispered, voice a susurrus. Peace, calm, understanding. "Everything is a consequence of everything else. Of observation. Et Dicto."

"Et... Dicto," I blinked. "Yeah, I'm not even gonna pretend to understand that."

"Not all truths are known by the mind," She hummed, vibrating a chord in my heart. I drew in a sharp breath, held it.

"Huh? Where else can they be known, then?" I tilted my head, one eye squinting.

"In the dark. The dark of the mind, the heart, the consciousness. Shed light upon it, Esephian."

"I'm not a—" I scoffed, lost steam. Maybe it was better not to fight god. "—Esephi... I mean... I don't feel like one."

"Feelings do not change what is. Thoughts do not change what is. To think so is the seat of suffering." The Madra's many eyes quivered towards me. I saw the one on her forehead blink, fix mine. I shivered, tried to look away—couldn't. It was like my head was frozen, held fast.

"You only feel you are not. Look, and See. Witness yourself, Charlie."

I shuddered to hear the Madra say my name. Dream or not. It felt wrong in a deity's mouth. I was undeserving of it. Glanced away in shame.

"Why do you look away at being Witnessed?" The Great Mother soothed.

Tears welled in my eyes. I scuffed the void with my shiny shoe.

"Because I don't wanna be Seen," I sobbed. "Safer not to. Safer to hide..."

The Madra watched me cry, face impassive. And yet I felt concern radiating from her, a feeling of protection, warmth, guidance.

"The threat has passed. And—is it safer to hide? You hid, you hid your wound, like a dying animal, and you crawled away to die. But you did not have to die in the first place, Charlie. And you certainly did not have to crawl away."

I twitched, wept.

"I—" I choked. "I mean, what else was I supposed to do—I didn't want to burden anyone—freak 'em—I'd already been loony enough—put enough pressure on people, made 'em crack—pushed everyone—"

Tears blurred Her. The Madra's tendrils undulated, eyes of infinite, cosmic colors all trained on me.

"So, no more. I had to crawl away. Had to... either to die, or to bring back something good." I sniffed, palming my wet cheeks. "I wanted to bring back something good."

"You did, Charlie," The Madra smiled in me. "You brought yourself back."

I gaped.

"Huh? Where'd I go in the first place? What, to Cuckoo Town? Or you mean getting out of that fiddler shithole—" my teeth clenched, chattered at the thought of Consele.

"No," the Madra's eyes radiated, kaleidoscopic. "What you think of as a Self. The Charlie that Brother Hasciel Saw. From the first."

My mouth dropped open.

"Huh?" I cocked my head. "What'd he see? I was a wreck. Am."

"He saw a hurt thing, a suffering thing," She murmured. "A beautiful thing. And he could not let it die. Not without trying."

I choked, trembled. Sniffed, palming more tears. They kept coming and coming.

"A second chance," She whispered. "For his bird."

My teeth grit—I buried myself in my hands, wept.

"I don't deserve him," I choked.

"Life is not what you feel you deserve. It only is what is." She murmured. "Deserving is a human construct. It suggests conditions. There are no conditions."

I rubbed my eye.

"Sorry. Too dumb for that, Madra Mundi," I fished up a winsome grin. It glimmered like a prize catch. "I only get half of what Hoss says, most of the time... hm... maybe I should have paid more attention..."

I chuckled. She remained immobile, but I felt radiating amusement.

"I See you, Charlie." All Her eyes swiveled on me—a full-body shudder racked me. "You will roam white sands. And you will wear white. The uncoupling is forgiven. The maledicto, reversed."

I sniffed, arching my brow. Wiped my eyes, sniffling.

"Not sure what that means but... I'll keep it in mind." I shook myself out, adjusted my hat. Took a deep, steeling breath, fishing for a cigarette. I smoked, and it joined Her disappearing tendrils, twisting like a ghostly water serpent. I shivered — then She was gone, leaving me in the dreamless dark again.

I woke up, my forehead itching. Saw Hoss asleep in a chair. And my heart welled and welled with joy, like it was filling with hot blood, and I cracked a smile — cried silently.