Fix You ! Cegan

XXIX

"I need you to hear what i'm about to say. You are not safe. No matter how many people are around or how clear the area looks no matter what anyone says no matter what you think you are not safe. It only takes one second. One second and it's over. Never let your guard down ever. I want you to promise me." 5 x 2

***

Negan had known this was coming. He'd tried to avoid it for as long as he could, shoving it back in his mind as far as it could go, but it was no use. The second his hands had touched that ring that night he should have known that was the beginning of the end for him. Worry was running through him like a current, and it had been nagging at him relentlessly all night.

It was all too familiar. The worry, the constant uncertainty. It was the lack of control that he hated the most.

He looked over at Carl sleeping next to him. Just like Lucille, he was watching Carl wither away to nothing literally in front of his eyes. Walkers and all the other monsters that lay outside he could handle easily. This- this he couldn't do. At least not again.

He did not sleep that night. He wasn't one to dream often- which he didn't complain about, because post-apocalyptic dreams were rarely pleasant (especially if Carl was any indicator). But tonight apparently would be an exception. When he did find himself slipping into sleep finally mixed images of Lucille and walkers and that damn ring and sterile rooms and needles and hospital hallways and chemo chairs and then a dying Carl ran through his brain seemingly all at once until he jolted awake again- and again- his hands always immediately seeking out Carl next to him to make sure he was still warm and had a pulse.

Each time he found him Carl unconsciously curled into him and Negan realized he'd rather die probably than be plagued with nightmares like this often, which he knew with guilt was what Carl had to deal with on a nightly basis. When he thought about the other night- that night- when Carl had woken him up after a particularly bad dream, shouting nonsensically that someone was in the room, the guilt almost made him throw up. How he had violently thrown him into another room alone to deal with it all alone, stressed him to have another seizure- he had to stop thinking about it or else he'd drive himself crazy. He had fucked up so badly with Lucille and here he was again. Eventually sleep overtook him again, but it wasn't restful.

After a tumultuous night he jolted awake for what he knew would be the last time because he was not attempting sleep again. He felt strangely hungover even though the amount of beer he'd had hadn't amounted to much. It was still dark out, meaning it was quite early- maybe 4 or 5- but he knew trying to fall back asleep was no use.

He looked over thinking he'd find Carl passed out next to him, but instead he was wide awake, laying on his side and seemingly studying him intently in the dark. Negan jumped a little.

"What the fuck you doing up starin' at me you creepy little fucker? Jesus, it can't be past 5."

"It's 4:30. And I could ask you the same thing." Carl replied sleepily.

"Yeah, well. Couldn't sleep that great."

"Oh, I know." He was interrupted by a sudden yawn that escaped him. "Kept both of us up."

"Shit, really? Sorry kid."

"'Sokay." Carl shrugged, let out another yawn, and rubbed his eye. "Payback for all the times I've ruined your sleep. Which happens....a lot." Carl moved to him, resting his head on Negans chest trying to get comfortable.

"Touche'." They laid there for quite some time, but just as Carl was about to fall back to sleep, Negan nervously shifted under him. Carl sighed dramatically and lifted his head up to glare at him.

"Sorry." Negan smiled at him trying to feign innocence. "I can go on the couch?"