Self Help

Best of you

As our summer rolled to a close, Nathan and I were confronted with a dilemma that was all too familiar to me - what would happen when I went away for school?

Nathan insisted we should stay together, but I was more than a little hesitant after how everything had spiralled into disaster with Aidan just a few short months before. Nathan's university, where he was studying music, was a full 9 hours from Ottawa. I knew that we would both be busy with our second year of study - how would we find the time, not to mention the money, to visit each other? It didn't seem possible.

I told Nathan I wasn't sure, but in my heart I felt certain I couldn't do long distance again. So much of our relationship was about being together; how happy and carefree and easy it was to be in each other's company. Would that translate when all we had was texting and Skype to communicate? As the days went by, the same tension that had begun our relationship threatened to end it.

I felt incredibly frustrated. I had finally found something I'd wanted for for so long with Nathan, and now I would lose it. After struggling through first year and being so homesick, I didn't feel strong enough to experience that loneliness again.

One of the last nights of summer, Nathan took me for a walk on his family's expansive farm land. The sun was setting in a flaming pink and orange sunset - the kind that takes your breath away. We were laughing and joking and I was trying out my camera. A few steps ahead of Nathan, I turned back to capture his silhouette against the sky, and there was something about that moment that took my breath away. It was burned in my brain. I didn't know why, but I knew then that I had to give him a chance.

So I packed my bags for school and we said our goodbyes. Nathan left before I did and somehow that made our separation a bit easier. Our first weeks were hard but passed quickly. I had just moved in to my first apartment with two roommates and we were having the time of our lives. The apartment was a disaster when we moved in and we spent late nights cleaning the house and drinking Sleeman Clear while blaring Lady Gaga. Freedom at its finest.

Returning to Ottawa was bittersweet. So much had changed since I'd headed home for the summer just months ago. My plans to spend my life in the city with Aidan were gone. I felt strange knowing that he'd still come to study in Ottawa. Suddenly it wasn't just my city anymore. I was uneasy and paranoid that I'd run in to him.

The only solution was to see him one last time, on my terms.

I texted him and asked if he wanted to come by my new apartment. He didn't make conversation, he just agreed, asked for the address, and told me when he'd get there.

I knew it was wrong, but despite my relationship with Nathan, part of me still wished Aidan would show up at my door and everything bad that had happened between us would be erased.

We'd be us again.

He was late. I hardly recognized him. My shaggy puppy love had completely changed. His curls had become and untamed mop on his head, he wore a backwards baseball cap and trendy clothes. He had a lip piercing and spacers in his ears.

Where had my Aidan gone?

I met him on my doorstep and didn't invite him in. Aidan paced on his skateboard while I sat on the curb. He didn't waste much time beginning to brag about his new life at school. He'd been drunk every night since he'd arrived last week, which was against his doctor's orders since his brain damage. He and his roommate had been hot-boxing his res room bathroom.

Aidan relished in telling me the details of his new relationship with a girl from home, Kate. I'd always been paranoid about the two of them and he'd made me feel like I was crazy. Now they were together.

"She's amazing," he said, avoiding my eyes, "the kind of girl you could never let go of."

His words stung me like a slap across the face.

"Did your brother ever give you my letter? When you were in the hospital?"

A minute flicker of confusion across his face.

"No," he laughed it off. "But what does it really matter now?"

He was right - what did it matter? What had happened just a few short months ago now seemed like years. We felt like strangers now.

His words hung in the air for a moment. Where there once had been unspoken affection and love between us, there was nothing. We shared nothing of each other in that silence.

For awhile we continued to make small talk, but we knew there was nothing left to be said. We mumbled awkward goodbyes and I watched him take off down the street.

I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, he was gone.

__________________

About three weeks into the semester, Nathan and I were already growing tired of the distance and he planned a weekend visit to see me. After weeks of waiting on my part, and 9 hours on the bus for him, we were finally together again. When I was in his arms it was as though no time had passed.

We walked the few blocks to my apartment in relative silence, stealing furtive glances at eachother like we both couldn't believe we were actually standing beside one another. I was happy.

The next day I took Nathan all around the city, beaming with pride showing off everything I'd learned in my first year. Coming from a town that didn't even have public transit, it was easy to seem impressive despite the fact that I'd only learned two bus routes. As we walked hand in hand enjoying the sun, Nathan couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

"I just can't believe I'm finally with you," he said shyly, "After wanting it for so long, it just feels so right."

We were happy, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I might have gotten in over my head. After all, Nathan had been waiting for me - I was still licking the wound of my broken heart after losing Aidan.

That night we did our readings for class side by side in my bed. I looked at Nathan, concentrating hard on his work under a furrowed brow. He was wearing his reading glasses, something few people got to see. I was confused. With Nathan it was easy, natural. An affection that had grown naturally out of such a wonderful friendship. But I still missed the connection I'd had with Aidan, holding on to the time when we'd felt so close, when I'd felt so understood. Treasured.

After a while we grew bored of our work and went on to my balcony to enjoy the cool September night air. Nathan grabbed a blanket and wrapped me in it, his arms around me while I braced myself on the edge of the balcony.

For a long time we stood in comfortable silence, looking at the stars.

I felt Nathan brush my hair away from my ear, his fingertips gently grazing my hairline. His breath was warm on the back of my neck.

He pulled me closer and whispered,

"I love you."