Trigger Warning: Mentions of Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide and Death of a Character
Luke began to wake up, his eyes still closed as he reached for Ashton.
His hand ran against the empty sheets beside him. He peaked his eyes open to see that Ashton was not there.
He stretched and sat up, staring at Ashton's spot.
"Babe?" he called out, there was no response. He looked towards the balcony and noticed the door was open.
He stepped out onto the balcony, an ice-cold breeze hitting his face. He looked out over at the beach and noticed Ashton's belongings scattered along the shoreline.
Ashton brought them this new house earlier in the year after they had gotten married. The two-story house had a balcony that over looked the beach. Ashton had always wanted a house near the water as Ashton had always felt a strong connection to the earth.
Luke liked the house because it's large space and nice acoustics. Their days were spent together at the beach or walking into town, supporting the small businesses that ran along the coastline. While their nights were spent in the living room, watching the sunsets through the large windows as they practiced their music together and then cuddled in bed as they could hear the waves splash slowly against the shore outside.
Luke began to walk back inside as he planned to meet Ashton with some food and coffee after his swim. That's when a white note placed on Ashton's dresser caught this eye. He picked it up and recognised Ashton's handwriting, he began to read;
To My Beautiful Luke,
I tried to fight my demons, I wanted to beat them for the beautiful life that you and I share.
Recently their voices are the only voice in my head, and I'm tired, so tired of fighting it. I should have told you but I did not need you get destroyed by my feelings. You have been so happy, so peace-free recently and I wanted you to stay that way, to never know the feelings that I face everyday. I need to end them Luke, I need it all to stop.
I am forever in love with you Luke, and I know that I will always be with you. I can not wait to find you in the next life, were I hope I can be happy.
Yours Always,
Ash
Luke finished reading, his heart pounding in his chest, his mind didn't know what to do, so many thoughts raced. "Ash" he softly whispered, his voice letting out a crackle.
"Ashton!" he yelled, placing the letter in his pocket of his hoodie. He hoped it was fake, that it was some awful prank and Ashton would come running to him, telling him that he would never leave.
He picked up his phone, as he tried to call Ashton, but to no surprise the phone went straight to voicemail. He raced down the stairs and looking around the large home, feeling so small and alone.
"Babe!" He yelled out, his voice echoing throughout the house. Luke then remembered Ashton was going to be outside.
He threw the backdoor open and he sprinted out the back gate and down the cobble-stairs which lead to the beach.
His feet hit the cold sand and he could see the footsteps Ashton left in the sand. He looked up to where the footprints led where he saw Ashton's belongings. He ran to them and collapsed into the cold sand, as he felt that Ashton's singlet was still carrying his scent and warmth. This gave Luke hope, maybe he was around, maybe his still out there swimming.
He saw Ashton's phone and the lock-screen of them during their four-year anniversary in Paris.
"Ashton!" he yelled; no one was around. How could no one be around? How could no one be there to stop his love from going into the water?
"Ashton, come in please!" he yelled again his voice cracking from the sob rising in the back of his throat. He quickly took his hoodie and shoes off.
He ran towards the water and kept running, he was going to find him. The cold water met his body, normally that would stop him but it didn't this time. He kept going and he started swimming, he looked above the water and onto the shoreline and he was the only one on the beach.
He swam and swam, he looked above the surface and hoped Ashton would be there smiling and he wasn't.
Luke let himself go underneath the cold water and he screamed. His screamed submerged under the surface so nobody could hear the cry of a man whose heart is breaking.
Under the water, he screamed for Ashton, he screamed for himself to wake up from this nightmare he was now living. He screamed in hoping that his husband hasn't left him and he screamed until his lungs needed air.
He swam tiredly to the shore and felt himself collapse on the sand next to their items. He picked up the phone calling 911.
Half an hour later, water police began the search for Ashton, as police walked towards him. He was still sat in his damp clothes, processing that his other half was probably dead.
He told the police everything, he showed the letter and he regrets doing so. Two hours later, his body was still not found, and police made the final call that Ashton's death was to be presumed a suicide.
They didn't try and they didn't care. The police called the families and Luke felt apart of himself die when they told him, "Our water experts believe that in the early hours of the morning, the waters experienced extreme tidal waves. If he entered the water, there is a 90% chance he never came out"
That night, Luke was sat in the living room, he did not feel Ashton's presence. He felt that this house wasn't even his without Ashton. His friends were staying over for comfort for Luke, but Luke never felt so alone, never felt so misunderstood.
After the funeral the following week, Luke went into town trying to live somewhat of a normal life without Ashton.
When he overheard that Ashton's death was becoming entertainment, just the weekly gossip amongst neighbours, he felt eyes on him as he sat outside for coffee at the local shop.
Luke was finishing his cup, when two older ladies came outside and had sat behind him.
"So you think he killed his husband?" one old blonde lady said amused as she sat taking a sip of her coffee.
"Have you seen the house they live in? Also that the body was never found? Sounds like a crime scene to me" her friend says passionately as she places her cup down.
"Mary! The boy was battling depression, he took his own life. His husband is innocent" the blonde argued back.
"But wouldn't he have known that? He probably wrote the letter himself" Mary says, stirring her tea and smiling towards Luke as she noticed his stares.
Luke felt his breathing pick up and was becoming mad that these women had the audacity to accuse him of murder, when Mary couldn't even recognise that the man she believes murdered someone was sat next to her. He couldn't believe that his husband's suicide was a becoming entertainment or a conversation starter for friends.
"You're awful" her friend says shaking her head.
"I am not! That's what people believe anyway" she says defensively, their conversations moves back onto a social gathering for the neighbours.
Luke thought he could throw up. He wanted to yell at them, he wanted to disappear, he wanted his husband back. The weight of grief was drowning him.
That night, Luke packed his bags as he booked a one way ticket to Sicily, Italy. He always loved when he travelled there, the weather, the food, the lifestyle was better. He wanted to live somewhere no one knew about him and Ashton, a place where people didn't view him as a murderer.
He stood outside, placing his bags in the taxi. He looked at the house one final time. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He could see Ashton walking towards him, Luke could feel Ashton's warmth, his touch, his embrace. Ashton smiled to him and would forever stay in Luke's mind. Luke felt himself smile and when he opened his eyes, Ashton was gone. Luke was starting to accept his new reality that Ashton's presence would only live on within his heart, his memories and his imagination.
Luke sat in the taxi, watching the empty house disappear out of sight as they drove to the airport. Leaving behind his past and starting his future.
Some days he hoped to wake up and find out that Ashton had somehow survive. But Luke would never know what his husband's final thoughts were and what he had done that morning. All he knew that he was living his life for the both of them.
